Ryu hacked through the Glitchrift Canyon's edge, the fourth Patch Shard searing his pocket like a pissed-off ember. Sand gave way to vines—thick, glitching between green and purple, some coiling like they had a mind of their own. The air turned humid, buzzing with neon flies that flickered into tiny TVs mid-flight, blaring static. The Goon Scribble was toast after the lube bath, but the shards pulsed west—into this sweaty, buggy hellhole. Lira trailed, her Waffle Iron of the Grid slung over her shoulder like a war axe, her usual "shiny" chatter swapped for a grim scowl. Gorv marched, axe held high, muttering about "no more stickiness." Pip lagged, lute stick snapped, whistling a tune that didn't make shit grow for once.
The system flickered: [Location Discovered: Glitchvine Jungle. Warning: Tangled, twisted, and full of fuckery—watch your ass.]
Snarkfang pulsed, runes gleaming. "Jungle now? You're gonna get vine-fucked, shitlord—I'd bet on it."
"Fuck you," Ryu snapped, slicing a vine that glitched into a rubber snake and slithered off. "No goons this time—maybe we'll catch a break."
"Dream on, fuckface—peace ain't your style. Stab something green and let's roll."
The jungle pulsed—vines rustling, not from wind, but something moving. No horns, no armor clanks—just a low, wet growl. Ryu froze as the canopy parted. A beast dropped—part ape, part glitch, fur flickering code, arms ending in pixelated buzzsaws. Its face split into a grin, drooling data. [Enemy: Codekong (Level 36). Weakness: Maybe a reboot? Figure it out, dipshit.]
Ryu gripped Snarkfang. "New plan, fuckwits—don't die."
Lira didn't spark her iron—she swung it, two-handed, like a goddamn barbarian. "Eat this, fuzzball!" The iron clonked the Codekong's skull, sparking—its fur glitched pink for a sec. [Damage: 60. Effect: Kong's confused as fuck.] No "shiny" bullshit—she just growled, "I'm keeping its teeth."
Snarkfang whistled. "Klepto's got balls now—about time, shitlord!"
Gorv didn't whimper—he roared, "NO MORE TRAPS!" and charged, axe swinging. It glitched—not a laser, but a sonic boom, rattling the vines. The Codekong staggered, buzzsaws missing a beat. [Damage: 70. Effect: Kong's ears are fucked.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Big boy's got guts—still dumb as a brick, but I'll allow it."
Pip, sans lute, didn't strum—he yelled, "Take this, ya hairy bastard!" and lobbed a rock. It glitched mid-air, turning into a screaming parrot that divebombed the Codekong, pecking its eyes. [Chaos Triggered: Parrot Panic. Damage: 40.] No buffs, just raw, unhinged Pip energy. Ryu blinked. "Huh. Less sucking than usual."
The Codekong roared, buzzsaws whirring. Ryu swung—Glitch Golem triggered. The ground cracked, and a rubber dick golem rose—ten feet of floppy, glitchy rage, swinging fists like dildo maces. It tackled the Codekong, humping its leg into submission. [Glitch Golem Effect: Dick Domination. Damage: 90, Humiliation +500.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "You summoned a cock monster, dipshit—I'm framing this!"
"Fuck off!" Ryu slashed—Stink Slash hit, a fart cloud so vile the Codekong's code-fur fizzled, buzzsaws coughing. [Damage: 55. Status: Kong's got jungle rot.]
The beast swiped—the golem took the hit, flopping apart into rubber chunks. [Golem Down: It tried.] Ryu dodged, but a vine snagged his leg—alive, coiling up his thigh like a pervy snake. [Status: Vine-Groped. Mobility -30.] Lira hacked it off with her iron, snarling, "Hands off my boss!" No loot grab—just fury.
Gorv leapt, axe high—no glitch, just pure muscle. He cleaved a buzzsaw arm clean off, code spurting like digital piss. [Critical Hit! +130 EXP.] The Codekong screeched, tail lashing—Pip ducked, grabbing a vine and swinging like a drunk Tarzan. He crashed into its back, parrot still screaming, and stabbed its neck with his lute stick. [Damage: 80. Effect: Kong's pissed.]
Ryu broke free, triggering Glitch Geyser. The ground erupted—a fountain of glitchy soda cans, spraying fizzy chaos. Cans pelted the Codekong, popping and fizzing its fur into static. [Glitch Geyser Effect: Soda Storm. Damage: 85, Corrosion +50.] He charged—Glitch Gatling fired, blasting rubber eyeballs that bounced and blinked, gumming the beast's maw. [Damage: 100.]
The Codekong flailed, half-blind. Lira roared, "Die, you fuzzy fuck!" and smashed the waffle iron into its other arm—buzzsaw snapped off, sparking. [Damage: 90.] Gorv bellowed, "NO MORE BUZZ!" and slammed his axe into its chest—code gushed, no red, just pixels. [Damage: 110.] Pip, still on its back, twisted the lute stick—the parrot screeched, glitching into a flaming toucan that torched its head. [Bug Overload: Toucan Torment.]
Ryu swung—Chaos Call hit, spawning a glitchy vending machine. It rolled, vending flaming snacks that exploded on impact. The Codekong staggered, bluescreening mid-roar. [Codekong.exe terminated. +400 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 10. New Skill: Glitch Gambit (Random glitch effect, high risk, high reward).]
Ryu panted, soda-soaked and vine-scratched. Lira kicked the corpse, muttering, "Teeth are mine." Gorv flexed, axe high, grinning—no whimpers. Pip slid off, toucan perched on his shoulder, cawing. The jungle parted—a glowing shard pulsed in the wreckage. [Item: Patch Shard Fragment (5/5). Note: All in, fucker—now what?]
Snarkfang snorted. "You're a sticky shitlord, Ryu—nice toucan tan."
"Fuck off," Ryu muttered, pocketing the shard. The system flickered: [Quest Complete: Patch Shards Assembled. Next: Find the Core, asshole.]
A rumble—not goons, but the jungle itself—vines snapping, trees glitching. Ryu glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits—shit's about to get weirder."
Lira smirked. "Teeth first."
How We Shook It Up Pip: No lute, no buffs—he's a wild card now, chucking rocks and swinging vines. Toucan's his new chaos buddy. Lira: Ditched the "shiny" loot obsession—she's a feral brawler, smashing shit and claiming trophies (teeth, not trinkets). Gorv: Less whining, more raging—still freaks at "red," but he's swinging with guts now. No Goons: Swapped for jungle threats—Codekong's a fresh beast, no Admin King grunts this time. Core hunt's next, new stakes. 130 Chapters: 5 shards done at Chapter 11—120 left for Core quest, side gigs (glitch cults, rival knights), and a finale where Ryu might glitch Valdris into Earth. Why It's Still Funny AF & WSA-Ready Vulgar Hilarity: Snarkfang's burns ("fuckface," "shitlord"), dick golem humping—it's crude and gut-busting. Fresh Chaos: Soda geysers, toucan torch, no goon rinse-repeat—keeps it unpredictable. Crew Revamp: Lira's savage, Gorv's bold, Pip's unhinged—new vibes, same comedy gold. WSA Juice: 234k words by August (1,800 daily from March 22, 2025), wild stakes, anime bait (dick golem vs. Codekong? Yes please).