If Kifune had stumbled upon a story like this in a past life, he'd probably have scrolled right past it, maybe with a dramatic sigh for effect, before diving into the next internet rabbit hole. But, as they say, personal experience is a real tearjerker, isn't it? It's like comparing a dry textbook to a live-action soap opera, except this soap opera involved ninjas and a distinct lack of commercial breaks.
He knew these sister-centric tragedies were practically a daily special in Konoha. Just a tiny, heartbreaking crumb off a massive, depressing cake. And under that cake? A whole bakery's worth of wide, pleading eyes and tales as ordinary as burnt toast.
Just then, the outdoor class trooped back in, smelling faintly of dirt and youthful disillusionment. Among them, a little girl, dressed in the "budget ninja chic" style, stood out like a sore thumb at a fancy dress party. She looked like she'd just finished a marathon, and not the fun kind.
She plonked herself into her seat, eyes landing on a gift box and a card that read, "Chana, happy belated birthday, sorry." It was like someone had hit her with a feels-grenade. Tears erupted, lips trembled, and she clutched that box like it was a life raft in a sea of sadness. The classroom was a symphony of silent sobs and the rustling of well-meaning classmates trying to comfort her.
Kifune, meanwhile, was playing "emo ninja statue" outside, leaning against the wall. He patted his pockets, remembering he'd left his stress-sticks at home. "Ah, the joys of being a responsible adult," he muttered to himself, which was a blatant lie.
He knew the girl had probably seen this coming. It was less a surprise party and more a "surprise, your life is a tragedy" party. Now, she just needed to have a good cry, file her sister under "fond memories," and vow to become the most successful ninja ever, just to spite fate.
Comfort was for civilians. Ninjas? They got grit and a pat on the back, maybe. It was harsh, sure, but Konoha was basically a "tragedy bingo" kind of place. Even Kakashi, the poster boy for ninja prodigies, had watched his dad bite the dust at age five. This world was less a well-oiled machine and more a Rube Goldberg contraption built from sad stories.
"Hey, Senior Kifune?" A voice jolted him out of his morbid reverie. He looked up to see a boy with goggles that were practically his entire face. Ah, Uchiha Obito, the future "ninja world influencer" who'd cause more chaos than a toddler with a crayon.
"Obito, is this your classroom?" Kifune asked, trying to remember if he'd packed his "future world-shattering events" checklist.
"Yeah, what's up with Chana?" Obito asked, throwing an arm around Kifune's shoulder like they were old pals.
Kifune just shook his head. "Tragedy's in season," he muttered, which was probably the most ninja-like thing he'd said all day.
Students filed in, some nodding politely, others offering awkward smiles. Then, someone else piped up. "Senior Kifune!"
Kifune grabbed him. "Asuma, smoke and fire. Now."
Asuma, looking like he'd just been caught stealing cookies, stammered, "Uh, Senior Kifune, you're kidding, right? I don't even have a light!"
"Don't play coy," Kifune thought, "I know you're the 'secret forest smoker' of Konoha." He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and matches, flicked one alight, and inhaled deeply. Ah, the sweet taste of existential dread.
Asuma, meanwhile, was turning a shade of green that suggested he was about to sprout leaves. Obito was making "oohs" and "aahs" like he'd just seen a magic trick.
"Kifune?" A stern voice cut through the air. It was Fukuda Gen, their teacher.
Kifune tossed the cigarette, stomped it out, and said, "Teacher Fukuda."
Fukuda Gen eyed the cigarette butt, then glared at Asuma. "Kifune, why don't you tell them about your ninja experiences? Give these kids a taste of reality."
Kifune glanced at Chana, still sobbing quietly. "I think they've already had a sample," he said.
Fukuda Gen followed his gaze, understanding immediately. He patted Kifune's shoulder. "Smoke less," he said, before heading inside.
"Yeah," Kifune replied, already reaching for another pack. "Just another day in paradise."
to be continued...