Ryu trudged out of the Glitchmire Swamp, slime crusting his boots like he'd waded through a giant's asshole. The Goon Map crinkled in his hand, stained with kraken guts but pointing to a jagged peak ahead—smoke billowing, lava glitching in and out like a shitty render. The third Patch Shard pulsed in his pocket, syncing with the second, hot enough to make his nuts sweat. Lira skipped beside him, polishing her Waffle Iron of the Grid with a rag she'd nicked from a dead goon. Gorv whimpered, axe dragging, and Pip twanged his busted lute, each note a war crime against eardrums.
"Volcano next, fuckwits," Ryu said, squinting at the map. The system flickered: [Location Discovered: Glitchspike Volcano. Warning: Hot shit ahead—don't melt, dumbass.]
Snarkfang pulsed, runes glowing like a smug bastard. "A lava pit? Perfect for your dumb ass to fall into, shitlord. I'd cheer."
"Fuck you," Ryu snapped, kicking a rock that glitched into a flaming yo-yo and rolled off. "You're loving this too much."
"Damn right, fuckface—I live for your pain. Stab something hot and let's roll."
The ground rumbled as they neared the base. Ash rained, pixelated and sharp, stinging Ryu's face. The volcano loomed—craggy, glowing, with rivers of lava that flickered between red and neon green. A roar echoed—not goons, not gators, but something big and crispy. The system dinged: [Threat Detected: Pyroclast Shithead (Level 24). Hint: It's toasty—good fucking luck.]
A beast erupted from the lava—half-dragon, half-molten rock, wings dripping magma, eyes like overcooked LEDs. Its tail whipped, tipped with a goddamn flamethrower. [Enemy: Magmion (Level 24). Weakness: Maybe a cold beer? Figure it out.]
Ryu gripped Snarkfang. "Alright, dipshits—don't fuck this up worse than usual."
Lira sparked the waffle iron. "I'll bake it crispy!" She lobbed a waffle—it hit the Magmion's snout, sizzling into ash mid-air. The beast snorted, blasting a fireball that torched Lira's sleeve. [Damage: 10 to pride. Effect: Waffle's toast.]
Snarkfang cackled. "Great plan, klepto—feed the lava dragon snacks while it roasts us. Fucking Einstein over here."
Gorv whimpered, "No red, no red…" He swung his axe—glitched, firing a laser that melted a boulder instead of the Magmion. Lava splashed, singeing Gorv's fur cape. He screamed, "FIRE IS RED!" and collapsed, hugging his axe like a lifeline. [Party Debuff: Gorv's a crispy bitch.]
Snarkfang snorted. "He's dumber than a bag of hammers, Ryu—cut him loose."
"Shut it," Ryu growled, dodging a magma claw that cratered the ground.
Pip, king of fuck-ups, strummed his lute. "A fiery ballad, cap'n!" The polka screeched, and the Magmion grew—wings doubling, flamethrower tail spitting napalm now. [Buff Applied: Magmion -> Inferno Douche (Level 26). Pip, you absolute cockwaffle.]
"PIP, YOU SHITSTAIN!" Ryu roared, ducking a fireball that melted his boot sole. [Status: Barefoot and pissed.] "Stop buffing the goddamn enemy!"
"It's my soul, mate!" Pip grinned, dodging ash like a drunk ballerina.
Ryu swung Snarkfang—Chaos Call triggered. The air warped, and a flaming toaster army spawned—dozens of toasters hopping around, spitting burnt bread at the Inferno Douche. One hit its eye, popping like a firecracker. [Chaos Call Effect: Toaster Legion. Damage: 50, Annoyance +200.]
Snarkfang wheezed. "You're a fucking genius, dipshit—I'm crying over here!"
"Eat shit!" Ryu slashed—Stink Slash erupted, a fart cloud so rancid the Inferno Douche's LEDs flickered, wings drooping. [Damage: 40. Status: Dragon's got gas.]
The beast roared, tail flamethrower blazing. Ryu dove, but it hit Pip—his lute caught fire, and he danced, screaming, "MY BABY!" [Party Debuff: Pip's flamenco-ing.] Lira chucked the Squeaky Bitch—it squeaked, glitching into a rubber phoenix that flapped at the Inferno Douche, pecking its snout. [Bug Triggered: Phoenix Fiasco.] The dragon swatted it, sending it—and Ryu—crashing into a lava rock. [Damage: -20 HP. HP: 60/80.]
Gorv stirred, saw the flaming tail, and bellowed, "RED HELL!" He hurled his axe—it glitched, splitting into laser shards that peppered the dragon's wings, tearing holes. [Critical Glitch! +100 EXP.] The Inferno Douche screeched, diving into the lava—then burst out, bigger, angrier, with a second head. [Bug Overload: Double Douche Mode.]
Snarkfang snorted. "Nice going, veggie-boy—now it's twins!"
Ryu grit his teeth. "Fuck this noise." He triggered Bug Bomb—an orb shot out, landing in the lava. It exploded—into a snow cone machine, spraying icy slush. The lava hissed, hardening around the dragon's legs. [Bug Bomb Effect: Slush Surprise. Damage: 60, Mobility -50.] He charged, slashing—the blade glitched, rocketing him into a headbutt that cracked the first skull. [Damage: 80.]
The second head spat napalm. Ryu rolled, but it singed Lira, who shrieked, "MY IRON!" She slammed the waffle iron on the dragon's trapped foot—sparks flew, frying scales. [Damage: 50.] Pip, lute ablaze, threw it—the flaming wreckage hit the second head, glitching into a disco ball that pulsed rave lights. [Bug Escalation: Dragon's Tripping Balls.]
Ryu swung again—Crash Bash hit. Static ripped out—the Inferno Douche froze, both heads bluescreening: [DoubleDouche.exe crashed.] It collapsed, melting into slag and code. [Victory! +250 EXP. Level Up: Glitch Knight Rank 7. New Skill: Glitch Gatling (Rapid-fire glitch bullshit).]
Ryu panted, ash-streaked and barefoot. Lira hugged her singed iron, Gorv sobbed over his cape, and Pip mourned his lute, now a charred stick. The toaster army hopped off, one saluting with a burnt slice. Ryu looted the slag—a glowing shard pulsed inside. [Item: Patch Shard Fragment (3/5). Note: Halfway, fucker.]
Snarkfang snorted. "You're a walking barbecue, shitlord. Nice volcano tan."
"Fuck off," Ryu muttered, kicking a toaster.
The ground shook—goon horns blared, closer now. Ryu glared at his crew. "Move, fuckwits—next shard's not gonna find itself."
Lira grinned. "Worth the burns."