Ethan's eyes snapped open.
The world swam into focus, the jagged edges of the crevice scraping against his back.
Dust motes danced in the slivers of sunlight that pierced the gloom.
He felt…odd.
Like he'd been plugged into the planet itself, a faint hum vibrating beneath his skin.
He could almost taste the minerals in the rocks, smell the damp earth, *feel* the scuttling of unseen things deep below.
And then he saw her.
Mia.
But not the Mia he knew.
This Mia was…different.
Her eyes, usually soft and uncertain, now glowed with an otherworldly luminescence.
Tendrils of vibrant green, thicker than a man's arm, snaked out from her back, weaving and pulsing with an almost sentient energy.
They writhed and curled, manipulating the very stones of the crevice, widening it just enough for him to escape.
It was like something out of a fever dream.
*What in the actual fudge?
* Ethan thought, scrambling out of the fissure.
A notification flashed before his eyes, courtesy of his ever-helpful system.
*"Detected: Symbiotic Entity - Millennial Spiritbloom.
Temporary access to host granted.
Duration: Uncertain.
Side effects may include: glowing eyes, uncontrollable urge to photosynthesize, and the overwhelming desire to wear floral prints.
"*
Ethan snorted.
*Floral prints?
Seriously?
* He looked at Mia, a mixture of awe and bewilderment swirling within him.
*"Millennial Spiritbloom…so that's what she is…"* he muttered.
Meanwhile, back on the main stage of the Qingyun Sect's grand ceremony, Lucas stood bathed in the adoration of the assembled disciples.
His smile was as bright and warm as the midday sun, his voice smooth as honeyed wine.
He gestured towards Ethan, who was dusting himself off and trying to ignore the fact he felt like a walking, talking bonsai tree.
"And here he is," Lucas announced, his voice dripping with false sincerity, "the brave disciple who risked life and limb to protect our sacred grounds! Ethan, step forward and receive your due praise!"
Ethan squinted.
Something was definitely off.
Lucas's praise felt…performative.
Like a politician kissing a baby.
And the way he kept glancing at the elaborately decorated platform – a new addition for the ceremony – made the hairs on the back of Ethan's neck stand up.
Ethan, however, was no fool.
Or at least, not a *complete* fool.
He'd learned to trust his gut, and his gut was screaming, "TRAP!
"
He played along, shuffling forward with a suitably humble demeanor.
"It was nothing, Senior Brother Lucas," he mumbled, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible.
"Just doing my duty.
"
"Nonsense!
" Lucas boomed.
"Such bravery must be rewarded!
And what better way to celebrate than with a friendly sparring match against our esteemed 药堂执事,Phoebe?
It will be a wonderful display of our sect's strength and unity!
"
Ethan's eyes met Phoebe's across the platform.
Her usual placid expression was replaced with a look of… concern?
Warning?
He couldn't quite tell
The platform itself shimmered faintly.
Ethan could sense an unnatural energy emanating from it, a prickly sensation against his skin.
His system helpfully chimed in: *"Warning: Detected high-level formation – 'Inverse Heavenly Tribulation Array.
' Highly recommended you do *not* engage in combat on said platform.
"*
*Yeah, no kidding,* Ethan thought grimly.
As Phoebe gracefully leaped onto the platform, Ethan took a deep breath and decided to play dumb.
He stumbled onto the stage, feigning clumsiness.
"Whoops!
Butterfingers!
" he exclaimed, nearly tripping over his own feet.
He then launched into a ridiculously exaggerated version of the Drunken Immortal Step, a technique he'd barely mastered.
He flailed his arms, wobbled precariously, and generally looked like a toddler attempting to navigate an ice rink.
As Lucas unleashed a blast of energy towards him, Ethan "accidentally" slipped.
He landed flat on his back, a look of bewildered surprise plastered across his face.
Just as the energy was about to hit him, his system activated a new defensive item – the "Cosmic Tofu Shield." A shimmering, translucent block of tofu materialized out of thin air, intercepting Lucas's attack.
The tofu, however, reacted… strangely with the energy of the array.
Instead of deflecting the blast, it seemed to amplify it, redirecting the full force of the attack…directly into Ethan's chest.
"What the…" Ethan choked out, clutching his chest.
He could feel the energy burning through him, a searing pain that made him see stars.
The last thing he saw before his vision went black was Lucas's face, the mask of benevolence slipping to reveal something cold, cruel, and… triumphant.
"Well, well," Lucas purred, his voice low and menacing, "looks like our little hero isn't so invincible after all…"
Ethan took a deep breath, and channeled every ounce of his newfound, utterly bizarre connection to… well, everything.
It felt like trying to herd caffeinated kittens with a wet noodle, but he focused.
He *had* to.
Lucas's smug face was just begging for a punch (metaphorically, for now.
Gotta play the game, right?
).
The air crackled around him, not with the refined, controlled energy of Lucas's practiced Qi, but with something… else.
Something that smelled faintly of burnt popcorn and teenage rebellion.
Elder Chen, bless his cotton socks, was looking increasingly like he regretted ever suggesting this little "demonstration." Phoebe, the药堂执事 (yàotáng zhíshì – *pharmacopoeia warden*.
Gotta throw in some Chinese, makes it feel authentic, eh?
), her eyes narrowed behind her spectacles, a barely perceptible nod towards Mia.
Smart lady.
She *knew* things were about to get interesting.
"Very well, Ethan," Lucas said, his voice dripping with that honeyed condescension that made Ethan want to introduce his face to a brick wall.
"Show us this… *unique* method of yours."
Ethan grinned, a wide, slightly manic expression.
"You asked for it, pretty boy."
He didn't bother with the standard meditation pose.
Screw that noise.
Instead, he struck a pose that could only be described as "drunken crane attempting the Macarena." One leg wobbled precariously, his arms flailed, and he made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a strangled goose.
The crowd gasped.
Elder Chen facepalmed.
Lucas's perfect composure flickered, a tiny crack in his porcelain mask.
Good.
"Is this some kind of… joke?" Lucas asked, his voice a low snarl.
"Joke? No, no, my dear Lucas," Ethan said, still wobbling.
"This is… *advanced* cultivation. You wouldn't understand."
And then, the *real* weirdness began.
The air around Ethan shimmered, and not with Qi.
It shimmered with… *colors*.
Colors that shouldn't exist, colors that tasted faintly of raspberry.
A small potted plant near Elder Chen spontaneously burst into a cloud of rainbow glitter.
A passing disciple sneezed, and a miniature dragon made of snot shot out of his nose before dissolving into thin air.
Okay, maybe Ethan was losing control a *little* bit.
But then, Mia stepped forward.
She couldn't speak, but her eyes… her eyes glowed with that same strange energy that was swirling around Ethan.
She raised a hand, and a single, perfect dewdrop formed on the tip of her finger.
It shimmered with an inner light, pulsing with the raw, untamed power of the ancient herbs that flowed through her veins.
Lucas, who had been about to launch into a scathing reprimand, froze.
He stared at the dewdrop, his eyes widening in horror.
He recognized that power.
It was the same power he had been trying to suppress, to control, for years.
The power of the ancient spirit herbs, the power that Mia embodied.
The dewdrop floated towards Ethan, and as it touched his skin, the chaotic energy swirling around him coalesced.
It focused.
It *amplified*.
Ethan felt a surge of power unlike anything he had ever imagined.
It wasn't the refined, controlled power of a seasoned cultivator.
It was wild, untamed, and utterly ridiculous.
He grinned.
"Oops," he said.
"Looks like I *accidentally* achieved… the next level."
And then, because the universe clearly had a sense of humor, a bolt of lightning shot down from the clear blue sky and struck Lucas squarely in the… well, let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight.
* **The System:** Don't forget the "荒唐仙途" system!
Maybe Ethan gets a notification after the lightning strike: "Congratulations! You have unlocked the 'Divine Retribution' skill! Use with caution (may cause excessive smiting)."
Hope that's a good start!
Let me know what you think, and if you want me to elaborate on any particular aspect.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden craving for popcorn...
and a strange urge to do the Macarena.
😉