The Mercenaries of Mayhem had barely survived their encounter with the orc warband. The next step?
Make Bam actually useful.
Kain, their new temporary companion, had reluctantly agreed to train Bam in the proper ways of magic.
Unfortunately, this was already proving to be a mistake.
In the clearing outside their cave hideout, Kain stood with his arms crossed, staring at Bam, who was sitting on a rock, looking as relaxed as ever.
"Alright," Kain said, pacing. "First, let's evaluate what you actually know about magic."
Bam nodded. "I can cast fireball."
Kain sighed. "Obviously."
Bob, watching from the sidelines, whispered to Jim, "This might actually work."
Jim shook his head. "No chance."
Kain rubbed his temples. "Fine. How did you learn magic?"
Bam smiled. "Oh, I found a grimoire and figured it out myself."
Silence.
Kain blinked. "…You self-learned magic from an ancient, possibly cursed book?"
Bam nodded. "Yes."
Kain exhaled sharply. "Okay. That's… actually impressive."
Bob grinned. "See? He's got talent!"
Kain pointed at Bob. "That doesn't change the fact that he's completely useless right now."
Bam raised a hand. "I would like to disagree, but I have no evidence to support my claim."
Jim snorted. "At least he's honest."
Kain took a deep breath. "Alright. We'll start with the fundamentals. Magic is all about understanding the mechanics behind each spell. Once you know the why, you can control the how."
Bam nodded. "Makes sense."
Kain nodded back. "Good. Now, fire magic is fueled by—"
Bam raised a hand. "—But there are always exceptions."
Kain froze.
"…What?"
Bam shrugged. "Not everything follows rules. Exceptions exist."
Kain's eye twitched. "No. Magic follows rules. If you understand them, you can—"
"—But some fire burns hotter than others."
"That's because of—"
"And sometimes fire flickers, and sometimes it rages."
"That's a matter of—"
"And why does one fire spell create an explosion while another just fizzles out?"
"Because of the—"
"There are always exceptions."
Kain's hands curled into fists.
Bob leaned over to Marcus. "How long do you think before Kain explodes?"
Marcus adjusted his crossbow. "Three minutes."
Jim grinned. "I give him two."
Kain took a long breath, forcing himself to stay calm. "Bam, listen. Magic is about understanding the mechanisms behind a spell. Once you understand why something happens, you can—"
Bam tilted his head. "But if I understand everything, wouldn't I know the exceptions too?"
Kain gritted his teeth. "No! That's not how it works!"
Bam shrugged. "Then explain why it doesn't work that way."
Kain pointed a shaking finger at him. "I— YOU— IT—+-×÷#$*" He stopped, inhaled sharply, then turned away, muttering very aggressive curses under his breath.
Derek, sitting nearby, smirked. "Wow. Bam might actually break him."
Jim raised his drink. "I really like this guy."
Kain spun back around, taking another deep breath. "Alright. New strategy. I'm just going to teach you through force."
Bam nodded. "That seems reasonable."
Kain pointed to a nearby rock. "Set that rock on fire. Properly."
Bam raised a hand, chanted something vaguely ominous, and immediately set a tree on fire instead.
Kain closed his eyes and whispered, "Why am I doing this to myself?"
Bob patted his back. "Hey, you signed up for this."
Jim nodded.
Bam, staring at the burning tree, shrugged. "There are always exceptions."
Kain screamed into his hands.
And thus, training continued.