The same routine day after day.
Wake. Share pointless conversation with the people around me. Work. Shit. Exercise. Network. Find a new partner for the night. Then repeat. And repeat.
And repeat.
And...
I had never struggled for intimacy. The job I had, the material I possessed. Everything I owned, allowed me to easily succeed where others may have trouble. It wasn't as if I was never rejected, in the past I had been. I just quickly realised the futility of even trying at that juncture in my life. Then I adapted.
This world relied upon transaction for services. Intimacy was just another service.
Even if you didn't put yourself up for sale, even if you balked at the idea of being bought. Every single human had a price for their purchase.
Ironically enough, the more money and material wealth I possessed, the less I had to actually use it for these favors. Whether it was money or something else, in the end it was all an exchange of some immaterial thing. If it wasn't money then they would ask for my affections. Or hope to become a mistress, some even asked to be my partner. If they worked under me or a subsidiary they might request greater positions in the company etc. etc. etc.
It didn't really matter at the end of the day. Because I would be reset the moment dusk turned to dawn. A new day. What a joke of a phrase, every day was the same.
It felt empty. What was I even living for?
By all rights; I was exceeding the goals I had set for myself. Money, property, connections, power, influence and women. It was all mine.
Soon enough even these acts of intimacy became dreadfully boring. Even if it was a different person it was all the same in the end. Just the meeting of flesh. Once you've felt it once, twice, ten, twenty, a hundred times. It loses the novelty that it once held.
That was when I had begun experimenting with all manner of things.
It wasn't exactly a conscious decision, I kind of fell into it. Living the kind of lifestyle that I did; all sorts of new experiences were offered to you on a daily basis. When disillusioned with the world around you what choice is there but to turn to fantasy? That was how my dependency on substances came about. Drink, narcotics, you name it I had probably already tried it. Then greedily devoured it from the source until there was nothing left.
A fateful day occurred when I had another of those intimate encounters, whilst in the middle of a drug fueled deluge. It changed me. The sensations I felt at those moments, I was no longer the same man in the same dreary world. I felt. Felt much more clearly than ever before in this world. I felt in control of myself, my life, and the woman right in front of me.
Slowly my hands grasped the soft, svelte flesh of her neck and squeezed. Our entire bodies constricted and shook with ecstasy. A hazy mist in her eyes as she looked back up at me. There was nary a sound coming from her mouth, no rebuttals, no reprimands. She simply bit her lip and allowed me to drive myself back into her once more.
That's it, that's how it should be. That's how it will always be.
It became more of the same after that. I couldn't understand why... But whenever I indulged in those substances and then in the act itself, the very moment I felt the small circumference of another woman's thin neck in my grasp. It brought me delight. More than any amount of the act itself.
In that moment even my monstrous tendencies were accepted. Anything would be accepted so long as I was the one to do it... I truly am on the top of the world aren't I?
It didn't even matter what I did...
Unconsciously my grip tightened around her neck even further, for the first time since I had ever practiced this dark perversion, genuine fear was laden on my partner's face. Her hot steamy breaths hit me directly, massaging my skin even under the brunt of my force.
Choking and heaving filled the room. Her arms flailed uselessly against my body, her legs attempting to kick me away. So weak. So, so weak.
...
What the hell am I doing?! Breaking out of my stupor and releasing the neck of this stranger, I just looked uselessly at the wall. Wondering if I was insane... Was my life over?
Fin-...
...She apologized to me. The same stranger in this random hotel bed, the very same that I gripped by the neck and choked the life out of... She looked at me in a hurried manner and bowed to me.
"I'm sorry, I won't fight back this time!"
...That's right. That's just how it is.
I sent her away with a fee. More than I would usually give to someone that provided this service...
That night was the first time I had stayed at my own house in what would've been months. I had lived in and out of hotels and my place of work for so long that my own home may as well be a stranger's. All to avoid any more contact with that which resided there.
"Dear, you're back. It's good to see your face. How was work?" There it was. Awake even at this hour. As if she had already known I would return. But I knew the truth...
I couldn't stand to look at her. Casting aside my shoes and immediately walking past to the living room. I immediately lay across the sofa, my eyes zoned in on the ceiling. She followed me even here, like some sort of loyal dog. Persistently staying beside her master at all times.
"It's quite late but would you like me to run a bath, or perhaps you haven't eaten yet?"
Stop! Just stop it. Please! It's already past midnight, what the hell are you doing here? Go away already!
I didn't please her with a response. I wouldn't. Turning on my side, I at least didn't have to bear looking at her face.
"...I see. If you're tired do make sure you get some rest. I'll go bed now, do ask if you need anything. Goodnight, dear." Good riddance.
Finally, some peace and quiet.
Seriously, that woman... who is she putting all this on for?
I return at this time at night and you're all smiles. How are you doing, dear? How's work? Want a bath? Shall I make you something?
Why are we pretending this is anything different than what it is?
This marriage is a joke.
We both know it, so why do we have to keep up this ruse? How long do I have to do it before you understand?
I'm just so... unbelievably tired.
If I could actually fall asleep on this couch I would. But I felt the need to sleep in my own bed. I mean it's my house anyway, I can go sleep wherever I please! The only annoyance was having to share that bed with her... Our marital bed.
What a joke.
When was the last time we had slept in the same covers, never mind doing anything more than that?
I can't even remember.... And now I have to sleep right beside that thing, again?
...Whatever. I just need rest.
Clambering up the stairs, my hands fumbling along the banister as I eventually made my way to the master bedroom. There she was, the light still on. Wearing a nightie as if she had already assumed I would make my way up here. Or was she just hoping for it? Always following after me, it was as if she licked the footprints I made in the dirt just for a chance to be next to me...
Revolting.
"Ah, I'll turn the light off in just a moment. I don't mean to disturb your sleep, dear." She finished jotting a few things down in her notepad, a journal of sorts, and set it aside. The same diary and the same habit she had for years now. Just like the disappointment in my life it was a constant. This world could flip upside down and she would still be writing about it in that little notebook of hers.
I didn't want to deal with her antics for another second. Silently ambling to my side of the bed, entering the soft linens and preparing for sleep to take me, just for a brief moment. A brief moment before the day begins again and this hell continues.
"Goodnight dear. Sweet dreams."
CHUU~
It was automatic.
My arm sprang out as if defending myself and immediately grasped around the neck, the small ever so tender neck, of my wife. Tighter and tighter, my hands had turned to vices and I had no idea how to revert them. I didn't know if I even wanted them to...
"HOW LONG?! HOW LONG WILL YOU ACT LIKE THIS?!"
"HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS?! JUST LET ME..."
"JUST LET ME REST, GODDAMNIT!"
It all exploded out at once, my grip strengthening through the unfiltered rage. Until I felt something warm touch my face. A hand. Her hand.
"WHAT... do you want from me... For god's sake..."
"...Dear, yo...u're cry...ing..." Even as I continued strangling the life out of her she didn't put up the slightest sign of a struggle. I was squeezing harder than in that room. When that girl had clawed at my skin, kicked the sheets off of the bed and tried to remove herself from me... Meanwhile, she wouldn't move a muscle. Her eyes were focused on me, even now they were impossibly bright. God, how I hated that...
Why are you doing this to me? Why are you still here? Everyone else has already left, why do you continue...
Her thumb smoothly brushed the tears away even as her breathing failed. I closed my eyes out of reflex more than anything...
So warm, I felt so warm...
Then the whole world turned red.