How much time has passed since I entered this pitch-black cavern?
Was it an hour? 5 hours? A day? A week? A month? A year?
Do I even exist anymore?
Had I already died and this was the afterlife, an infinite purgatory given to cowards like me? Had the starvation taken me in my sleep?
So many scenarios had passed by in my mind, the madness was sickening. I couldn't verify even a single one of them, there was no other stimuli in this cave. No sensations other than the feeling of the cave floor against my cold body or the echoing of my own voice.
I tried to sleep. Even with the quiet and dark it wasn't possible. The silence was deafening.
Despite being completely alone in this cave. I never truly felt at rest. I couldn't grasp when I was conscious and when I had fallen asleep.
Had I ever slept?
What did sleep even feel like?
...
When boredom took me, i counted and counted and counted...
Was I counting too fast? Too slow? There was no accurate sensation to compare with my own breaths. Even if I were to count every second that I was supposed to stay here, it would be an exercise in futility. That just made me feel even more hopeless, so I quickly gave up... I have no idea how long I had been trapped inside before I even started counting.
After giving up and deciding it was useless... I started counting again. Anything to drive this silence from my mind, anything to focus on, to give my brain nourishment. That cycle continued nearly endlessly. For so so long, that I was convinced my isolation should be finished at this point...
Salvation never arrived.
Not for me.
My Grandfather never arrived. The boulder was never moved. I was left here in the dark, in the cold. In this miserably bleak cave.
I already recognized the hapless hands of hopelessness grasp onto my soul.
I already felt as if I had only existed in this room.
...
In the past I had enjoyed the dark, I even enjoyed solitary moments on occasion.
But this was different...
The silence, the lack of nourishment, the complete depravation of any stimuli that could otherwise occupy my time. I was left with just my thoughts and feelings.
The absence of light, sound, even smell... It left you spiraling in an immense cycle of loneliness, one I couldn't imagine any human enjoying.
I was becoming more and more disillusioned with myself.
At one point I had thought that I would be trapped in here forever. Maybe my Grandfather really was disappointed in me, what if he just decided to leave me here, so that I wouldn't be a visible stain on our family lineage...
No, Grandfather wouldn't do that.... Would he?
...Who am I kidding? If I were in his shoes, I would do the same...
I felt as if I had spent more time in this cave than outside. Years of memories fluttered by like petals forgotten in the wind. It was as if none of them ever truly mattered in here.
Memories flashed by, one after the other. Some that were so mundane it was a wonder why they even remained in my memory. Even though they didn't matter, and they wouldn't serve me here...
All the same, I was still grateful to experience them in this moment. Anything was better than this dreadful silence that rang too loud for me to think. It must have been the connections and memories I had made, that let me retain that brief, miniature measure of sanity. If I were completely alone from the beginning...
That was a thought too bleak to utter.
...
At least when the Lotus was still in the box it was as if I had some sort of company. Some essence of life that was present in the same room, instead I ate it...
Now I was completely alone...
...
In the depths of my hunger and desperation I began to see hallucinations. Were they of the past? I thought they were, in my deliriousness it was entirely possible my brain was conjuring false memories from thin air.
It was funny...
If I were to actively try and picture the face of my Mother or Father unassisted, then nothing with such clarity appeared. Not until now. Here, in this dark cavern. I was able to create an unquestionable visage. One that I knew was their real faces. It wasn't through any quantifiable evidence, unless you counted my sudden feelings and immersion into the hallucination, as concrete.
A woman wearing a sundress and a wide-brimmed hat to block out the blinding sunlight was frolicking in a meadow. I was in the arms of a larger person, as we chased after her. Smiles and laughter rang lowly throughout the fields of blooming flora. There was no one else here, it was an undisturbed utopia. The desecration cast by the Bloody Baron's never-ending crimson shower was nowhere in sight. Luscious grass and wildflowers emerged from the dirt casting an enchanting gradient of colour along the ground.
We continued to give chase, eventually stumbling into a small hovel. A forgotten nook. It was as if the world itself had ignored this place.
Nature had a fickle way of surviving. Even in these forgotten places.
Tiny, shining rays of sunlight filtered through scraggly rock formations placing a spotlight on a desolate gathering of white flowers that were almost pedestalized.
It was beautiful. Those pure white, unfettered petals...
The same flower. The Lotus... But why?
Those strong arms that carried me to the cave slowly and gently placed me onto the floor. The man with his back towards me had hurried to the pedestal and plucked but a single flower. Offering one to my Mother.
She laughed merrily, graciously scooping the offered flower into her two outstretched hands. Her mouth moved, but I couldn't quite hear what she had said. What was it? I wanted to know more, to see more...
"But... The Lotus was hated, useless and feeble. Why would they...? Why did Grandfather never tell me? Why did I have to be in this cave to remember? Is it even a real memory, or have I gone insane?" In my amazement, I had begun to speak aloud.
Attempting to muster up more visions of the past didn't work. I didn't care whether they were real or the false imaginations of a starving, dehydrated child. I didn't care if it would all be forgotten after, I just wanted to see their faces once more. For her to tell me everything would be okay. Even if it was just a vision, I could live with that...
Reality is often disappointing.