If you asked Marissa Thorne what her top five worst ideas were, agreeing to a fake marriage with a magic-prone, emotionally chaotic sorcerer would usually take the top spot.
But as she stood at the base of the Enchanted Cliffside Spa and Couples Retreat, holding a suitcase that wouldn't stop humming romantic ballads, she realized this might be a new record.
"A couples retreat?" she said, scanning the floating pamphlet. "Council-mandated. Love-affirming. Emotional-purity certified. Sounds like we're walking into a cult."
Felix grinned as he spun their heart-shaped room key around his finger. "Sounds like a hot tub and an alibi to me."
"We barely survived the last audit," Marissa hissed, eyeing the other magical couples already gathering around the reception kiosk. "Now we're voluntarily submitting ourselves to a weekend of mandatory affection under magical surveillance?"
"Relax. These things are mostly trust falls and moonlight spa dips. Worst case? We fake a few emotions and eat complimentary scones."
"I'm allergic to trust falls."
"You're allergic to vulnerability," he said.
"I'm allergic to magical manipulation," she corrected, watching the receptionist hand a couple a wand labeled "Compliment Stick."
Felix just smiled and nudged her suitcase along. "Come on, Mrs. Thorne. Let's earn ourselves a marital tax deduction."
---
The retreat grounds were absurd.
The cliffs glowed with ambient love-magic. The trees had mistletoe hanging year-round. The air tasted like cinnamon and closure. There were levitating cuddle-pods, a conflict-resolution cave, and enchanted squirrels that whispered, "Communicate your needs."
Marissa checked their room schedule.
"Ugh. We have a 7 p.m. session tonight: 'Deep Dive in the Pool of Mutual Acknowledgment.'"
Felix poked at the fine print. "Clothing optional."
Marissa stared at him. "I will kill you with a legally sound argument and a towel."
---
Their cabin was charming in a cursed-cottagecore kind of way. There were photos on the walls that shifted to reflect the "current emotional climate," which meant that within five minutes of arrival, one photo showed Felix with his arms wide open and another showed Marissa holding up a sign that read, "Resentment Level: Moderate."
"This place is invasive," Marissa muttered.
Felix flopped onto the love-shaped bed. "This place is free breakfast and zero phone signal. You're just mad because you can't Google your way through your feelings."
She ignored him. "We need a strategy."
"For the bed?"
"For the retreat! If we slip up even once, they'll know we're faking it."
Felix blinked. "We're not faking it anymore."
She froze. "Excuse me?"
"I mean," he said, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck, "it's been... blurring. Since the audit. Since the kiss. Since the... everything."
"We agreed not to talk about the kiss," she said quickly.
He stood. "You agreed. I was busy trying to remember how to breathe."
There was a long pause.
Then the painting above the fireplace burst into flames and reassembled itself into a heart.
"Ugh," Marissa said, turning away. "This place is emotionally weaponized."
---
Session One: Candlelight Confessions
They were ushered into a circular room lined with velvet cushions, dim lighting, and floating candles that flickered whenever someone told a half-truth.
Couples sat across from each other, hands clasped, staring soulfully into one another's eyes.
Felix squeezed her fingers. "Try not to set the room on fire."
A counselor floated in on a magic carpet, holding a clipboard and a very large mug of something that smelled like herbal regret.
"Let's begin with trust," she intoned.
Marissa rolled her eyes so hard it echoed.
When it was their turn, the counselor asked, "What is something you've never admitted to your partner?"
Felix hesitated. Then said, "I once spelled your coffee to taste better because I thought you deserved nice things."
Marissa blinked.
The candles glowed blue—truth.
The counselor nodded. "And you?"
Marissa glanced at Felix. Then said, "I... sometimes pretend to be annoyed by you when really I'm terrified of how much I enjoy being around you."
Every candle flared.
Felix's face went slack.
The entire room turned to stare.
The counselor sipped her tea. "Well. That's a breakthrough."
---
That night, they didn't talk.
They lay in the same bed, backs turned, breathing in sync.
The room was filled with quiet magic. The window showed shooting stars. The painting above the bed whispered, "Don't mess this up."
---
Day Two: Accidental Honesty and an Illegal Potion
Breakfast was awkward. Felix tried to make a joke about the yogurt tasting like vulnerability. Marissa threw a croissant at his face.
That's when the retreat coordinator, Lavender, burst in.
She looked frazzled, hair smoking slightly, clipboard sparking.
"Attention, couples! Someone has tampered with the Truth Serum Dispenser!"
Felix dropped his spoon. "There was serum in the orange juice?"
Lavender nodded gravely. "Someone enhanced it. Everyone in session hall 3 is confessing their deepest regrets at once. There's crying. Someone proposed to their ex by accident. A cat's soul has been released from purgatory."
Marissa raised an eyebrow. "And?"
Lavender leaned in. "We think this was sabotage. And your cabin was the only one not affected."
Marissa's lawyer senses tingled. "Are we suspects?"
Lavender hesitated. "You are a statistically inconsistent romantic outlier pair."
Marissa stood. "We demand an official investigation. Preferably one with subpoenas."
Felix sighed. "Here we go."
---
Investigation or Instigation?
Over the next few hours, Marissa and Felix were questioned, observed, and magically scanned for potion residue. They passed everything.
Still, it was clear—someone wanted their marriage under scrutiny again.
When Marissa finally got a moment to herself, she took a walk through the charm gardens.
And that's where she found Nerissa.
Leaning against a heart-shaped bench. Polishing her wand. Looking radiant and venomous as ever.
"You," Marissa said flatly.
Nerissa smiled. "Miss me?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Couples retreat. Didn't say it had to be functional couples."
Marissa crossed her arms. "Are you following us?"
Nerissa shrugged. "I merely reported the marriage irregularities. The Council reopened the audit. They're sending someone."
"You really think sabotaging Felix's life will win him back?"
Nerissa's smile faded. "I don't want him back. I want him to know what he lost."
Marissa didn't reply.
Nerissa stepped closer. "You're not a match, Marissa. You're a placeholder."
"You're jealous."
"I'm prophetic."
Then she vanished, leaving behind a rose that turned into ash.
---
Marissa didn't tell Felix about the encounter.
She couldn't.
Not yet.
Because if she did, it meant acknowledging something she wasn't ready to admit: that this fake marriage had become the most real thing in her life.
And it terrified her.
---
Session Three: The "Love Gauntlet"
They had to hold hands, navigate an obstacle course made of levitating rocks, illusion spells, and metaphorical relationship hurdles.
"Watch out for the 'What If We Break Up' platform!" Felix yelled as they leapt.
"I'm more concerned about the 'Lies We Tell Ourselves' pit!"
They barely made it through. Marissa twisted her ankle. Felix sprouted emotional wings for 45 seconds. A squirrel gave them a perfect 10.
In the end, they reached the finish line breathless and tangled together.
They landed in a pile of glitter confetti and real feelings.
And that's when Marissa looked at him and said, "This is the worst plan I've ever had."
And he said, "It's the only one I never want to end."
---
Back at the Cabin
They curled up on the balcony.
Felix draped a blanket around her shoulders.
"I know we started this as a loophole," he said.
"But?"
"But now I can't stop looking for reasons to keep it real."
She rested her head against him.
And for once, she didn't argue.
---
The next morning, they received the official summons:
> You are to appear before the Magical Marriage Council for Re-Audit. Evidence has been presented challenging the authenticity of your union.
> Testimony Source: Nerissa Flamestrike.
Marissa dropped the letter.
Felix picked it up, read it, and turned pale.
"So... what now?" he asked.
Marissa's voice was steady.
"Now? We fight."