Malthus Theorem. The Red Man. The walking apocalypse. Right now, I was pinned under his right leg while the Alien King, Sexis, dangled in a chokehold from his left hand.
And if that wasn't bad enough, my ADHD ass couldn't resist throwing a dad joke his way. The result? Malthus pressed down harder.
Honestly, that's on me. But speaking of dad jokes, I just remembered another:
A man is washing his car with his son.
After a while, the boy asks, "Dad, why can't you just use a sponge?"
…
Anyway, back to my impending death. If I don't do something, there's going to be a hole in my chest, the exact shape of this bastard's foot. And I don't want that. People might get the wrong idea about my hobbies.
I glanced at the Heroes behind me. They were hurriedly looking left and right.
How sweet. They must be looking for a way to save me. I'm flattered that they don't want me to get flattered—literally.
Except… Why wasn't Erect doing the same? He just stood there, eyes locked on Malthus.
"I can't find anything!" one hero called out.
"Me neither! But there has to be something!" another added.
"Yeah, someone must have made something like that," a third chimed in.
Wait… what exactly were they looking for?
I cleared my throat. "Everyone, there's no need to search for a way to save me. I'll be fine. Your concern means a lot."
Silence.
Every hero snapped their heads toward me, frowning.
"Huh?"
That huh was perfectly synchronized. Almost impressive.
"…What? You were trying to save me, right?" I asked, suddenly unsure.
"Wha—no! We're not idiots!" one of them snapped. "We're looking for a basement!"
"…A basement?"
"Yes! You, our supposedly almighty King, are currently getting stepped on! If you are struggling, we're all going to die the moment he swings his dick in our direction! Our only hope is to hide."
"You little shi—" I paused. "…Actually, you make a fair point."
"Exactly! And besides, you said you could save yourself," Yamete reminded me.
I sighed.
At least Erect wasn't like them. He was the only one who didn't run off looking for a—
"Thanks, Erect, for standing by me," I said.
Erect frowned. "Huh?"
Not you too, man.
"Why are you 'huh'-ing?" I asked.
Erect straightened like a soldier. "It was me who ordered them to find a basement, my lord. I also don't want to die via dick."
Da fuck?
I need new subordinates. Supreme Man, please send me a fresh batch. These ones are past their expiration date.
[ Forget them. First, get out of there. You can't die like this! ]
Right, right. I exhaled and turned back to the heroes.
"You won't find any basements or bunkers," I informed them. "If there were one, I'd have found it first and stashed some children inside."
The heroes' shoulders slumped.
And then, from above:
"You would have done what with children?" Sexis croaked.
"Relax, I was kidding. And you're in a chokehold—you shouldn't be talking."
"As if you're any better."
"True."
Malthus, evidently fed up, roared, "STOP YOUR JOKES! I AM YOUR DEATH!"
His spit rained down on us.
I wrinkled my nose.
Sexis, however, stuck out his tongue and licked his own face clean.
This guy gets off on weird things, I swear.
Annoyed, Malthus tightened his grip on Sexis' throat and pressed his foot harder against my chest.
Okay, now it is getting bad.
This guy came here expecting an action-packed battle. He came to the wrong universe. This is a slice-of-life setting, for fuck's sake.
Sexis, despite everything, declared, "What… shall we do now? We must confront him immediately—there is no alternative. Certain doom awaits us unless we steel ourselves for battle! We have to get serious!"
I stared at him.
"Dude. You just licked his spit a few moments ago, and now you want me to be serious?"
"That was merely a personal preference of mine and has no bearing on the overall situation. We must break free from his grasp."
"Can't you do something?" I asked.
Sexis gasped. "No… My breath is already failing me. I am struggling to articulate even the simplest of words. I cannot even utter a term as simple as sesquipedalian—my favorite word. I remain uncertain of my own abilities, leaving me unsure of what to rely upon at this moment. I fear my windpipe has sustained damage, rendering my speech feeble and broken. I am on the verge of perishing. I yearn to speak, yet I am unable. I long to form even a single word. I desperately wish to speak—"
…
Silence.
Malthus, Erect, the heroes, and I all paused.
Our collective gaze turned to Sexis.
Malthus broke the silence first. "…That was you not being able to speak?"
"I would need a PhD to understand all of that," Erect muttered.
"He spoke that much while struggling. How much does he talk when he's fine?" Yamete wondered aloud.
"He is a sign language interpreter's worst nightmare," I added.
Sexis flailed his legs. "Enough of this—take action, Racis! You alone possess the means to alter our fate. We must escape this hold at once!"
"I know! I'm also starting to feel a little pain."
"Then do it—utilize whatever you must! If this persists, he will break my neck. You cannot hope to vanquish him alone; you will require my aid. I must not perish!"
Sexis was really putting his whole soul into begging me to save him.
If I left him like this a little longer, he might even offer me a one-night stand. And if I don't meet any girls soon, I might accept.
But I wasn't worried. I already knew how this would play out.
One thing I was good at naturally, is to keep track of time.
I smiled. "Relax, Sexis. Something will happen."
"When!?" he barked.
"In five seconds."
Everyone frowned.
"Five."
Malthus waited.
"Four."
Sexis waited.
"Three."
Erect waited.
"Two."
You waited.
And finally, the wait was over.
"One."
Then—
BRINNNGGG!
BRINNNGGG!
BRINNNGGG!
VRINNNGGG!
The ground trembled.
The Supreme Man was finally about to meet the Hero King he had been waiting for.
…Probably.