Just a moment before my fingertip touched the sun the room went black.
i was back at where i just woke up laying on my back looking at the dingling little bulb of light above me. my mind felt hazy… -my eyes kept closing ,i felt like i was sea sick the room kept spinning ,i didn't know whatever the light bulb was moving or me ,struggling to look around ,this time i could move my body right away so i putted my hands to the right side putting pressure , lifting myself up. half expecting to see the same peeling grey wall. Instead i saw, a mirror? i saw myself staring at myself, but… it didn't feel like myself… you know those times when you look at yourself… and can't recognize yourself at all? this is exactly this moment. I think it was one of my most scaring moments in life.just looking at yourself but not quite. feeling so disconnected.
I felt i couldn't look away, I felt if I did, she would come.the air was so cold it was chilling. You could cut it in half.
she was just looking at me, blank expression i couldn't see a shard of humanity in her face.
I blinked.
{get up}
I could hear a faint voice trying to shout ,i swear i saw her hands move.
I blinked again.
{get up}
i still couldn't quite get what that voice tried to say, she looked like she closer
scared to close my eyes this time , i kept them open for as long asi could but. i had to!.
I BLINKED.
{GET UP}
I opened my eyes.This time the door was in front of me , my hand a millimeter away from the sun like nothing happened.
{what just happened?} I got goosebumps, cold sweat breaking in.
i swear i could hear my heart leaping out of my chest. I bet if people were near me they would hear it too.
the moment that thought crossed my mind {people…} {i can't… I can't turn around…}
{I CAN'T LOOK} tears started to well up my eyes. I was scared.very scared.
{what do i do} i kept repeating the same question over and over {WHAT DO I DO}
still rooted in place, my hand still reaching for the sun barely touching. with tears streaming down my eyes by now ,my mouth kept shaking {I NEED TO, I HAVE TOO}.
I turned around screaming "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH}".
my hands went swinging into air , i blinked once,twice "nothing … there's… nothing."
i let a out breath i didn't know i was holding , collapsing to the floor. Now on my knees i looked around the same "old" room. One i was suddenly thankful i was there.
The same "old" room ,the peeling paint grey walls, that fucking dim light bulb staying in place and those black tile floors which my hands were now basically trying to gripple, feeling the need to touch something .anything.
{i was back} tears landing on the floor below me , i took breaths.
breathing in and out slowly repeating the process. my eyes slowly dried out, my heart got quiet the only thing i couldn't stop was shaking. feeling so powerless… I really just …wanted to shut my eyes.
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18.09.XXXX
"Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday To Youuu" awaken by the sound of my mom singing
"Arghh" is the sound I let out.
"Rise and shine Blue! Come on" My dad pulled my covers off me "Let me Sleep In Peace pleaseee" gripping my pillow harder ,like someone would steal it away. my eyes still shut ,
"Come on blue it's not everyday you turn 22!" I heard my dad's voice saying cheerful as always. "Come on, blow on the candles quickly!" peeking at my mom i saw she was holding a birthday cake with candles on it, sighing i sat up and blew up the candles.*POP * I jumped and then i felt little pieces of paper falling all over myself and my bed ,lifting my hands to the sides and opening my palms to catch them.It was confetti, I felt myself smiling "Yah yah thanks." such a warm feeling.
"what did you wish for? wait don't tell me" my dad face scrunch up , i laughed .
"well what are you waiting for come on!" he added , i stood up " Okey Okey let me get ready!"
i always loved that my family had such a closed bond it's… precious. After we celebrated, it was already noon , we did the usual pancakes breakfast with maple syrup. They wouldn't stop showing me my embarrassing moments in photos , like the time ed "accidently" pushed me to the lake fully clothed. with my phone.of course he had done all sort of those "accidents" since we were kids. Our parents were childhood friends so are we, which I fully want to continue because, if i suffer why wouldn't them <3.
and so since it was noon and there was no school or work today ,i'll go rest before i know my friends would drag me to a party in the evening ,gotta stay sharp!
Peace out -May
—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------but not here. I need to get out of here.{ NOW}.