Naofumi walked in silence, his shield gleaming under the early morning sun.
Next to him? Thorfinn.
Hopping.
Literally hopping.
"Bro, why are you bouncing?" Naofumi asked flatly.
"Vampires don't get leg cramps! Gotta put these immortal thighs to work!" Thorfinn chirped. "Also, this is my default idle animation now. I'm like a cursed Skyrim NPC."
Naofumi groaned. "You know this isn't a game, right?"
Thorfinn stopped mid-hop. He turned dramatically toward the "camera"—which didn't exist—and pointed.
"That's what they want you to think."
Naofumi stared at him. "Who?"
Thorfinn whispered, "The devs…"
[Side Quest: Kill 3 Orange Slimes](aka: the mandatory low-level grinding chapter)
In a grassy field just outside town, Thorfinn squinted at a jiggling orange blob.
"Alright. First enemy. Let's do this."He raised his axe. "Time to channel my inner Guts—BERSERKER MODE ACTIVA—"
Splorch.
The slime popped. A gentle poof. Nothing dramatic.
"…Bruh."
Naofumi smirked. "Didn't even need a shield bash for that one."
"But where was the EXP shower? Where was the combo counter? WHERE'S THE KA-BOOM?"Thorfinn dropped to his knees. "I wanted a JoJo-level fight, but I got Teletubbies."
Just then, three more slimes wobbled over.
Thorfinn perked up. "Okay okay okay, redemption arc incoming!"
He charged in, spinning his axe like he was auditioning for Demon Slayer. He swung—
Miss.
"Wait, what?!" He faceplanted. "I forgot to calibrate my vampire reflexes!"
The slime bounced on him. Once. Twice.
-2 HP-2 HP
"NAOFUMIIII! I'M BEING BULLIED BY JELLY!"
Naofumi sighed, walked over, and tapped the slime with his shield. Poof.
Thorfinn laid on the ground, twitching. "Note to self: add 'learn how to fight' to to-do list. Also… avoid gelatin-based lifeforms."
Later, at the Inn…
"Okay," Naofumi said, "we need to get stronger. Get gear. Buy healing items. Actually train."
Thorfinn sat on the floor with a blanket over his head like a cloak. "Do I sparkle in the sun or burn? We gotta find this out. For science."
Naofumi glared.
"…We have no money."
"I have memes," Thorfinn offered.
"That's not currency."
"Says the guy who's got the worst public reputation and a shield. I've got vampire drip and charisma stat maxed out. We can hustle, bro!"
Naofumi rubbed his temples. "You're a walking fever dream."
Just then, the innkeeper walked in. "Hey, your... uh, friend paid your room fee with something called a 'Hellsing limited edition figure.' I sold it for a month's rent."
Thorfinn stood up. "YOU WHAT?!"
He dramatically flung himself out the window (first floor, calm down). "ALUCARD WOULD NEVER FORGIVE YOUUUU—!"
Meanwhile, in the Market…
Naofumi dragged Thorfinn through the stalls. "Stop being dramatic. We need healing herbs."
"But I'm undead! I heal with BLOOD! Just toss me a bandit or a morally questionable NPC."
Naofumi gave him a deadpan look. "No."
"…You're no fun."
Suddenly, a merchant shouted, "Hey! Interested in monster eggs?"
Thorfinn gasped. "Bro. Monster pet arc? Yes. We're doing this."
Naofumi blinked. "You don't even know what it hatches into."
"I don't care if it's a chicken or a Chocobo. We're naming it Blade Beak."
Naofumi bought the egg anyway.
Because deep down… he really didn't want to see what would happen if he said no again.
That Night…
As they sat around a small campfire, Thorfinn stared at the stars.
"You ever wonder," he asked, "if this whole world is just another anime and we're the comedy relief arc that becomes canon by accident?"
Naofumi said nothing.
"...I'm serious. What if I was sent here not to save the world... but to make it weirder?"
Naofumi rolled over in his bedroll. "Go to sleep, Axe Dracula."
Thorfinn grinned, fangs glinting in the moonlight.
"Sleep is for mortals, my guy. I'm gonna practice my anime poses and see if I can get my cape to billow on command."
"Also... if I turn into a bat by morning, you owe me a sandwich."