The Mercenaries of Mayhem stood frozen at the entrance of the cavern, staring at the massive, red-scaled dragon who was—against all expectations—wearing tiny reading glasses and holding a book like an elderly scholar.
The dragon stared back.
Nobody moved.
Bob, gripping his hammer, very slowly leaned toward Derek and whispered, "So… do we, uh… panic? Or fight?"
Derek, gripping his sword, whispered back, "I don't know."
Jim, who had already reached for his flask, muttered, "What's the rule on drinking before fighting dragons?"
Bam, arms crossed, simply nodded. "Majestic."
Marcus was the first to break the silence. He pointed at the dragon. "…So, uh. Do we just pretend this isn't weird?"
The dragon sighed heavily, setting its book down with obvious frustration. "For the love of the gods… why are you here?"
More silence.
Then Bob, the bravest (and dumbest) of the group, cleared his throat. "Uh… we are here to, um… acquire… a legendary elixir of youth?"
The dragon blinked. Then it laughed—a deep, rumbly chuckle that shook the cavern.
"Oh, you mean the completely fake elixir?" it asked, amusement clear in its tone.
The group exchanged glances.
Jim groaned. "Oh, come on!"
Derek's eye twitched. "You're saying it's not real?"
The dragon rolled its eyes. "Of course it's not real. What kind of idiot believes in an 'elixir of youth'?"
Bob raised a hand. "In my defense, the noble lady hiring us sounded really confident."
Marcus rubbed his face. "We almost died climbing this mountain for nothing?"
The dragon adjusted its glasses, looking at them like a teacher dealing with a classroom of particularly dumb students. "You chose to come here. I tried to make it very clear that a fearsome, dangerous dragon lives in this cave."
Derek raised an eyebrow. "By… reading books?"
The dragon snorted. "No, obviously not. I've done plenty to scare people away!"
It began ticking off on its claws:
"I roar menacingly once a month."
"I set fire to random trees—strategically, of course."
"I spread rumors about eating whole villages—which I haven't, by the way."
"And I specifically placed pit traps to catch fools before they got inside! From the start, noone sane enough would come just by hearing those feats of mine."
The group turned to Bob.
Bob rubbed the back of his head. "Uh. Yeah. That almost worked."
Jim, shaking his head, sat on a nearby rock. "So let me get this straight… you're saying you don't hoard treasure, don't actually eat people, and you just want to be left alone?"
The dragon groaned, rubbing its face. "I just want to read in peace."
The mercenaries looked at each other.
Then back at the dragon.
Then back at each other.
Bob finally broke the silence. "Okay, but, uh… do you have treasure?"
The dragon glared.
Derek pinched the bridge of his nose. "Bob, read the room."