JUDE
"Exhilarating isn't it?" Rex asks when I catch his eye.
"Very. They must be feeling it even before they reach the stage," I wipe my sweaty palm on my slacks.
"dazai puked before he came on stage, something about nerves," Rex chuckles.
I look at Rex, then Miko, unbelieving. "dazai the vocalist?"
"Yeah. I bet you have all sorts of questions you want to ask them," he nods.
"I do but I don't know if I should." I don't want to appear too enthusiastic, or out there. I don't want them to be turned off.
"They will love it, they thrive off the attention," miko tells me more quietly when rex turns to talk to andre and rin.
"They love taking care of their younger brothers, makes them feel superior or something." Only Zein can say that and a smile breaks from my lips as I face forward again.
We aren't supposed to react too strongly, something we were briefed on as we came here. Tonight is all about support and not being a fan, so we have to doctor our reactions because cameras will be all over.
I knew that doctored facial expressions existed in this line of work, I just never thought I would be faced with it now when I haven't even debuted.
So when the lights all go low, signaling the start of the performance, screams deafening-despite my need to stand up and join in on the excitement, I have to sit down, contain it, and express it in the form of a smile, my eyes roving all over and widening once the stage lights up, the whole stadium coming alive.
This is the dream.
My whole body is vibrating, feeling like I am one with them, as they sing, the crowd going crazy. The fan chant making my blood feel like its boiling.
This is my heaven.
I am out of breathe, head turning to look at miko whose eyes are wide, pupils diluted. He turns to look at me and a full grin stretching on his lips.
He leans in. "do you feel it?"
I do. I feel everything. I nod, laughing out loud and zein who is normally nonchalant and cool is hyped as well, his gaze zeroed on in the stage.
I look at my fellow band members and all of them seem to be feeling the same as I feel. This is why we are here. This is what we are all working for. This and more.
My senses all come alive and open up. I can feel the vibrations coming from the ground, Miko's cologne tickling my nose, the warmth of his leg where it's pressed against mine, I can feel the music flowing through me, thrumming in me.
I feel alive.
I never dared dream big of ever performing like this, afraid that I was too small, too mediocre, and too underground to ever be here.
But this, it's strong this desire, this pull I feel towards being the center of such an audience, hear them chant for me, scream for me … feel this high. Be a god in front of all of them.
It's better than sex, it's stronger than being in the arms of all the past lovers. I can feel myself getting hard, imagining it, and feeling it all, as I soak it in.
I want it. I want this and more.
The performance ends, and everyone stands up, clapping and shouting. When I see the others doing it, I shout too, heels raising as I laugh out loud. Someone holds my hand and I look down up to zein who is smiling at me, eyes tearing up. Almost.
Squeezing his hand, I extend my other hand to hold onto Miko's. Our fingers interlink, his smile making my heart race even more than it already is.
We all hold hands, eyes on the stage as our senior brothers exist the stage but the crowd is still going crazy.
A promise. The first contact to feeling our dreams will come true soon. A covenant, as we stand there, holding hands, letting each other in to our own personal excitement and dreams.
We will make it.
We will be up there one day.
Soon it will be our turn.
...
MIKO
I am shaking, grateful that Jude hasn't let go of my hand.
I will never get tired of attending such a concert every time, it feels closer and closer to me. Every time I feel my dream, I can taste it, touch it, and breathe it all in.
One day, I will look at all those lights lighting up for me, for all of us and hear the screams. All eyes will be on us, as we stand tall on the stage, doing what we love the most.
One day the world will know our name and we will be immortal in their memories. In their eyes, even if it's for a few hours.
"woo is asking for us," Rin claps my back, as he smiles at me. We both know how each other feels in this moment.
The first time we went back home after our first ever concert, 13 years old, that's when we knew that we belonged up there.
"Please line up and bow once the picture is taken. Then start making the exit, please don't wander around," woo instructs as one of the stylist who came with us fixes anything that's out of place.
Jude lets go of my hand, and I try not to let the twinge of longing I feel immediately take root. I fix my hair, and my coat before we start making our way to the red carpet.
Our first ever sighting as a full group.
This is where we start.
The camera lights flash on us, no one is calling out our names yet. We arent known so the process is quickly and we are led out under five minutes.
"Wow, I still can't believe that," Andre exhales, touching his chest as we follow Woo to the van.
"I know, it was so exhilarating!" Rex slings his arm around his shoulder. "Soon it will be us there little man. Are you ready to be worshipped?"
"It's not about worship, you fool," Rin flicks Rex at the back of his head. "That's so little. It's about everything you have ever imagined and more." His voice hushes, eyes focus in the distance as if he is seeing something we can't see.
"Hey! You are leaving already?" someone shouts behind and we all turn to see who it is. "leaving without saying hello to your senior brothers is considered rude you know?"
The man of the hour, or part of the man of the day, Teri, the leader of the Chan group walks up to us with a relaxed posture, smiling.
"Teri," Rin bows slightly and the tall guy smiles, his jet black hair brushing on his shoulders. "We didn't know where to find you, everything is so charged so we figured that we would see you at the after-party."
Teri looks at all of us and we slightly bow, before he waves with a smile. "Come on, don't be too formal. We are not strangers to each other."
"Where are the others?" Rex asks coming to stand beside me. He is excited to see a certain someone.
"All headed to the party. I came to join you, they left without me."
"They did? You can come with us, there is lots of room," rin offers, and teri follows him.
"So how was the concert?" he sits directly opposite me and the rest of the guys all fill in, Jude the last which makes him sit next to teri.
"It was so good, I could feel the energy even if I wasn't the one up there!" andre almost shouts, zein giving him a side eye seated next to him.
"It was wonderful; how did you feel when you were performing?" jude asks in that quiet gentle voice of his which pulls teri in immediately.
He doesn't respond for a moment instead looking at jude as if seeing him for the first time. "I felt like god," his eyes search jude's who is looking right back at him innocently. "Time stopped in those minutes, in touch with my greatest love. It gets you so high I am still in the zone."
The whole van is quiet, as if soaking in teri's words, captivated by them yet all I can see is teri slowly getting intrigued by jude right infront of me.
Rin clears his throat breaking the moment between those two. "Your performance was epic. Thank you for inviting us."
"Don't thank me," he smirks, breaking eye contact with Jude. "Thank the company. We are just the performers, they move the pieces." He looks back to judge who is smiling politely.
"What's your name?"
"Jude."
"You're the new guy." Not a question.
"Yeah."
"mn," Teri nods. "Interesting," he winks. "But in a good way."
I shouldn't feel this strong urge to throw teri out of the moving van. It's against everything, I mean why should I feel like that for a guy who wouldn't even consider me in ways I am starting to think of him?
"You okay?" Andre asks me in a whisper.
I am clenching my fit on my lap, looking tense. I shift in my seat, exhaling as I look outside the window. "Yeah."
I am looking outside the window and yet I can't stop seeing teri and jude talking lowly, just the two of them. What are they whispering about? Why is jude smiling?
Is he being polite or is he enjoying his company?
Does he think Teri is being friendly or can he sense the guy subtly flirting with him?
I don't even know him well enough to tell his smiles apart from polite to genuine smiles. Will he let me in to see him and know him enough to tell when he is being performative and when he is being himself?
"I hope you guys are ready to part because this is the only time you will get to drink and be lax with the rules." Teri looks up and just sits back a lingering smile on his pale pink lips.
"We are always ready for a party," Rex is umped as he nods enthusiastically. "We won't let you down."
"It's a chance to meet other groups, make friends, and know the people in the industry as well. It's going to be fun."