Just as Haruto's brain was entering full shutdown mode, a shrill voice cracked through the marketplace like a thunderclap.
"YOU ABSURDLY BRAIN-DEAD MONKEY!!"
Haruto barely had time to blink before—
THWACK.
A well-worn, high-velocity shoe slammed into the side of his head with the grace and power of a divine smite.
"AAUGH—WHO KEEPS THROWING THINGS AT ME IN THIS WORLD?!"
He stumbled sideways, clutching his face, as the entire village looked up toward a giant tree in the center plaza.
High up in its branches sat a massive wooden house, built into the trunk like a luxury jungle base.
And leaning out the window was...
A tiny, furious girl with golden twin-tails, wearing an elaborate shrine maiden costume far too fancy for someone actively committing shoe violence.
She pointed one tiny, trembling finger at Haruto.
"YOU! IDIOT HUMAN! MYSTERIOUS PANTSLESS STRANGER! GET UP HERE, RIGHT NOW!"
Haruto blinked.
"…Did she just call me pantsless?!"
"I think she meant clueless," Kohana whispered, face still pink.
"You two!" the girl shrieked again. "Get your suspicious, impulsively-engaged behinds into my house before you turn this village into a bad soap opera!"
Everyone went silent. The birds stopped flying. Even the magic pickles stood still.
Haruto looked around helplessly.
"…Can someone explain why an angry child is summoning me like a school principal?"
Kohana sighed. "That's the village elder."
"THAT CHILD?!"
"She's over 900 years old."
"WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD EITHER A SUPERNATURALLY BUFF GRANDMA OR A CURSED LEGAL LOLI?!"
The entrance to the elder's treehouse was far more elegant than Haruto expected. Smooth wooden stairs spiraled around a massive trunk, wrapped in vines that glowed softly with blue runes. The doors were carved with ancient beastfolk symbols, lit by hanging lanterns made from hollowed fruit.
Haruto wiped his face, still recovering from the aerial shoe assault.
"Okay, okay… maybe she's just a little eccentric. Maybe this is like... cultural hospitality. Maybe I just need to walk in calmly and—"
THWACK.
"GAH—AGAIN?!"
Another shoe flew with sniper-like precision, striking Haruto directly in the forehead as he stepped into the grand hall.
Kohana winced. "Oof. That one had spin."
The shoe bounced off Haruto's head and landed in the center of the enormous open chamber—lined with wooden beams, tribal tapestries, glowing roots, and a long, curved table where the village's most powerful elders sat in robes and feathers.
Everyone stared in stunned silence.
Then the angry loli voice echoed through the hall like a divine curse.
"WHO. BROUGHT. THIS. WEAK-ASS. MAOU. INTO MY VILLAGE?!"
Haruto froze mid-step, blinking like a deer in magical headlights.
"…Wait—what did she just call me?"
The robed elders all gasped.
"Did she say Maou?!""This boy?!""But he looks like he can barely lift a turnip!"
Kohana looked equally stunned. "H-Hold on, Maou?! You never told me you were—!"
"I'M NOT!!" Haruto shouted. "I mean, I am! But not by choice!! I didn't apply for the role, okay?! I got isekai'd without my consent and now the world thinks I'm the Discount Demon King!"
Another voice:"He doesn't even have horns!"
Haruto threw up his arms. "I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GET THEM!"
The golden-haired loli elder descended the steps of her platform, each one accompanied by the sound of pure judgment.
She pointed at him again.
"You! You have no presence, no aura, no intimidation! You're barely even cursed! You're a walking disappointment in sweatpants!"
"I'M WEARING A HOODIE!!" Haruto screamed.
They locked eyes.
She scowled. He scowled harder.
Haruto: "Who even ARE you, goblin-sized rage machine?!"Elder: "I am Lady Nerimaru, high priestess of the Moonroot Council, divine elder of the beastfolk, slayer of seventeen false prophets, and THRICE winner of 'Best Spiritual Aura' in the continental rankings!"
"YOU STILL THROW SHOES!!"
"They are blessed!"
Lady Nerimaru glared at Haruto from across the grand hall, her golden twin-tails twitching with divine fury.
"So let me get this straight," she growled, stepping closer, arms crossed. "You fell from the sky. Landed in my forest. Proposed marriage to my granddaughter."
"I DID NOT MEAN TO—"
THWAP.
A tiny sandal smacked him in the cheek with the force of righteous fury.
"DON'T INTERRUPT, YOU UPGRADED TURNIP!"
Haruto staggered.
Kohana blinked. "Wait… I'm your granddaughter?! Since when?!"
"Since five minutes ago when you almost got moon-stoned into marriage, that's when!"
Haruto, holding his face, took a breath.
"L-Lady Nerimaru, look—I'm just trying to explain! I didn't mean to fall here, I was just buying dinner—"
THUNK.
A ceremonial staff bonked off the top of his head like she was checking for ripeness.
"Silence, Foolish Eggplant of Fate! Do you take this sacred council for a bunch of senile squirrels?!"
Haruto flailed. "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND VEGETABLE INSULTS?!"
"I call them as I see them, Banana Boy!"
Kohana stepped between them, waving her arms.
"Wait, wait, wait! Hold on! Maou?! Grandma, you never told me he was the Demon Lord!"
Lady Nerimaru threw up her hands.
"Because I didn't KNOW until the Sacred Spirit told me through a vision last night—while I was bathing! It said: 'The weakest Maou in all of history has arrived. May the heavens pity you.'"
Everyone turned to look at Haruto.
Haruto pointed at himself.
"Seriously?! That's how I got announced?! In a bath-time prophecy?!"
"YES!" Nerimaru barked. "And you were described as: 'suspicious hoodie creature with tragic hair and no visible stats.'"
Haruto slowly sat down on the floor.
"I'm telling you," Haruto wheezed, holding up both hands like he was being mugged by emotions, "I didn't mean to propose! I didn't even know that shiny thing was special!"
Lady Nerimaru narrowed her eyes, the pressure in the room intensifying like a magical microwave about to explode.
"Ah, yes. Of course. The legendary Dumbstone Defense."
"That's not what it's called—!"
"Shut up, walking error log!"THWACK. A ceremonial rice paddle spun through the air and slapped Haruto's forehead like divine retribution from the kitchen gods.
"WHERE DO YOU GET THESE THINGS?!" Haruto yelped, stumbling back.
"I'm over 900 years old! I have decades of throwable cookware!"
A frying pan slowly floated past her, glowing ominously.
Kohana stepped in, eyes twitching.
"Grandma, seriously, just let him explain before you cook him alive!"
"I am listening," Nerimaru snapped. "I'm just providing physical feedback."
Haruto, face now decorated with a rice paddle print, took a deep breath.
"Okay. Look. My name is Haruto Kisaragi. I'm a normal human—"
"HAHAHAHAHA!"
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME WITH MOCKERY!!"
"BUT IT WAS EARNED!!"
He tried again. "I didn't ask to be here. Some little god-thing in a hoodie yeeted me into this world—"
"Yeeted? What kind of sacred term is THAT?!"
"I got summoned by accident!! Then I had to choose between becoming a rock or a Demon Lord!"
The room went silent.
Lady Nerimaru blinked.
"…A rock?"
"Yes. A literal rock. No arms. No legs. Just wisdom."
"…You should've chosen the rock."
Kohana sighed, her fingers now glowing more intensely with yellow spelllight.
Haruto noticed. "Wait—why are you still charging magic?!"
"In case I need to stun Grandma, or maybe you, or just myself," she replied, way too calmly.
Nerimaru crossed her arms, unimpressed. "I don't care what tragic back-alley gacha dumped you here. If you want to call yourself Maou, you need to prove it."
"I never called myself—"
"BONK!"
A blessed ladle made impact with his skull.
"I'M GONNA FILE A SPIRITUAL LAWSUIT!!" Haruto cried.
Kohana finally sighed and stepped between them.
"Alright, enough! Grandma, let me test him. Just a little friendly duel. If he's got anything in that floppy mortal body, I'll find it."
Haruto's face turned pale.
"Define 'friendly.'"
"Low-impact," Kohana said."Gentle," she smiled."Non-fatal-ish," she added.
Haruto whimpered. "I'm going to die."