It took him a while to respond.
"Ah... No! It's not what you're thinking. I mean, Jed, Ali, and I had planned to meet up that time because we were going to invite you to watch a movie. But when we called you, we were told you had already gone out. Then, by accident, we saw you at the mall. We preferred not to approach you, so we just decided to watch the movie ourselves. Coincidentally, you watched the same movie, so we saw you together with your friends and that guy," he explained.
"Oh, okay. Well yeah, I guess he is?" I answered uncertainly.
"Why does it seem like you're not sure?" he asked.
"Nothing. It's a long story," I replied, not wanting to discuss how and why I ended up with a boyfriend when it wasn't part of my plan.
"I have enough time to listen, you know," he immediately said.
"I don't want to talk about it. Because honestly, he's not really the one I was waiting for to notice me. Unfortunately, he was the one I ended up with," I said with a shrug.
"Because you're the one I was waiting for. But I know I don't stand a chance with you. Why did I have to fall for someone like you, someone so stiff? It's so hard! And I was scared to show my feelings, afraid I'd just embarrass myself."
I wanted to say that out loud, but I kept it to myself instead.
"Um… Lui, sorry if I'm being nosy," he said softly.
"It's alright," I replied briefly.
"To be honest, I regret all the foolish things I did, but I have to live with the consequences of my actions. James is a good guy, but I just don't like him the way he likes me. As a friend, sure—that's all I can give him because my heart belongs to someone else. Before, I thought it was impossible for him to like me because there's nothing attractive about me—I'm only 5'2", I move like a boy, and I always wear just a t-shirt and jeans. That's how I feel comfortable, and I simply prefer being simple. But now, I feel even more disheartened because I know there's really no chance for me and my crush. Ugh."
I had forgotten that I wasn't alone as I got lost in my thoughts.
"Lui? Are you okay?" he asked, puzzled.
"Huh? Yeah, sorry. I spaced out," I quickly said.
"It's okay. You must be tired. Do you want me to take you home?" he asked.
"Huh? I'm fine. I thought you had something to say—Ali mentioned it to me earlier."
"Well yeah, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate. Or if I still need to say it. I mean, after everything I've just heard," he said, scratching the back of his head.
"Why? What were you going to tell me?" I asked curiously.
"It's… uhm… I don't know what to say. I mean, I don't know how to tell you." He explained, his hands tucked in his jean's pockets, staring into the distance as if lost in deep thought.
"I don't think you'd ask me to walk with you like this if it wasn't important. Come on, what is it?" I pressed.
He stared at me as if trying to decide whether to say it or not. Meanwhile, I anxiously waited, and honestly, I became curious about what he was about to say.
He suddenly stopped walking and grabbed both of my shoulders, his hands noticeably shaking. I was caught off guard by his touch and by the way he held me, as if I were fragile.
"Lui, did you know that for over a year since we met, I've always tried to tell you that I like you? But I never got the chance because there was always something that got in the way. Or sometimes, I just froze up because I was so nervous. I like you a lot, Lui. But I guess I'm too late. I just couldn't find the right time to confess," he said, lowering his head as if accepting defeat.
I was stunned; my mind completely blank from what I had just heard.
"I never imagined that the person I had liked for so long actually liked me too. I've waited for this for so long, but why is he only saying it now? That's so unfair! Why now, when I've already been forced into this deal with James and the group? He should have said something sooner—I could've gone wild and fought for this! That was supposed to be it. But why weren't we allowed to be together? This is so painful! This is so unfair!"
I didn't realize I was already crying. The pain of regret was overwhelming—it hurt so much to think that just when I had given up hope, that was when he finally confessed his feelings for me.
I sobbed, unable to find the words to say. I couldn't even look at him—I kept my head down as my tears continued to fall. I didn't know how he reacted until I heard him sniffle.
"Was he crying too?" That was the only thing that crossed my mind, but I still couldn't bring myself to look at him.
He pulled me into a tight hug, and I felt the weight of both our emotions. Neither of us spoke—the only sounds around us were the passing cars, since we were standing by the roadside near the jeepney stop, close to the mall where they had seen me at the movies.
I didn't even think about whether people were watching our little drama unfold. Whatever, let Batman deal with it.
We stayed like that for a few minutes.
Until I couldn't take it anymore—I was the first to pull away and finally spoke.
"Why did you only tell me now? Why did I have to hear all of this when I had already given up hope?"
He just shook his head, unable to say anything.
When I saw a jeepney pull up, I didn't wait for him to answer.
I left him with those questions and a heavy heart.
I didn't want to go back to the apartment feeling like this. I had no intention of showing myself to the others—I wasn't ready to talk about it with them.
So, I decided to go to Mitch's house instead. It took two jeepney rides before I got there.
I knew she was staying with her aunt because her parents lived in a faraway province. That's why I didn't hesitate to stay over, especially since I already knew her aunt. She had been our schoolmate last year but was now reviewing for the LET board exam.
"Lui? Are you okay?" VM asked me. One afternoon, she found me staring off into the distance, clearly deep in thought.
"Yeah," I replied briefly when she saw me zoning out on the terrace of our apartment. I knew they were already wondering about my behavior because ever since that night when I didn't come home after talking to George, I had become quiet. I also kept finding ways to avoid being with them. Even though they were curious, no one tried to ask because they knew that when I was ready, I would tell them what was wrong—they never needed to ask.
So even though we didn't have that much schoolwork, I deliberately did mine at home or in the library to avoid them inviting me to hang out. I also stopped spending my vacant time at the student lounge and instead chose to stay in our school's radio booth, even when it wasn't my duty.
I knew they wouldn't come looking for me here on the fourth floor because only Mass Communication students were allowed in this area. Besides, our classrooms for my major subjects were nearby, so it was easier for me to stay here and avoid them. Most of the time, I ate with Mitch and Zette in the pantry of our Mass Communication Center, and I just asked others to buy food for me.
They were also the only ones who knew what had happened—I wasn't ready to tell VM yet because she was connected to David, AC, and James.
I was still trying to sort things out in my mind, figuring out how to explain everything to them in a way they would understand.
I was struggling with my situation with James because I knew I was only fooling him, and I would continue giving him false hope if I didn't tell him the truth. From the beginning, we both knew that our relationship was wrong—we only got together because of a bet. I knew that once the truth came out, a lot of people would be affected.
"I don't know what's going to happen. Will my friends hate me or understand me? Will they still accept me if I break up with James? I just want to make things right this time, and the only way to do that is to be honest with him and end things. Because if I drag this on any longer, I'll just feel guiltier, and I'll end up hurting him even more—along with our friends."
"Earth to Lui!" Mitch suddenly shouted, snapping me out of my thoughts. I didn't even realize they had already returned from the cafeteria with our lunch.
"How long have you been here?" I could only ask.
"Oh, about three minutes, I guess? We called you, but you were so deep in thought you didn't even hear Zette and me," she complained, sitting beside me as they placed the food on the table.
"Lui, VM and the others were asking about you earlier. We ran into them at the cafeteria—they were on their way out while we were heading in. We just told them that you were busy up here because we had a lot of presentations and articles to finish," Zette said softly.
"Thanks, Zette," I replied briefly.
That was our agreed excuse—to say we had a lot of work to do—just so I could avoid them. Lately, I hadn't been going home to our apartment much. I often chose to sleep over at Mitch's place and volunteered to take on extra tasks for our group, just so I could keep myself busy. That way, I'd be exhausted by the time night came, making it easier for me to fall asleep.
"How long are you going to be like this, Lui?" Mitch asked me.
"I don't know, Mitch. I really don't know," I said with a deep sigh, leaving both of them silent.
"Lui, don't get mad, but… what's your plan?" Mitch asked again.
"That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out right now, Mitch. I'm really struggling. I never expected any of this to happen. Just when I had finally stopped hoping, that's when he confessed. Now, I feel trapped in a deal. And honestly, I feel regret," I said, my voice cracking as I tried to hold back my tears.
"What exactly are you struggling with?" Zette asked, continuing to eat her lunch.
"A lot of things. I have so much to consider—our friends, James, how they'll react, what they'll say about me. And then there's James… Even though our relationship started off wrong, I still care about his feelings. He's a person too, and he's never done anything to hurt me. In fact, he's always been kind to me. I can tell he's sincere in everything he does, but I just… I can't force myself to love him back. Do you get what I mean?" I explained, blinking away the tears threatening to fall.
"That's just how it is, Lui. No matter what you do, and no matter what decision you make, someone will end up getting hurt. Pain comes hand in hand with love," Mitch said, trying to make me understand.
"Wow, Mitch! That speech of yours… It's like you've been in love and heartbroken before!" Zette teased.
"Shut up! Why? Do you think only people who've been in love and hurt can have insights about these things? Can't I just base it on what I've heard from my friends?" Mitch shot back, rolling her eyes.
"Oh really? Then what about Kim? How's her courting you going? I haven't seen you sharing chocolates with us lately," Zette teased her right back.
"I'm still thinking about it," Mitch answered.
"Why? Kim's a good person. What else is there to think about? I thought you liked her too?" I asked, curious.
"Well… I've been thinking about how society will accept us," she admitted, staring at her food.
Kim was part of the LGBT community—a lesbian, to be exact. But if you didn't know, you'd easily mistake her for a guy because she had the look of a heartthrob. We didn't even realize she was a girl at first, especially since she was a transferee from Manila. When we finally found out the truth, we were all surprised— "Kim is such a handsome lesbian" was our first reaction. She looked like a celebrity, had great fashion sense, and had that rich, polished aura.
"Come on! Why would you hold yourself back if you like her and she's important to you? What really matters is that you both get along and love each other. I can see that Kim is sincere with you, and she's a genuinely good person. Unlike that other guy who courted you—he was straight, sure, but… you know, he was just… ugh, I don't even know how to put it," Zette explained.
"But what if my parents find out?" Mitch asked hesitantly.
"They won't find out unless your aunt tells them. And as if your aunt doesn't have her own secrets," Zette added with a smirk.
"What weighs more for you? What people will say about you two, or what you truly feel for each other?" I asked, joining the conversation.
"Weh? Seriously, Lui? You're asking that? Then let me ask you—what weighs more for you? The opinions of James' friends, who you keep giving false hope, or being honest with everyone, including yourself?" Zette fired back at me.
Mitch burst out laughing at Zette's comeback.
"You know, the way you lecture Mitch and me, you'd think you've already moved on from your ex. As if you didn't go through intense heartbreak recently—the same heartbreak that got us wasted in alcohol," I teased Zette.
"It's a good thing you haven't run into him at school yet, huh?" Mitch added.
"Oh, please. The truth is, you won't run into him because he's deliberately avoiding you. I'm sure he already knows that you found out everything. It wouldn't be surprising if his mom already told him that you went to their house and confronted her," I said.
The two of them nodded in agreement, and we all just laughed before continuing our meal. Soon, some of our early bird classmates started arriving, hanging out in the air-conditioned room next to the radio booth. They weren't there for class—our next class wasn't until 2:15, and it was still lunchtime. The MC Center had just become our usual hangout spot.
Weeks passed quickly, and I still hadn't spoken to Georje. Apparently, they had called the apartment multiple times, but they never caught me there. That's because I was rarely home. I purposely kept myself busy with different things so no one could bother me. So far, VM, Yara, and Nika understood—at least, they thought we were genuinely busy. What they didn't know was that I was only using "being busy" as an excuse to avoid them.
It also just so happened that they often saw me outside the campus, working on projects for my major subjects, so they had no clue about what I was going through or why I was hardly around. Back then, VM and I were inseparable on weekends, but now, it was the complete opposite. They had their own plans, and I barely joined them. Instead, I spent most of my time at the Mass Comm Center, with the dance troupe, or out for school projects. I also started drinking more with Zette, Mitch, and our other groupmates—and I even learned how to smoke.
Around nine in the evening, my groupmates and I were leaving the school campus. We had just finished presenting our script for our TV Production subject, and we decided to celebrate our accomplishment. Since we were heading to Mitch's house, we walked to a convenience store first before catching a jeep.
Unexpectedly, we ran into James and his mountaineering group.
"Lui, isn't that your boyfriend?" Roy, one of my male classmates walking beside me, whispered.
"Huh?"
"Over there! I think they're coming toward us. Try not to make it obvious that we were just talking about them. I've been noticing that they've been staring at you while you and Zette were having a serious conversation," Blue explained, having apparently eavesdropped on our talk.
"Okay," was all I said.
"Are you going to talk to him?" Zette chimed in.
"I don't know, Zette. If he asks, just tell him we have group work to do so the conversation won't drag on," I pleaded.
Luckily, they followed my lead. When James and his group got closer, we realized AC was with them—but David wasn't, since he had walked VM home.
"I think they believed our excuse since we were carrying folders, cartolinas, and Manila papers. They probably thought we still had work to do, hahaha!" Blue laughed.
"So, it turns out our 'celebration' was just a cover for a drinking tournament, hahaha! I swear, I could be an actress at this point!" he added, laughing even harder, making our other classmates join in.
Mitch and Zette laughed along too. Thankfully, James and his group were gone by the time we stepped out of the convenience store after buying canned goods, biscuits, chips, and bottles of alcohol.
December arrived, and we were busy preparing for the school's Christmas Festival. I started seeing VM, Nika, Yara, and the rest of the gang more often, but we barely talked since I was always caught up with my groupmates or dance practice. I planned to talk to James on VM's birthday, knowing he'd be there. I knew I wouldn't be able to escape that moment since it would be during Christmas break. That's when I'd finally tell him everything—and end things for good so he wouldn't keep hoping.
Christmas Festival
"Guys! Chill, we got this! Are we really going to let stress and pressure get to us now?" Blue cheered as we all busied ourselves with our respective tasks. Some classmates ran out of the MC Center, trying to catch our professor to submit their final projects before the break. Meanwhile, Mitch, Zette, and I were getting ready for our dance performance at the festival program.
It was only seven in the morning, and the program wasn't starting until nine. After lunch, different groups, organizations, and departments would be hosting their own Christmas parties. The festival program itself would only last two hours since our department was hosting it this year.
"Oh, please! Who's even complaining about stress and pressure? I don't think I heard anyone say that," Zette said, confused.
"Nobody, but I'm just saying it for those classmates of ours who are now cramming to submit their projects, haha. It's their fault for prioritizing relaxation first—now they're panicking," Blue teased, looking at the struggling students nearby.
"Leave them alone, Blue. They're not bothering you, so don't bother them. If they hear you, it'll just cause more drama," Mitch scolded him.
I didn't join in on their bickering. I didn't feel like talking. Lately, my mind had been blank, and I often found myself zoning out.
Suddenly, someone shouted, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Lui! Someone's looking for you outside!" one of our classmates called from the doorway.
"Huh?"
I hesitated to stand up, suddenly feeling nervous. No one had ever looked for me at the MC Center before. VM and my other friends never bothered coming here, mainly because climbing all the way to the fourth floor was exhausting, and they knew outsiders weren't allowed inside.
"Lui, someone's looking for you," Mitch said to me while nudging me.
"Who could it be?" Zette asked, probably noticing the surprise and confusion on my face about who could be looking for me outside.
"Do you want to go out and see, or should I check first to find out who it is?" Zette asked.
"I don't know. I don't really have any friends who come up here since they always say it's tiring, and they know they're not allowed inside. Now I'm getting nervous," I explained. But the truth was, I was more confused than anything. I couldn't think of anyone, which made me even more anxious.
"Okay, here's what we'll do. I'll go out first and see who it is and what they need from you. Then I'll come back, and you can decide if you want to talk to them or not. Does that sound good? Because honestly, you seem out of it again," Zette reasoned.
"Alright, Zette. I'll go with you so you have backup. Lui, are you okay here?" Mitch asked. I could only nod in response while my mind continued racing with questions about who was looking for me outside. I was starting to get really anxious.
The two of them stood up together, placing down the costumes we had been working on by adding extra sequences. I let them go without saying anything, even though I could feel Blue staring at me from across the table.
After a few moments, Blue must have run out of patience because he finally spoke.
"Maria Luisa Demiranda, I feel like I haven't seen you laugh or even smile naturally in a long time. You don't talk much anymore. It's like the whole world is weighing down on you," he said, his words filled with concern, though I didn't even glance at him and just kept working on what I was doing.
"If your problem is breaking things off with James, why don't you just talk to him and be honest? Be direct. End it. That way, you won't have to suffer anymore. You've changed so much ever since you started carrying this burden, Lui. You're always lost in thought. You used to be so grade-conscious, but even if you don't say anything, I know your grades have been affected, too," he continued lecturing me like an older brother.
"Sorry, Lui. I'm only saying this because I care about you. You all mean a lot to me. After everything we've been through together, I can tell when something's wrong—especially with you," he added.
I couldn't say anything after hearing his words.