Sexis betrayed me so I betrayed him harder.
But you know I once wrote a joke about betrayal. I performed it in one of my shows. It goes like :
'When my wife left me, I felt sad, lonely, and betrayed.
But then I got a dog, bought a motorcycle that I'd been looking at for weeks, and had sex with my neighbor for whom I always had a hard-on. Life started looking up, but then I realized that my wife would probably be really pissed when she comes home from work.'
…
Anyhow, after my declaration that Sexis was the Hero King, he threw a deathly glare at me.
"What are you doing?" He barked.
I shrugged. "The same thing as you."
"But you betrayed me first!"
"I didn't. I just pointed at you for no reason. Completely random hand movement. It's your fault you took it seriously and made me the Alien King."
Sexis groaned. "Ahngh. Fine. Then I also randomly called you the Alien King."
"Great. Now we are even."
"You… You… I will.."
"What? Can't find words? Pretty shameful for someone who gets off from a dictionary, if you ask me."
Sexis twitched, then inhaled deep. And then :
"You… deplorable ignoramus, detestable miscreant, loathsome aberration, wretched parasite, brazen disgrace, insufferable buffoon, abhorrent blight upon existence, grotesque harlequin, execrable fiend, unholy affront to all that is decent!"
I blinked. "Damn. I'd be offended if I actually knew what half of that meant. My Duolingo just translated all that to Blah blah."
Sexis clutched his antennas like he was about to rip them off. "Ungh… I shall erase you from existence. Let us clash—your very fate is sealed, and I shall personally deliver your obliteration."
"Bro, there is a red man here. We are one second away from dying, and you're out here playing Shakespeare's Angry Stepchild."
"I don't give a fuck about the red man. I wil-"
"Enough!" The red man shouted. He brought back the attention to himself.
And we shut our mouths.
Sexis' anger was justified but my anger was too. As they say : tit for tat, bitch.
THUP!
The red man leapt down from the concrete wall, landing before us with an impact that shook the ground.
The Heroes behind us immediately stepped back.
Erect did the same.
Don't leave me, dude. What happened to always staying by my side as my right hand?
Erect must have felt my desperation as he talked through his mind :
'I am not leaving you, my lord. I am just ensuring no one attacks you from behind.'
'What kind of logic is that? I will die from the front first!'
'Front is your responsibility. I am responsible for stopping the back shots. Remember? I always do my duty with diligence. Good luck. Now let me focus. I got your back.'
This bitch. He is just scared to stand near this man. But I can't blame him. And not the other Heroes too. I wouldn't want to stand near him either.
The red man, now standing just a few feet away, towered over me. I barely reached his chest. And, oh—he had some tiny nipples for such a massive body. Guess you can't have it all.
Meanwhile, Sexis, being much taller, was at eye level with him. His antennas and the red man's horns were practically the same length. No wonder this guy saw me as the weird one.
But none of that mattered now. What mattered was what he would do next.
If he starts attacking will I get enough time to react and grab my sword? Or will I just die by a wave of his finger?
My palms were sweating. My heartbeat pounded in my ears.
The red man's gaze flickered between Sexis and me. Back and forth, like he was watching a tennis match. Then finally, his eyes settled on Sexis.
Sexis stared back, unmoving. One might mistake it for bravery, but I knew the truth—he was too scared to look away.
Seeing Sexis acting like that, the red man smiled.
"So you don't give a fuck about me, eh?"
Hmm?
Oh. Yes. Sexis had said it while arguing with me. His anger made him say 'fuck the red man'. Welp, let's see who gets fucked now.
Sexis pointed at himself, face filled with innocent panic. "Me? No, no. I would never utter such crude words, good sir. Such vulgarity is entirely absent from my refined lexicon. Why, I stand before you clad in a three-piece suit—an embodiment of decorum itself. To even suggest that I would resort to such language is an affront to my very being!"
Your suit has nothing to do with that. If anything, wearing it in broad daylight under such hot weather is only highlighting that you surely could do weird things.
The red man scoffed. "No, don't lie. I'm sure this Alien King is right. You must be the one who told that God to call me Red Bitch."
Everything he said there, is a lie. But sure, keep going, red man. Though, I am surprised the red man understood Sexis' language.
Sexis gasped. "All of that is a lie! I would never degrade myself by uttering such profanities."
The red man waved him off. "Enough. Someone who could badmouth me surely must be a king. And if I just kill both of you, this planet will be mine."
I see. He just wants our deaths. I don't even wanna correct him anymore. For him, I am the Alien King and Sexis is the Hero King. And we both were equally screwed.
Still, there was one thing I needed to know.
I swallowed my nerves and asked, "What's your name?"
I'm tired of calling him 'the red man.'
The red man—dammit, I did it again—glanced at me and finally answered, "Malthus Theorem. People call me Home Invader."
I don't doubt that.
Though, it's been a while since I heard a normal name.
I wanted to ask something else, but I knew when to shut up. Sexis, however, didn't.
"What is it about this planet that so profoundly entices you, esteemed trespasser?"
Good. I was curious about that too.
Malthus grinned. "Are you asking why I invaded this planet with just ten percent of my army?"
Wait, what?
Those people were just ten percent of his full army? Then how many more people he has under his full army? I should start a condom business on his planet. I would be rich in no time.
"Yes," Sexis pressed. "Why did you invade this planet?"
Malthus grinned. "Because I can."
…
Yep.
Totally understandable. Nothing wrong with that at all. It's not like planetary invasion requires a better excuse or anything.
Sexis glanced at me, slightly raised his shoulders.
I know, bro. Can't do anything about it if that's his answer.
"So… now what?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
Malthus grinned wider. "Now you both die."
Thought so.
My stats were On. The fight was just around the corner now.
Sexis also cracked his scythe fists but turned out, all of our preparations were meaningless.
Mostly because…
WHISH!
Malthus moved his right hand like a flash and the next thing I saw, he had Sexis on a chokehold.
My eyes widened and I also tried to move my hand like a flash towards my sword on my back but…
THUMP!
Malthus just raised his leg and before I knew it, I was pinned on the ground, under his feet.
"Say your last words." He commanded, looking down on me.
Should I say it? He will get angry I am sure. I shouldn't do that.
"Say your last words!" He was angry anyway.
"Just say your last words!" He snapped and I said it :
"Your last words!"
…
He stared at me.
Then at Sexis.
Then back at me.
"Was that a joke?"
"It was."
"...Are you serious?"
"No. I am Racis."
"But I am serious!"
"Hi, Sirius. I am dad."
"No." Malthus pushed his leg deeper on my chest. "You are dead."
Makes sense.