Ryu slumped against a rift-tangled streetlight, HP at 1, chest a glitchy wreck of static and scars, the Core Key still searing his palm. Earth's streets smoked—warlord junk fizzed, rift-vines strangled cars, and flaming dildos glowed in the rubble. Lira stood fierce, Waffle Iron of the Grid dripping mulch, her smirk sharp as a razor. Gorv loomed, axe crusted with warlord dust, growling like a pissed-off beast. Pip hopped, toucan screeching flames, jackhammer drone buzzing like it was jonesing for a fight.
The system flickered: [Quest Update: Earth's Glitch-Hell. Objective: Smash the royals or bow—your funeral, asshole.] The air pulsed—rifts cracked wider, and a laugh echoed, high and glitch-twisted, from a skyscraper's shadow.
Snarkfang pulsed, runes blazing. "Queen time, shitlord—you're gonna get royally fucked. I'm goddamn giddy!"
"Fuck you," Ryu rasped, slicing a rift-vine that glitched into a rubber tongue and licked the pavement. "No crowns—just corpses."
"Keep dreaming, fuckface—queens love breaking toys. Stab her and scream!"
A figure emerged—tall, draped in rift-code robes, a crown of static thorns pulsing on her head. She was Valdris's bitch-queen: Glitch-Kaiju's slime scales, Glitch-Tech's cannon arms, and a rift-staff spitting pixel wasps. [Enemy: Glitch Queen (Level 95). Note: Regal pain in the ass—good fucking luck.] She smirked, "Glitch Knight? You crashed my realm—I'll crash your spine."
Ryu gripped Snarkfang, HP ticking to 5 from a ragged gasp. "Try it, crown-cunt—my crew'll turn you into glitch paste!"
Her crown flashed "PEASANT"—then she struck.
Lira roared, "Smash this bitch!" and charged—iron smashed a cannon arm, sparks flying, code splintering. [Damage: 160. Effect: Queen's arm's cracked.] No mulch talk—just a feral "Next!" as she swung at the staff.
Snarkfang whistled. "Klepto's a fucking queen-killer—keep her, shitlord!"
Gorv bellowed, "NO MORE THRONES!" and leapt, axe crashing—glitched into a gravity pulse, slamming the Queen into a bus. Metal crumpled, glass shattered. [Damage: 180. Effect: Queen's grounded.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Big boy's a goddamn throne-breaker—still thick as shit, but I'll cheer!"
Pip cackled, "Suck this, robe-rag!" and lobbed his jackhammer—it glitched mid-air, turning into a flaming nailgun that blasted the Queen's chest, pinning code to her scales. [Chaos Triggered: Nail-Nightmare. Damage: 150.] The toucan dove, torching her crown—thorns fizzed, flames glitching RGB. [Damage: 110.] Ryu grinned. "Pip's a fucking carpenter—finally nailing the right shit!"
The Queen hissed—staff pulsed, wasps swarming. Ryu dove, triggering Glitch Glower. Snarkfang flared—a blinding glitch-light erupted, frying wasp optics—swarm crashed, Queen's eyes glitched shut. [Glitch Glower Effect: Blind Blast. Damage: 170, Sight -90.]
Snarkfang cackled. "You're a fucking lighthouse, dipshit—blind 'em!"
Her cannon fired blind—glitch-bolt hit a car, exploding it into pixel shrapnel. Lira took shards to the arm, snarling—static bled. [Damage to Lira: -55 HP.] She roared, iron smashing her helm—crown cracked, code gushed. [Damage: 170.] Gorv charged, axe cleaving her arm—gravity pinned it, cannon stalling. [Damage: 190.] Pip's nailgun rammed her gut—toucan torched the gash, scales sizzling. [Damage: 180.]
Ryu swung—Glitch Gank hit. Snarkfang stole her wasp-summon glitch—Ryu's strikes spawned mini-wasps that stung her instead. [Glitch Gank Effect: Bug Theft. Damage: 200, Buff +Wasps.] He slashed—Glitch Gush followed. A flood of glitchy goo sprayed, coating her legs—she slipped, crashing into rift-vines. [Glitch Gush Effect: Slime Slip. Damage: 190, Mobility -90.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "You're a fucking bug-lord, fuckface—drown her!"
The Queen pulsed—rift flared, spawning glitch-guards, robed rift-rats with static spears. Lira smashed two—iron sparking, code spraying. [Damage: 160.] Gorv's axe pulsed, crushing three into pixel paste. [Damage: 170.] Pip's nailgun pinned a cluster—toucan torched the scraps, flames glitching wide. [Damage: 190.]
Ryu grit his teeth, HP at 5. "Fuck you, queenie!" He swung—Glitch Gripe flared, crippling her glitches—cannon stalled, guards twitched. [Glitch Gripe Effect: Glitch Halt. Damage: 210, Glitches -80.] She flailed—staff hit herself, crown denting. [Self-Damage: 70.]
The Queen roared—rift pulsed, vines whipping. Ryu took a hit—vine lashed his chest, static searing. [Damage: -40 HP. HP: 1/80.] He roared, "Not yet!"—Glitch Grind hit. Snarkfang spun, grinding her arm into glitch dust—fog thickened, guards choking. [Glitch Grind Effect: Dust Death. Damage: 220.]
Lira leapt, iron smashing her core—scales split, code bled. [Damage: 200.] Gorv cleaved her head—gravity crushed the crown flat, sparks flying. [Damage: 230.] Pip's nailgun rammed the rift, toucan torching it shut—flames glitched, frying her last arm. [Damage: 210.]
Ryu staggered, "Die, fucker!"—Glitch Goad 2.0 taunted "CROWN-CRAPPER" across the plaza. The Queen glitched—staff zapped her own chest—guards turned, stabbing each other. [Glitch Goad 2.0 Effect: Mass Meltdown.] He swung—Glitch Gash sliced deep—static erupted, guards dissolving. She bluescreened, collapsing into fizzing junk—screen flashed "Q#EEN DOWN." [GlitchQueen.exe terminated. +1600 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 20. New Skill: Glitch Goad 3.0 (Taunts cause glitch explosions).]
Ryu fell, HP at 1, goo-soaked and grinning. The rift fizzled—Earth trembled, more rifts pulsing. Lira wiped her iron, snarling, "Queen's mulch." Gorv flexed, axe high, roaring. Pip high-fived his toucan, nailgun sparking victory laps. The system flickered: [Quest Update: Queen Crushed. Note: Earth's still glitch-fucked—keep swinging, asshole.]
Snarkfang snorted. "You're a half-dead shitlord, Ryu—nice queen tan."
"Fuck off," Ryu rasped, eyeing the chaos—sirens wailed, rifts roared.
He glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits—Earth's a glitch-dump now, and I'm not croaking in this shithole."
Lira smirked. "Next one's mulch too."