The Mercenaries of Mayhem and their new ice mage companion, Kain, had finally reached the orc warband's camp, hidden deep in the mountains.
Their plan was simple:
1. Sneak in.
2. Beat up some orcs.
3. Grab the Arcane Eye and leave.
Unfortunately, step one had been completely ignored because Bob tripped over a rock and alerted every single orc in the camp.
And now, they were fighting for their lives.
Bob swung his massive hammer, knocking back two orcs—only for a third to punch him so hard he went flying into a tent.
Jim dodged a swinging axe, tried to counter with a punch, and realized mid-strike that orcs were much harder than drunk tavern goons.
Derek clashed swords with an orc warrior nearly twice his size and gritted his teeth. "Okay, ow. This is not going well."
Marcus fired a crossbow bolt, which hit an orc directly in the chest… and the orc just looked at it, then ripped it out like it was an inconvenience.
Kain, flinging ice spells, turned to the others. "Are you guys even trying?!"
Bob, currently being thrown across the battlefield, shouted, "YES, BUT THEY WON'T GO DOWN!"
Jim, getting punched in the stomach, wheezed. "They're built like walking fortresses!"
Derek barely blocked a massive greataxe, his feet digging into the ground. "We need a new plan. Now."
Bob nodded. "Agreed! Strategic retreat!"
Jim coughed. "So we're running?"
Bob corrected, "No, no, strategically withdrawing."
Marcus, reloading frantically, yelled, "SAME THING!"
Bam, standing calmly in the middle of the chaos, nodded. "Majestic."
And with that, the team turned and ran.
After barely escaping with their lives, the group regrouped in a cave nearby.
Everyone was battered and bruised.
Bob rubbed his sore arm. "Welp. That could've gone better."
Jim groaned. "I think my ribs are somewhere they shouldn't be."
Marcus checked his crossbow. "I wasted so many bolts."
Derek sighed, leaning against the wall. "We were not prepared for this."
Kain, arms crossed, stared at them in absolute disbelief. "That was… the worst display of combat I have ever seen."
Bob waved a hand. "Oh, come on! It wasn't that bad."
Kain pointed. "Bob, you tripped into the battle."
Bob frowned. "Look, that rock came outta nowhere—"
Kain turned to Jim. "You punched an orc in the face and looked surprised when it didn't work."
Jim shrugged. "It usually works!"
Kain turned to Marcus. "Your crossbow barely did anything."
Marcus groaned. "Yeah, I noticed."
Kain then turned to Bam, who was sitting peacefully near the fire.
"…And you," Kain said, narrowing his eyes. "You did nothing."
The group paused.
Bob blinked. "Oh yeah… Bam didn't do anything in that fight."
Jim rubbed his chin. "That's weird. Bam loves explosions."
Bam smiled calmly. "I saw no need to intervene."
Kain stared at him. "A proper mage is equal to an army."
Bam nodded. "Yes. A proper mage."
Kain took a deep breath. "I hate that I have to say this, but… if we actually want to beat those orcs, I need to teach you how to be an actual mage."
Derek sighed. "Honestly? That's probably our fastest way to improve."
Bob nodded. "Yeah, 'cause, uh… the rest of us are kinda hitting our limits."
Jim patted his sore ribs. "Yeah. This body is not made for getting crushed by orcs."
Marcus adjusted his broken crossbow. "And, uh… I'm running out of new ways to not kill things."
Kain sighed deeply. "Fine. If I have to train Bam, I will."
Bam smiled. "I accept this."
Kain groaned. "You better."
And thus, their new plan began:
Make Bam Actually Useful.