~~~ Kaien Iburi ~~~
The debriefing room smelled like old ink, old fogies, and bureaucratic despair. Kaien, being the paragon of professionalism he was, was lying across three chairs, arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling.
"We will now commence with the mission debriefing, Kakashi, care to take the lead?"
"No, I'm good. Tenzo can do it."
The fogies were droning on about something or other in the background, but Tenzo and Yugao had everything in hand.
Bella sat on the table beside him, wobbling slightly.
𓍊𓋼 (¬‿¬) 𓋼𓍊
Kaien smirked and puffed out a small smoke ring.
༄༅༄༅ (¬‿¬) ༄༅༄༅
"The documents appear to contain significant research on natural energy collection," Tenzo reported, stiff and boring. "Preliminary assessment from the Intelligence Division suggests the Curse Marks used at this facility were a new research direction, with no clear results thus far."
𓍊𓋼 [¬º-°]¬ 𓋼𓍊
Kaien raised an eyebrow.
Zombies, eh? More like robots…
"The two captured researchers are currently being held for interrogation, Jonins Yamanaka and Morino estimate complete information extraction by the end of the week."
༄༅༄༅ d[o_0]b ༄༅༄༅
The old man was speaking now. "While the facility was successfully neutralized, the council has some concerns regarding the continued use of the… "Kinoko Kaboom" technique Jonin Iburi continues to employ."
Uh oh, Bella is getting bored.
𓍊𓋼 (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ 𓋼𓍊
Not now, girl.
༄༅༄༅ ┏━┓ ︵ /(^.^/) ༄༅༄༅
There were a few moments of silence. Everyone was probably looking at him, but he didn't hear any questions, so…
Kaien could almost hear the tick mark form on Glasses Fogey's brow. "Eh hem… Jonin Iburi, care to allay this council's concerns?"
Ah. That's my cue. Time to say something reassuring.
Kaien brought his hand to his face, suddenly feeling an uncontrollable urge to prospect for gold. "Hmm? Oh, I see. If you need bigger explosions, Bella can do that, no worries!"
𓍊𓋼 ヽ(´ー｀)ノ 𓋼𓍊
Old Bat Fogey responded, "Iburi, that is NOT the issue. If you can't keep that thing under control, then this council will have to censure its use in demolition missions!"
Le gasp!
𓍊𓋼 ヽ༼ ಠ益ಠ ༽ﾉ 𓋼𓍊
Uh oh…
𓍊𓋼 (＃｀д´)ﾉﾉ⌒●~* 𓋼𓍊
"Noooooo~~ Bella, remember what we talked about! Don't do the war crimes where you eat!"
…
After a rapid back and forth, Kaien managed to get Bella's impulses under control, saving the high command of Konoha from mushroom doom.
Figuratively wiping the sweat of that close call from his brow, he leaned back to take a well deserved rest, Bella hopped onto his forehead to comfort herself.
Hiruzen cleared his throat. "Since you seem to have ample focus, Kaien, I assume you were listening?"
"Bold assumption," Kaien said immediately.
The sound of a palm slapping against a forehead rang out.
Tenzo sighed. "The mission. The success. The part where we definitely caused more destruction than required."
Kaien smirked. "Define required."
Bella wobbled in agreement.
𓍊𓋼 (ʘ‿ʘ) 🔥💀 𓋼𓍊
Hiruzen exhaled slowly, the look of a man who had long since given up trying to reason with his more eccentric shinobi. "Regardless. We have confirmation that Orochimaru is expanding his operations. The Sound Village is a reality."
Kakashi, still flipping through Icha Icha, hummed. "Oh dear."
Hiruzen rubbed his head, even the captain of the team was disinterested. "The mission report is concluded, but Kaien, you're not dismissed."
Kaien immediately sat up. "Am I getting paid extra for this?"
Hiruzen ignored him as the doors opened.
The rest of the team bolted out the door.
Betrayed. Utterly betrayed. Tenzo? Yugao? Anko-chan? Even Kakashi-senpai? Has everyone forsaken the Will of Fire?
Bella, recognizing the true enemy, twitched.
𓍊𓋼 (⊙︿⊙) 𓋼𓍊
Kaien mirrored the sentiment with a puff of smoke.
༄༅༄༅ (눈_눈) ༄༅༄༅
"Kaien Iburi," Old Bat Fogey began, in a tone that suggested she had personally never experienced joy, "we must discuss the future of your bloodline."
Kaien dramatically flopped back down. "You're not my type."
Glasses Fogey unfurled an uncomfortably thick scroll.
Unfurl. Unfurl. Unfurl.
Gulp.
"As one of the last surviving Iburi—and given your… enhanced capabilities—you are a prime candidate to strengthen future generations."
Kaien blinked at the sheer novelty of the list. "You put Hinata Hyūga on here?"
"We were simply listing candidates from all interested parties," the advisor said, unfazed.
"She's twelve." Kaien gave Hiruzen a betrayed look. "Why are you allowing this?"
Hiruzen turned his head, looking out the window. "My, what an interesting thing I see outside the window."
Traitors everywhere. And don't think I can't hear that smirk.
Kaien scowled at the blatant avoidance and flipped through the scroll. Nobles, minor clan names, a civilian or two, ugh… Then his eyes snagged on something.
Wait.
He leaned in.
And then leaned in harder.
His pipe nearly fell from his lips. His heart skipped. His vision sparkled.
"Hold up." He tapped the parchment. "This says Tsunade Senju."
Hiruzen, mid-sip of his tea, choked so hard his soul momentarily left his body. Papers scattered. The teacup hit the desk with a sad little clink. The Third Hokage wheezed, clutching at life as though the sheer audacity of the words had physically struck him down.
Kaien, meanwhile, was experiencing the exact opposite reaction.
Heart eyes. Nosebleed. Smoke curling into a suggestive shape.
"VERY NICE, advisor-sama!"
He turned to the council with a double thumbs-up.
Silence.
One of the council members pinched the bridge of his nose. Another whispered something about needing stronger tea.
Hiruzen was still wheezing.
༄༅༄༅ 🍈🍈ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ) ༄༅༄༅
Bella wobbled beside him, hype as hell.
𓍊𓋼 (ɔ≖‿≖)ɔ⚡🍈🍈❤️ 𓋼𓍊
Hiruzen finally sucked in enough air to slam a fist onto the desk. "Absolutely not!"
Kaien sighed, slumping back in his chair. "Tch. Stingy."
~~~ Kaien Iburi ~~~
Smoke curled lazily toward the Izakaya ceiling as laughter echoed around the small booth. Empty sake bottles littered the table like fallen soldiers, casualties of the shinobis blowing off steam.
Anko slammed her cup down, grinning wickedly. "No, seriously, Kaien—what'd the geezer and the fun police drag you aside for?"
Kaien leaned back lazily, eyes half-lidded, and rested his elbow on the table and head on his palm. "Wouldn't you like to know."
Guy slapped a dramatic palm onto the table. "But of course, Kaien-kun! Our youthful friendship needs no secrets!"
Bella, perched proudly next to Kaien's elbow, wobbled mischievously.
𓍊𓋼 (¬‿¬ ) 𓋼𓍊
Kaien gave Bella a sideways glare. "Don't you dare."
Bella tilted innocently.
𓍊𓋼 (ʘ‿ʘ) ❔ 𓋼𓍊
Kurenai chuckled, leaning closer. "Sounds juicy. Spill it, Bella."
Bella quivered, clearly enjoying her moment in the spotlight.
𓍊𓋼 💍👰♀️👰♀️👰♀️𓋼𓍊
Asuma blinked. "Marriage talks? Again?"
Kaien groaned, dropping his forehead to the table. "Et tu, Bella?"
𓍊𓋼 ¯\(ツ)/¯ 𓋼𓍊
Kakashi smirked behind his mask. "So, who'd they saddle you with this time?"
Kaien lifted his head, sighing dramatically. "A twelve-year-old Hyūga and, I shit you not, Tsunade."
Yugao snorted into her drink. "They seriously put Lady Tsunade on the list? Do they have a death wish."
Anko cackled. "Did you at least consider it?"
Kaien shrugged, exhaling a slow puff of smoke. "I said 'yes' so fast they got the answer last Tuesday. But our cruel Hokage poo-pood the idea."
Asuma raised his cup solemnly. "A toast to impossible dreams."
𓍊𓋼 (≖‿≖)🥂 𓋼𓍊
Everyone laughed, clinking cups. Kaien joined in, despite himself.
…
Several hours and half the liquor cabinet later, the booth had collapsed into full-on debauchery.
The once crisp and orderly table was a disaster zone. Empty bottles, half-full cups, and a tragic amount of spilled alcohol soaked into the wood. Conversation had lost all structure. Everything was either the funniest thing in the world or the most profound insight ever uttered by shinobi lips.
Anko was half-sprawled across Kaien's lap, one leg kicked up onto the bench, her arm hooked lazily around his neck. She twirled a sake cup between her fingers, eyes hazy.
One arm wrapped around her, his fingers stroked lazy patterns over her side, mindlessly playing over the fishnet fabric.
Anko's face was atomic red, her usual bluster and sharp teasing nowhere to be seen.
"You ever gonna stop being a tease, Smoke-boy?"
Kaien extended his pipe before Anko's face, letting her take a puff. "I've got something else you could wrap your lips around." A self-satisfied smirk split his face.
Anko coughed, slapping a rhythm against his chest. "Don't let your mouth write checks your pipe can't fill."
𓋼𓍊 (ﾉ∀＼•) 𓋼𓍊
The table groaned.
Asuma let his head roll back, looking like he wanted the gods to strike him down. "Every time. Every single time we drink."
Kurenai lifted her cup and gestured vaguely at them. "We should start charging admission."
Bella wobbled in place, fully invested.
𓍊𓋼 (¬‿¬ ) 🍶✨ 𓋼𓍊
Yugao sipped her drink and raised a brow. "You two ever gonna stop dancing around it?"
Anko grinned like she was about to stab someone. "Only if he makes me."
Kaien smirked, shifting just enough that his breath ghosted over her ear. "Tch. You sure you can keep up, Mitarashi?"
Bella vibrated so hard she nearly fell over.
𓍊𓋼 |ω・）❤️❤️ 𓋼𓍊
Kakashi turned a page in his book without looking up. "We should start placing bets."
Asuma groaned. "I would lose all my damn money."
Anko turned and leaned into Kaien's space even further. "Tell you what," she purred. "I'll finally make a move when one of you lot gets your own act together."
The table fell silent.
She pointed a deadly accurate finger at Asuma. "You? Grow a pair and ask Kurenai out."
Asuma choked on his drink.
Anko turned to Guy. "You? Stop treating the sunset like a romantic partner and actually date someone."
Guy gasped. "The sunset and I share a sacred bond."
Finally, she locked onto Yugao. "And you? Stop pretending you don't have a thing for Tenzo."
Yugao, who had been entirely unprepared for this, nearly spit her sake. "I'm with Hayate!"
"Oh yeah…"
Bella began wobbling wildly, clearly entertained.
𓍊𓋼 ✨(⊃•́ ₃ •̀⊂) ✨ 𓋼𓍊
Kaien chuckled as the chaos unfolded. "Damn, Anko. You sure you're not just dodging the question?"
Anko grinned wide, tilting her head against his shoulder. "Oh, honey. If I was dodging, you'd never touch me."
Kaien met her gaze, fingers walking up her side, then palming her cheek. "Oh yeah?"
Bella tilted forward dramatically, like she was trying to push them together.
𓍊𓋼 (งಥ‿ಥ)ง💋 𓋼𓍊
The table held its breath.
Kaien exhaled slow and smirked. "Guess I'll have to work harder then."
Anko scoffed. "Coward."
Kurenai groaned and rubbed her temples. "I cannot do this anymore."
Asuma sighed. "I am way too drunk for this."
Bella wobbled in immeasurable disappointment.
𓍊𓋼 (ಥ_ಥ) 𓋼𓍊
One by one, the group filtered out. Yugao dragged Anko off, Asuma and Kurenai wandered away still arguing, and Guy was politely removed by the Izakaya staff after launching into an impassioned speech about perseverance.
Only Kaien, Kakashi, and a completely unconscious Tenzo remained.
…
The air had settled. The earlier noise faded into the hum of cicadas and distant voices.
Kaien exhaled a slow stream of smoke, watching it dissipate into the lantern-lit air.
Kakashi, still nursing his drink, glanced at Tenzo. "Think he's dead?"
"What do you think, Bella?"
𓍊𓋼 ┑(￣Д ￣)┍ 𓋼𓍊
Kaien prodded Tenzo's arm with a single, lazy finger.
Tenzo let out a soft, absolutely pathetic groan.
𓍊𓋼 [¬º-°]¬ 𓋼𓍊
Kaien smirked, "Yeah, he'll be feeling that in the morning."
Kakashi stretched an arm over the back of the booth, his usual mask of indifference intact. His book was gone.
"That thing you were actually worried about," Kakashi said, voice quiet but certain. "Still eating at you?"
Kaien tapped a slow rhythm against his pipe. "Tch. You know me."
Kakashi gave him a sideways look, tired but knowing. "Yeah, I do."
He glanced at Tenzo's half-unconscious form, which was giving a thumbs up with his face still down. "We both do."
Kaien chuckled and rubbed his temple. "Not like I'm against the idea of settling down. Hell, who doesn't want a pretty wife or two?" He exhaled again, quieter this time. "But you already know what I'm worried about."
Kakashi didn't push. Just waited.
Kaien clicked his tongue, shaking his head. His fingers tapped against the table, faster now.
"Tch. Easy for them to say, right? Easy to make plans when it's not their body. Not their blood."
Kakashi didn't say anything.
Kaien scoffed, taking a long sip before setting his cup down hard enough to rattle the table.
"Shit, I don't even know what I am half the time. Orochimaru sure as hell didn't. What if I pass that on? What if I don't?"
The words sat there for a long time. Kaien let them hang, like smoke curling from his lips.
Kakashi finally spoke. "You're Kaien. That's enough."
Kaien huffed, but there was no bite in it.
𓍊𓋼 ⊃(ಥДಥ)⊃❤️ 𓋼𓍊
Kaien chuckled. "Thanks, Bella."
Kakashi's visible eye curved in a smile. "Another drink?"
Kaien nodded and sank back into his chair. "Yeah. One more couldn't hurt."
The lantern light flickered. The night stretched on.
~~~ Kaien Iburi~~~
~~ That night ~~
Laughter rang through the hazy warmth of afternoon light.
Kaien was small, no more than four or five, chasing after the neighbor boy through the stone corridors near their home. The floor was packed earth, soft beneath his feet, the air cool with the scent of damp stone and moss.
"Faster!" he called, grinning, his tiny hands outstretched toward the light filtering in from above. "Bet you can't catch me, Kaien!"
Kaien huffed and surged forward, feet kicking up dust. He was almost there. Almost close enough to grab hold of Takumi's sleeve.
Then the wind came.
A strange gust, curling through the cavern, carrying with it a hollow whistle.
The boy's laughter cut off with a gasp. His body flickered like candle smoke.
Kaien skidded to a stop.
"Hey—"
A wisp. A blur. Then nothing.
The boy was gone.
The cave still stood around him. The air was still cool. The scent of moss still clung to the stone. But the space where Takumi had been was empty.
Kaien turned.
His neighbor's grandmother was sweeping near the entrance. The old woman smiled at him, soft wrinkles forming at the corners of her lips.
Another gust rolled through.
Her body shuddered. Then… gone.
Her broom clattered onto the stone, rocking slightly before settling into stillness.
Kaien took a step back.
Wind whistled through the cracks and tunnels, slipping through the places where it should not have been.
A man leaned against the cavern wall, arms crossed, eyes closed.
A woman adjusted a woven mat, hands careful as she smoothed a sleeve.
A child laughed, reaching toward the light filtering in from above.
All of them flickered. All of them wavered. All of them were snuffed out.
One by one.
The breeze curled through Kaien's hair, tugging at his clothes, slipping cool fingers beneath his collar. He clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut.
Not me. Not me. Not me.
The wind howled louder.
Kaien's breath hitched.
He turned toward home.
The door was open. It shouldn't have been open.
The floor was smooth under his feet as he stepped inside.
His mother's sandals were still by the entrance.
His father's tea sat untouched on the table.
The smell of warm broth lingered in the air.
But the house was empty.
A quiet sob hiccuped from the next room.
Kaien's heart jumped. He ran, nearly tripping over the threshold, hands grabbing the frame to catch himself.
His little sister sat curled in the middle of the woven mats, tiny fists clutching at the air where something—someone—should have been.
Tears streaked down her round cheeks. She looked up at him, wide-eyed and terrified.
"Nii-chan," she whimpered. "Where's Mama?"
Wind curled through the entrance.
Her body flickered.
NO!
Kaien lunged forward.
His hands passed through smoke.
The wind took her, right through his fingers.
Gone.
The empty house creaked around him.
Kaien stood there, small and alone, the last one left.
The wind curled against his skin, brushing his hair back in a soft, cool whisper.
Not yet.
Not you.
Kaien screamed.
And then he woke up.