MIKO
"No problem sharing your personal space?" it's all I can think of saying as I get under the covers, as I feel his warmth already.
"I love cuddles. Physical touch is my favourite love language."
I am the opposite, but it's different with him. He can never know I was not a fan of physical touch until I met him.
I might be overthinking everything, nervous about nothing because Jude doesn't even blink when he lies on the pillows, inches apart but not touching anywhere, and sighs.
"I think I am still drunk," he murmurs as he picks his nose bridge.
"First time?"
"Did I give it away?"
"Yeah," I can't help but chuckle. He is blushing. "So how come it's your first time? I thought you were a rockster before you came here."
"I wasn't," he shoulder bumps me, smiling.
"No, serious. I thought you would have all these parties and girls all over you. And to think tonight was the first night you got to get drunk."
"Well, you thought wrong," he sighs, sinking deeper into the bed. "I got the invites, yes, but I never really wanted to go. I preferred being indoors and just watching movies."
"So you're an introvert."
"I guess. And about the girls, I had a girlfriend, so I wouldn't do that to her."
Speaking of. "Tell me more about her. Do you miss her?"
The longer the clock ticks and he doesn't speak, the more my stomach sinks.
"I feel awful."
"What? Are you going to puke?" I sit up, ready to get out of bed and get something for him. He stops me.
"No, I am fine. I mean, I feel awful that I don't miss her. I am supposed to, but I don't."
"Oh," I sit back slowly, unsure of what to do.
"We had a peaceful breakup. It felt natural, even like we had known it would happen. As if we had an expiry date and we had just reached it there was no trial or even an invitation to try and work things out."
"Did you love her?"
"I suppose I did. It was simple and easy to love her. The whole relationship was that way too. We rarely ever fought and if we did, we would make up right after. I often wondered if we were together because it was easier."
"I have never been in a relationship. I mean, flings, yeah and the closest I came to being in a relationship was when I was seeing this person for two months. I wish I understood what you felt right now."
"Is it because you haven't found the right one?"
"Yes. But is there a right one? I believe it's about the person who makes you feel the most. That there is too much that you feel, the good, of course and they make you wonder and imagine what it would be like to be with them, be loved by them. To be theirs."
Jude hums, his head falling on my shoulder. "I have never felt that way before. A part of me knew that even though I loved her, I wasn't in love with her. I have always felt like there is this deeper, greater, grander love out there that I am meant to live out.
"A love so deep it aches but soothes at the same time. So intense I am breathless too. I felt guilty thinking that, and anytime I would find myself wondering, I would stop because that could just be my imagination, nothing much."
I can't help but smile, my head leaning on his. "So you are a dreamer."
"You could say that," he chuckles.
"Doesn't that scare you, though? That kind of love?" My heart is hammering in my chest. I hope he doesn't hear it.
"It does. But that's how I know it's the real deal. Something that will make me write music, poems, and live out my life like I am in the movies. To have someone, my special person meant for me in the whole world, with me and just for me.
"It makes me want to meet them, be with them, live life with them. Just be, me and them."
I shouldn't be jealous of this mysterious lover, this perfect person meant for him but I am. Hearing him describe a world with this person, how he already sounds like he is in love with the idea of them … yeah, I am jealous.
"I haven't known you for long, but I already know that if there is someone who is going to get that, it's you."
He raises his head to look at me. "What about you?"
"What about me?" Our faces are inches apart. I can see the tell-tale signs that he is still drunk. Perhaps that's the reason why he is looking at me like this.
"Don't you want to be in a relationship one day?"
"I do. But only with my person, no one else." I don't look away, even as I say it. I believe Jude angel silvers, the drunk boy in my bed, inches away from me is my person. It might be too early, some might say.
But I know. If you know, you know, and this, I know.
He smiles, head back on my shoulder. "I am already jealous of them, you are so perfect and the most amazing person. She is going to be so lucky."
"…" she?
I am about to clarify, but as I move, his head rolls on the pillow. He is fast asleep.
I switch off the TV, switch off the lights, and settle next to him as slowly and gently as I can. I don't think I can sleep next to him, I mean I shouldn't.
I should …
Jude rolls on his side, facing me, hands over my chest, and snuggles into me.
I never said I was perfect. Sighing, I pull him closer, cherishing him in this moment that feels almost stolen.
Is he going to wake up and realize that I was talking about him? Will he look at me differently or is he not going to remember any of this?
Why am I heart breaking myself up about tomorrow's dilemma?