The next morning, I didn't get up right away to go downstairs for breakfast, even though I could hear from VM's room that they were already awake and eating. I deliberately stayed in bed because James had asked me not to see him before he—or they—left.
Luckily, VM was still asleep beside me. About thirty minutes after I went upstairs last night, she followed, saying she was sleepy and tired. She even complained that she was tipsy. She didn't want to get drunk because she said it would give her a headache, and she didn't want to welcome the new year with a hangover.
I couldn't fall back asleep. I just lay there, listening to the sounds coming from downstairs. I stayed in bed until I felt VM wake up beside me. She was the first to speak, even though I had my back turned to her.
"Lui, is there something wrong between you and James?" she asked as soon as she woke up without even greetings.
This was one of the things I had prepared for. I knew I had to talk to VM before going home. It was better for her to hear everything directly from me.
"A problem? I guess… yeah, it is a problem," I answered softly.
"Why? What is it?" she asked.
"I just want to fix my mistakes, sis. As much as possible, I don't want to hurt anyone. I realized that if I don't do something to make things right, my mistakes will continue, and they'll only lead to bigger problems," I explained.
"What do you mean, sis?" she asked curiously.
Even though I was nervous, I calmly told her everything. I explained as clearly as I could everything James and I had talked about the night before. I told her everything in detail.
"VM, I'll understand if you're mad at me because of what I did. I admit that I really hurt James with everything that happened between us. Like I said, I'll take all the blame. It's really my fault. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry," I added after telling her about my conversation with James.
"I don't have a problem with James, honestly. If I could just teach my heart to love him instead, I would have. James is kind, caring, and I enjoyed being with him. He's also a respectful person. But all of that isn't enough if my heart loves someone else. It would be so unfair to James if I continued whatever we had, knowing deep inside that I could never return his feelings.
Honestly, it's a shame. But I feel sorry for him, and my guilt is eating me up inside, sis. He doesn't deserve someone like me. I hope you understand my point," I added.
She didn't respond right away. She just stared at the ceiling, as if deep in thought. I didn't say anything else. I let the silence settle between us.
After a while, I got up to prepare for a shower. VM remained quiet. By the time I finished bathing and getting dressed, she was already gone. She must have gone downstairs before me.
I didn't hesitate any longer and went downstairs as well, carrying my bag with me since I planned to leave after talking to AC. As James' best friend and the number one supporter of our relationship, I felt the need to talk to AC before going home.
"Good morning, Mama," I greeted as soon as I saw her in the kitchen, busy with something.
"You're up already, Lui. Eat first before you go home," she replied.
"Yes, Ma. I'll just look for AC and VM really quick," I answered.
"Oh, just leave AC be. He's already eaten. As for VM, she just went outside to finish cleaning up. You two can eat together afterward," she explained.
"Alright, Ma. I'll just help VM first," I said before heading outside.
When I stepped out, I saw VM stacking bottles and sorting the trash. Even though I wasn't sure if things were okay between us or if she was mad at me, I walked over and silently helped her, observing her reaction.
"Lui, I got this. I'm almost done anyway, and you'll just get dirty—yo''ve already showered and changed," she said.
"It's fine. This way, we can eat breakfast together. Mama said you haven't eaten yet," I replied quickly. I felt a bit relieved because she was acting normal toward me. I had honestly expected her to be mad. Still, I wasn't completely at ease—I knew we had to talk again before I could be sure everything was really okay. My biggest concern now was AC.
"Ugh! Lui, you're so stubborn as always!" she complained.
"Come on! At least this way, you'll finish faster, and we can eat together. We won't see each other again until next year—you'll miss me!" I teased.
"Silly! Tomorrow's New Year's Eve, and in just a few days, we'll be together again. Your joke is weak!" she shot back.
We both burst into laughter. I felt a huge weight lift off my chest after that exchange. My heart felt lighter knowing things were okay between us.
As we were finishing our breakfast, VM finally spoke up.
"I'm fine. Thank you for telling me. You didn't really have to, since it was just between you and James, but you still chose to be honest with me. And honestly, I think you did the right thing by talking it out with him. At least now, everything is clear between you two. I understand that this wasn't easy for you either," she said at length.
"Thank you, sis!" I replied with a big smile.
"You don't have to talk to Kuya anymore. I'll just tell him myself. He probably isn't home yet anyway—he dropped them off at the bus terminal, and I think he's stopping by Sheng's place first. You know how he is—completely in love with his girlfriend," she explained.
"Oh yeah! They're so lucky to have each other. They're sweet, and honestly, it's kind of enviable—high school sweethearts, and now they're about to graduate college, still going strong," I gushed.
"I really hope David and I last that long too. It sounds so romantic to have your first boyfriend also be your last—the one you marry and spend your life with," she added.
"Of course, that's totally possible! It just depends on how you two take care of each other and your relationship. I can see how much David loves you, and he's really attentive to you too," I assured her.
"Yeah, but we can't avoid arguments sometimes. There are things we just don't agree on," she admitted.
"That's normal in any relationship. The important thing is that you always manage to work things out," I pointed out.
"He's usually the one who takes the first step to fix things. Between the two of us, I'd say he's the more mature one—not just because he's two years older, but because he really thinks things through," she shared.
"That's great, actually. Since he's the guy, he should be the one leading the relationship. It's kind of like James and me—our relationship didn't start with the usual courtship, but I'm really grateful because he was the more mature one, and he was the one guiding us. Especially since he was my first boyfriend. I know I was lucky… but I was the complete opposite of him," I said sadly.
"Lui, I know that if you had a choice, if there was any way you could avoid hurting him, you would have. I get you, sis. But you're right—it's hard to tell your heart who to love. At least you set things right before it got even more complicated. And you're brave for owning up to your mistakes," she said.
"I really couldn't believe it when I first heard AC and Sheng's story. Honestly, AC doesn't look like the serious type—who would've thought he'd be so committed in a relationship? He's even more serious than us," I said with a laugh.
"You're not the only one who was shocked. Even we couldn't believe it! He's always been so restless, a prankster, and a troublemaker to Mama and Papa. Who would've thought someone like Kuya would have a long-time girlfriend?" she added, laughing as well.
Before long, I said my goodbyes and headed home. VM was right—AC still hadn't returned. He was definitely at Sheng's place. "Ugh, they're so lucky with their relationship—no issues, no complications."
At home, everyone was busy preparing for Media Noche. Time flies so fast—just recently, we were stressing over exams, then celebrating the Christmas Festival, and now the holiday break is almost over. Soon, I'll see Georje again because I plan to call him when classes resume so we can talk. I'm excited—I just hope it's not too late.
I had avoided him for a long time because I knew seeing him would only confuse me more. That's why I focused on fixing my mistakes first, so that when we finally face each other, I won't have anything holding me back. There's no reason for me to hesitate anymore, no matter what happens during our conversation.
I feel both excited and nervous about returning to the apartment and school. I remember what James told me—to avoid Georje if I see him from afar so we don't run into each other. That made me wonder… "How is he doing? Is he still sad? Did he tell his friends about what happened? How will he welcome the New Year if he's still hurting?"
I can't help but feel guilty and sorry for him. He got hurt because of me. I just hope he finds someone who will love him as much as—or even more than—he can give. He deserves to be happy and to be loved genuinely. He's a good person, and it's such a shame because he showed me nothing but kindness. But that wasn't enough for us to stay in a relationship that started from a mistake. I just couldn't return his feelings.
I'm also preparing myself for the possibility that AC's friends—or even AC himself—might be mad at me for what I did to their friend. I'll accept whatever they have to say to me, no matter how painful it might be, because I know the only reason their friend is hurting is because of me.
It's Saturday, and I've started packing the things I'll bring back to the apartment. Tomorrow, I'll be returning to city life and back to being a student.
I was suddenly called downstairs because someone was looking for me on the landline. I even got scolded for getting a call this late at night. Well, how would I know who was calling and why they chose to call at this hour?
"Hello?" I answered as I placed the phone against my ear.
"Hey, Lui, it's Ali. Georje wants to talk to you. He's here at my house," said the voice on the other end. Ali was my former classmate from elementary and a friend of mine until now.
"Wait, why? Ali, I can't stay on the phone for long—I already got scolded. Can we just talk on Monday instead? I'll be back at the apartment by then anyway," I whispered, since my mother was nearby watching TV with a frown on her face.
"Oh, okay. Sorry about that. I'll tell him we'll talk on Monday then," Ali said softly.
As soon as I put down the phone, I was bombarded with endless interrogations from my mom—plus a bonus lecture. "Ugh, life! I really can't do anything right in this house. If I weren't the one using the phone, she wouldn't be ranting about the phone bill."
"Fine! I get it! I'm the burden to this household. Don't worry—once I graduate, I'll get a job right away, and I won't live here anymore so you won't have to deal with my presence. Ugh, this is exhausting!"
This is exactly why I prefer staying at the apartment or sleeping over at Mitch's place—it's more fun, and no one is constantly looking for faults in everything I do. I feel suffocated in this house. It's like only my younger and older siblings are considered smart and capable. At least my brothers worked hard and now have great lives abroad.
Well, I worked hard too! I just don't know why you can't see it.
The next day, Sunday, I left early before lunchtime so I could finally breathe freely. I had my luggage and duffle bag with me—I looked like I was heading abroad with how much I was carrying. I also took some groceries since no one was home. They had gone out, so I had the freedom to grab canned goods and some frozen food from the fridge. Hehehe. It's fine if they call me selfish—what matters is that I won't go hungry.
My allowance is deposited in my ATM account, so money isn't an issue since my older brother sends me funds monthly. But it's still better to have a stocked pantry to make sure I won't run out of food. Sometimes, I get too lazy to go to the bank to withdraw money, which leads to moments where I struggle because I don't have cash on hand. I also never withdraw large amounts—only what I need—just to be safe. Plus, I don't always carry my ATM card with me because I'm scared, I might lose it.
Traveling alone is tough, especially when there's no one to help me carry my heavy luggage. Unlike last time, when I went home with James, David, and AC, who helped me with my bags. But this is my reality—I'm on my own, and I just have to accept that this is my life.
I didn't think twice about taking a cab to the apartment. If I took a jeepney, I'd only struggle more with my heavy bags.
As soon as I got off in front of our unit's gate, I stretched my arms and sighed, "Thank you, Lord! I finally made it!"
I searched for my keys in the pocket of my backpack to unlock the gate and enter. It was still locked, so I was definitely the first one to arrive among the five of us.
Once inside, I took a moment to rest before unpacking my things. After that, I planned to eat, but there was no need to cook since I had brought ready-to-eat meals that I only needed to heat up. Not to mention the groceries I had taken from home, which I could add to what was already in our apartment's cupboard and fridge.
After lunch, I thought about calling Georje to see if we could meet and talk later in the afternoon if he was free. If not, then maybe tomorrow or the day after. We didn't have any scheduled dance practices unless a sudden invitation came up.
While busy unpacking, I sang along to the music playing from my cassette player—Tina Arena's Not For Sale.
Here we are
Face to face
Who would have ever believed we could
End up in this place
You and I
We've come so far
And darlin' though
You're amazed
That I keep on loving you more everyday
But there's something I want you to know
Even if all my dreams should come true
Even if I should fail
I made you a promise
So don't you worry
This soul is not for sale
Not for sale
You're the one
When it rains
Who I can run to for cover
And comfort from my pain
And bloom like a rose in your sun
I didn't care if I was out of tune—I was alone anyway, and they probably wouldn't arrive until later. VM and AC would likely get back in the evening since they always got dropped off last. As for Yara, she wouldn't be coming until tomorrow morning because she wanted to make the most of the break. She didn't have morning classes anyway—her first subject was after lunch. She had a lighter schedule since she was already graduating, and her OJT was already done.
And we hold on
To what is real
Not willing to sacrifice this love that we feel
'Cause we know where our joy comes from
I didn't get to finish my singing when I noticed the door opening. I immediately stood up to check if my guess was right—that Nika had arrived.
"Lui! Happy New Year! How was your break? I missed you guys," she greeted me as we hugged.
"Happy New Year, sis! I missed you too! Same old," I replied lifelessly. I knew she understood what I meant.
"Well, what's important is that you chose to be happy and that you're happy with what you're doing," she said.
"Absolutely! Anyway, now that you're here, I finally have someone to eat with. I'll just heat up the food, and we can eat together," I told her.
"Sure thing! I'll just put my stuff in my room and change. I'll be quick!" she replied.
We had a lively meal while chatting, and I ended up telling her everything that happened over the Christmas break—including my conversation with James on VM's birthday. I also told her about how I had been avoiding him, just to get it off my chest. I'm so thankful and grateful that Nika understands me. She agreed with my decision to set things right. However, she did say that she wished I had told her sooner, so I wouldn't have had to struggle alone. But I told her it was all in the past now. What mattered most was that I learned my lesson well. I wouldn't do it again—never again. Because, in the end, it also hurt me knowing I had hurt someone else, even if he said there was nothing to apologize for or feel guilty about—that he had wanted it to happen and was prepared for the consequences. No matter how guilty or sorry I felt, it wouldn't change the fact that he had been hurt.
I lay on my bed, staring blankly at the TV, but I wasn't really watching. My mind was elsewhere. I was resting while Nika unpacked her things before we went grocery shopping, and I withdrew some cash. I told her I'd just lie down and wait since I had already finished unpacking earlier.
But I couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened with James and Georje—especially the last things Georje said when we last saw each other. I couldn't go through with my plan to call him today and have a proper conversation, because I couldn't say no to Nika. I needed to make it up to her… to both her and VM, since I had avoided them for so long.