My past isn't like the past of a main character in fantasy novels.
I wasn't bullied, had good parents, had good friends, and moreover, I had a girlfriend.
See… it's not like the tragic past of a main character in a fantasy novel… it's a happy past until…
I made that mistake.
A mistake that I don't want to recall.
A mistake that makes me question my existence.
A mistake that makes me regret my decisions.
A mistake that I wish I never made.
...
A mistake of writing novels.
***
[ YOU HAVE KILLED 89/100 HUMANS ]
[ TIME REMAINING - 03:45:23 ]
She kept walking straight in a direction while hiding her face with her white and black cloak.
It was a beautiful cloak with beautiful designs on it.
She thought… Only 11 people remain… But it's getting harder to find people now since everyone has started hiding.
Maybe they have heard about me.
Hisss! Hisssss!
She stopped moving. This voice came from behind.
A spider...? Wait, it's a big one.
She looked back at the spider… it was the spider I fought against before. A spider… huh… it doesn't count as a human, but…
She smirked.
Fwoosh! Shing!
A dagger teleported into her right hand.
She made the attacking stance with the dagger.
"How about I test this dagger against this insect…"
***
My eyes were open. I was still. I was standing. I was lost in my thoughts.
Thoughts of my pa… Thoughts of recalling the mi… Thoughts of sitting al… Thoughts of my girlfriend ch… Thoughts of my parents ab… Thoughts of my friends t…
I was rethinking my whole life.
...
Or in other words, someone was making me recall my past.
That someone can be none other than...
The Void.
Sometimes… filled with thoughts. Sometimes… filled with emptiness.
"Hong, climb faster! We're waiting for you!"
"Hong, faster."
"You can do it, Hong!"
"I can't do it! My hands hurt."
"Bwah, Hong, come on!"
A memory hit me… where I went mountain climbing with my friends. I almost fell off the mountain back then.
I was looking at my past… at my child form.
Looking at his friends… with joy… with happiness that they were with him.
I wish it could have stayed like this forever…
This memory started fading away...
I was still… not knowing what would come next.
Splash!
I then found myself underwater… Drowning in it.
Blub…blub…
My eyes were completely dead… I wasn't paying attention to the water…
I drowned… more… more… More…
Blub…blub…
Who am I? What's my purpose? How did I end up like this? Wasn't I in the presence of the Void?
Just what in the world happened there?
The darkness crept more and more as I drowned into the deepness of the ocean.
Blub…blub…
Until I couldn't see anything…
...
What's happening? Will this continue forever? Is this the work of The Void? Was he able to control memories?
Did I create a monster who can use our memories to corrupt us?
Just how can I be this stupid?
[ YOUR SOUL WILL BECOME CORRUPT AT THIS RATE ]
Can't do anything… huh?
In the blink of an eye… I was standing in the darkness. I looked down.
Can't see.
I looked right.
Can't see.
I looked left.
Can't see.
I looked straight.
Can't see.
I looked up.
Can't see.
...
Can't see… Can't see… Can't see… Can't see…
I don't even know if I'm facing straight… down… left… right… up… or whatever.
I want to see the light.
I want… I want… I want…
Light… In my life.
Can you provide that light?
The Void.
Of course not… you can't do that.
I was lying in the waste scattered around and a dustbin was lying on me.
You can't, right? Hey! Answer me! You can't! I'm telling you… you can't do that!! Right?
The Void.
I was 14 back then… I was going home… some… Some high school kids showed up in front of me.
Asking me for money.
To take their girlfriends to the motel.
...
This is the worst memory that I want to forget… I tried to get it out of my brain multiple times… But it always comes back…
Can a past like this actually be forgotten?
Of course not.
...
I told them that I didn't have money. They got angry…
They… grabbed my shirt's collar and forcefully dragged me into a narrow alley.
I remember them saying "Hey!" "Don't mess with us" "You'll regret it," words like these.
I only remember this memory in fragments, so why am I seeing this?
... They punched me… kicked me… made me eat a burger that was rotting in the dustbin… dragged my face into the dustbin… Into the gutter…
I was screaming the whole time…
"STOP" "PLEASE STOP" "I'M SORRY" "I WON'T MESS WITH YOU" "I REALLY DON'T HAVE MONEY" "DON'T DO THIS" "DON'T MAKE MY CLOTHES DIRTY… MY MOM IS SICK" "PLEASE" "please…"
Stop, please…
Let me go… to my mom…
My eyes widened.
That's right… my mom was sick! I was going to see her… I was on my way to the hospital…
I was beaten up mercilessly…
They threw me in the garbage… then threw the whole trash can on me…
I was crying in pain… a lot of pain.
They took some photos of me… maybe they made memes of it or circulated them throughout their friend groups…
This was the first time when I was bullied.
My clothes were torn… Garbage was sticking to my body… my face… several injuries…
I looked like a beggar.
I was looking at my memory… Desperately.
Hmm. My past started worsening from here.
I got up… and started walking towards Han River.
Han River was close, so I decided to wash myself before going to see my mother.
I was struggling to walk… the pain in my legs increased with each step.
Tears were dropping from my memory self.
...
A tear dropped from my eye… I was crying because I saw my struggle in the past…
You suffered a lot, didn't you? Kang Hong.
I did.
You had every reason to turn evil… Then why didn't you turn evil?
What are you talking about?
I looked at myself who was questioning me.
I turned evil, didn't I? Wasn't killing my characters evil?
My other self, which was questioning me, smirked.
You really are a psychopath.
I focused my eyes on the memory of myself.
I washed myself and got up.
"Time to see Mom!"
There was a strange smile on my face. Maybe it was because I was visiting my mom.
I was crying the whole time due to the pain but now I was feeling happy because I was going to meet my mom.
I wish she ne—
I walked in pain… towards the hospital. The pain I was feeling was visible on my face… a lot of pain.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Why am I remembering these things now?
I can't… I can't bear watching a kid struggling so much just to… meet his mom.
What am I talking about? It's me when I was 14. It's me who was struggling.
The kid reached the hospital… Hospital room.
He opened the door… I was standing right behind him…
My heart was beating fast… because I was meeting my mom…
It's been so long since I saw her.
The door opened.
"Ah… Hong, were you in a fight again?"
This voice.
Tears started dropping from my eyes as I heard the voice of my mom after a long time.
It's been 6 years… it's been 6 years since I heard your voice… Mom.
My 14-year-old self ran towards my mom and hugged her. "It's not like that! They started beating me out of nowhere.."
My 14-year-old self started crying.
"I.. I."
I hugged my mom harder.
"I... Missed you so much.. Mom.. Don't leave me.. Don't leave me. Don't leave me... Mom.. I can't live without you.. Don't leave me alone.. mom.. it's scary without you."
My mom collapsed while I was on a trip organized by my school.
I couldn't come back then, but 5 days later, I rushed towards the hospital.
I really missed her.
My mom caressed my head.
"Don't worry, Hong. You are my little guardian.. nothing would happen to me until I've you. I won't leave you.. Hong."
I was a total mommy's boy back then.
"I.. I told you to stop treating me like a kid. I've grown up."
"Ara.. then why was my crybaby crying so much right now?"
"That was because I was worried about you, Mom!"
"Hahaaha.. yeah yeah."
I wish it could stay like this forever.
"Now then we'll re—"
[ Enjoying your little memory? How about you do what you were screaming about? ]
A presence of a higher being.
〆 Even light feels cruel when it shines on memories you want to forget.
— Coffee Shirone