Ryu limped through Earth's glitch-fucked streets, HP ticking to 10 from a shaky rest, the Core Key still warm in his grip. The five Patch Shards hummed in his pocket, smug as hell after crashing Valdris. Cars sat abandoned, tangled in rift-vines, flaming dildos smoldering in gutters. The skyline flickered—towers glitched between steel and neon sludge, rifts pulsing like open sores. Lira strode beside him, Waffle Iron of the Grid crusted with Titan goo, her smirk sharp as a blade. Gorv marched, axe gleaming, growling at every shadow. Pip skipped, toucan cawing flames, leafblower vac buzzing like it wanted blood.
The system flickered: [Quest Update: Earth's Infested. Objective: Clean this shit or rule it—your call, asshole.] A chant echoed—human voices, warped with static—coming from a rift-cracked plaza ahead.
Snarkfang pulsed, runes flaring. "Cultists? You're gonna get worshipped or whacked, shitlord—I'm betting on whacked."
"Fuck you," Ryu snapped, slicing a rift-vine that glitched into a rubber hand flipping him off. "No bowing—just breaking."
"Keep dreaming, fuckface—crazies love a glitch king. Stab 'em and let's roll."
The plaza opened—rubble-strewn, a rift pulsing in the center like a neon zit. Humans knelt around it—robes patched with code, faces glitching between flesh and pixels, chanting "GRID IS GOD." A figure loomed atop a car—tall, robed, wielding a staff topped with a blinking modem. [Enemy: Glitch Priest (Level 70). Note: Preachy fuck—shut him up.]
"Behold!" he boomed, voice like a dial-up scream. "The Glitch Knight crashes worlds—join the Grid or burn!"
Ryu gripped Snarkfang. "Fuck your Grid—my crew'll turn you into glitch soup."
The Priest's modem blinked "HERETIC"—cultists rose, pulling glitch-knives.
Lira roared, "Scrap these freaks!" and charged—iron smashed a cultist's face, code splattering. [Damage: 120. Effect: Cultist's down.] She swung again, snarling, "Next!"—no toast talk, just fury.
Snarkfang whistled. "Klepto's a fucking blender—keep her, shitlord!"
Gorv bellowed, "NO MORE CHANTS!" and leapt, axe crashing—glitched into a gravity pulse, slamming three cultists into the rift. They screamed, dissolving. [Damage: 140. Effect: Cult's thinned.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Big boy's a goddamn vacuum—still dumb as dirt, but I'll clap."
Pip cackled, "Suck this, robe-rats!" and lobbed his leafblower—it glitched mid-air, turning into a flaming fog machine that blasted the plaza, code-fog choking cultists. [Chaos Triggered: Fog of Fuckery. Damage: 100, Visibility -70.] The toucan dove, torching a knife-wielder—robes flared, pixel ash falling. [Damage: 80.] Ryu grinned. "Pip's a goddamn smog lord—finally worth the smoke."
The Priest thrust his staff—rift pulsed, spawning a Glitch-Tech Idol, a ten-foot modem-beast with cable arms and a screen face flashing "OBEY." [Enemy: Glitch-Tech Idol (Level 75).] It lashed—Ryu dodged, triggering Glitch Gripe. Snarkfang flared—the Idol's cables glitched, twitching uselessly. [Glitch Gripe Effect: Tech Cripple. Damage: 150, Glitches -50.]
Snarkfang cackled. "You're a fucking glitch-killer, dipshit—cripple 'em!"
The Idol's screen flared—lasers blasted. Ryu dove, but one grazed his arm—static burned. [Damage: -35 HP. HP: 5/80.] Lira roared, iron smashing its leg—metal buckled, cables snapped. [Damage: 130.] Gorv charged, axe cleaving its chest—gravity pinned it, screen cracking. [Damage: 150.] Pip's fog machine rammed its face, toucan torching the crack—flames glitched into RGB streaks, frying circuits. [Damage: 140.]
The Priest screeched, "Grid smite you!"—staff pulsed, rift-vines whipping. Ryu swung—Glitch Gush hit. A flood of glitchy goo sprayed, drowning cultists in sticky tar—vines slipped, Priest stumbled. [Glitch Gush Effect: Goo Gank. Damage: 160, Mobility -90.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "You're a fucking tar king, fuckface—stick 'em!"
The Idol flailed—cables lashed, hitting Lira—she growled, shoulder bleeding static. [Damage to Lira: -40 HP.] She roared, iron smashing its screen—"OBEY" flickered to "OB#Y." [Damage: 140.] Gorv leapt, axe splitting its core—gravity crushed it into rubble. [Damage: 170.] Pip's fog torched the stump—cultists coughed, rift flickering. [Damage: 150.]
Ryu swung—Glitch Grind hit. Snarkfang spun, grinding the Idol's arm into glitch dust—fog thickened, cultists choking. [Glitch Grind Effect: Dust Doom. Damage: 180.] The Priest roared—staff flared, rift pulsing harder. Ryu triggered Glitch Goad—runes taunted "MODEM-MUNCHER" in his face. The Priest glitched—staff zapped his own ass, robe smoking. [Glitch Goad Effect: Self-Zap.]
The Idol pulsed—screen flared "FINAL OBEY," lasers blasting. Ryu took a hit—chest burned, static deep. [Damage: -40 HP. HP: 1/80.] Lira smashed its head—screen shattered, code gushed. [Damage: 160.] Gorv cleaved its legs—gravity flattened it. [Damage: 190.] Pip's fog torched the core—rift collapsed, Idol bluescreening. [GlitchTechIdol.exe terminated. +900 EXP.]
The Priest screamed, "GRID CURSE YOU!"—Ryu swung, Glitch Gash slicing his staff—static bled, frying his robe. He fell, bluescreened. [GlitchPriest.exe terminated. +600 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 16. New Skill: Glitch Guzzle (Drains glitch energy to heal).]
Ryu collapsed, HP at 1, goo-soaked. The plaza smoked—rift gone, cultists dust. Lira wiped her iron, snarling, "Freaks're toast." Gorv flexed, axe high, grinning. Pip high-fived his toucan, fog machine sparking victory laps. The system flickered: [Quest Update: Cult Crushed. Note: Earth's still fucked—keep going, asshole.]
Snarkfang snorted. "You're a half-dead shitlord, Ryu—nice cult tan."
"Fuck off," Ryu rasped, eyeing the skyline—more rifts pulsed, roars rising.
He glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits—Earth's a glitch-dump now, and I'm not dying in this shithole."
Lira smirked. "Next one's dust too."