"Mphhh! Mphh—I ca—mphhh! I can't breathe!" I tried to protest, but my face was completely buried in Lexi's huge chest.
This so-called "hut" was nothing more than a three-stick structure barely holding itself together, and in this cramped space, there was zero room to move. My entire body was practically clinging to hers.
Well… I guess it's not that bad.
With my arms wrapped around her for support, I could feel her warmth against me.
Wow… what a pleasant hut-living experience.
"Ahh… the night wind is so cold," I muttered, shivering dramatically. "Miss Lexi… I'm feeling a bit chilly. Can you warm me up?"
Lexi gasped, her eyes widening. "Oh my my, what should I do?" she said in an overly dramatic tone before smirking.
Before I could react, she grabbed my hands and pressed them against her warm, soft body, pulling me even closer.
"Hehe," I chuckled internally. This… isn't bad at all.
Just as things were getting cozy and—ahm—comfortable, a sudden hooting and groaning echoed from outside.
Midnight had arrived.
A group of villagers rushed toward our cramped little hut, their faces filled with urgency.
"Lady Lexi!" one of them called out. "The demons have come! They're attacking our farms!"
Lexi sighed, stretching lazily. "Ahh, just when it was getting nice in here," she pouted before turning to me with a smug grin. "Come on, Ryuk! Time to show them why I keep flexing you~!"
No, woman! Stop hyping me up!!
Why does this woman think it's perfectly fine to let a three-year-old handle demons alone in the middle of the night?!
Lexi gave me a teasing smile, nudging me forward. "Come on, Ryuk~ This is nothing for you, right?"
I sighed, cracking my knuckles. Fine. The faster I finish this, the faster I get back to that warm, comfy, uh—totally normal, non-sinful clinging session.
Using mana flow sensing, I pinpointed the demons lurking in the fields. Just a bunch of E and D-rank rabbit demons, slightly larger and faster than regular ones, probably munching away on the crops.
"Alright, you veggie-thieving furballs," I muttered, summoning my mana. "Let's make this quick."
I gathered my Water and Light Magic Arrows—a spell Mom had drilled into me in both of my lives—and fired them all at once.
With just a fraction of a second, the arrows shot through the air, each one striking its target with perfect accuracy.
And just like that… it was over.
I blinked. That's it?
The rabbit demons lay motionless, the farm safe once again.
"That was barely even a warm-up," I muttered. "This was the big midnight demon attack? Tch, what a letdown."
With a stretch, I turned to head back, already looking forward to reclaiming my cozy, clingy spot in Lexi's arms.
The villagers murmured in awe.
"Whoaa! This kid really did take down those demons like it was nothing!"
Lexi smirked proudly. "My my, Ryuk, you're such a talented boy! No less than my student!"
I was already walking back to her, looking forward to getting back to my warm and cozy spot, when—
ROAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
A loud, guttural roar erupted behind me.
The villagers' happy, relieved faces instantly turned pale—like they had just seen a ghost.
I turned around, ready for whatever was coming… and—
It was a bear.
Wait. A bear? In a village? Not even a forest—just right here in the middle of the fields??
I blinked. What the hell is a bear doing here?
Before I could even bother using actual magic, I raised my hand, ready to just shoo it away with some simple rock magic.
But before I even cast a spell—
THUD!
The bear collapsed to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
…Huh?
Lexi walked up to me, her usual teasing smirk replaced with mild concern.
"My my, Ryuk, are you okay?"
I sighed. "Yeah, just a bear collapsing like some dying villain in a novel."
I cast a fireball merged with wind magic, letting it hover in the air and light up the area.
And there it was—the bear.
Except…
It was skinny.
Like, stick-thin.
What the hell? How did this thing even roar?? No—how is this thing even alive!??
Lexi knelt beside it, placing a gentle hand on its head.
"My my, what a poor bear," she murmured, before casting nature magic to heal it.
Lexi tilted her head, frowning. "Eh? It's not working?"
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "No, Lexi… It's not an injury. This bear doesn't need healing—it needs food."
Seriously, does everything in this village have to be on the verge of death!?
What the heck is this stick-thin bear even doing here!?
As I was still trying to process this absurdity, a villager—a man around 50-60 years old—stepped forward, stroking his beard.
"Ohhh, it's that bear from when I was a teenager!" he exclaimed. "Whoa, it was really in bad shape back then! I thought it might've died, but look—it's actually gained weight!"
...
...
I slowly turned my head from the stick-thin, half-dead bear to the old man.
Wait, seriously!? This thing has gained weight!??? And it was in worse shape back when this guy was a teenager!?
How freaking old is this bear!?
What the actual hell is wrong with this village!?
"Whatever. We've done our job. We'll rest and leave in the morning to continue our journey!" I declared, ready to put this bizarre village behind me.
But of course, Lexi had to make things difficult.
She pouted, clinging to my sleeve. "Can we take this bear with us, Ryuk??"
I froze. "Huh? Huh?? What do you mean, Miss Lexi? This thing is barely even a bear! It's already as old as if it lived through evolution itself! We are not taking this sack of potatoes with us!"
Lexi crossed her arms, puffing her cheeks. "But Ryuuuuuk… look at it! It's so pitiful! I'll feed it and take care of it! Pleaaaaase?"
I stared at the ancient, half-dead bear that had somehow "gained weight" over the decades and sighed.
Why do I feel like this thing will live longer than me?
"No. We are not taking this potato with us!" I said firmly, crossing my arms.
But then… Lexi knelt down to my height, leaned in close, and whispered in my ear—
"Can't you do that much for me, my dear future husband?"
WOMAN, WHAT?!
I jolted back, nearly tripping over my own feet. "H-Husband?! Future—?! W-WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!"
Lexi giggled, tilting her head playfully. "Oh my my, so cute~ You heard me loud and clear, didn't you?"
The villagers just stood there watching. The bear was still lying on the ground like a sack of ancient history. And I—
I just lost.
"Tch… whatever. Just don't make me take care of it!" I grumbled, looking away.
Lexi clapped her hands in victory. "Yayyy!! Welcome to the team, Mister Potato Bear!"
Why do I feel like something weird is going on here? Whatever. Not my problem. Time for clinging session again.
Just as I was about to throw myself into a well-deserved night of warmth and comfort, Lexi turned to the villagers and clapped her hands. "Ah, can you guys feed this bear something when it wakes up?" she asked, as casually as if she were talking about feeding a stray cat.
I squinted. Woman. That is still a bear. A starved, skeletal, one-foot-in-the-grave bear, but a bear nonetheless!
The villagers all took a step back. "Absolutely not."
Yeah. Saw that coming.
Lexi sighed dramatically and then—oh no, I saw that look in her eyes—clasped her hands together with a playful wink. "My my, dear Ryuk~ Can you stay with Mister Bear and make sure it doesn't harm anyone when it wakes up? Just till morning, pretty please~?"
NO.
"WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S NO BIG DEAL TO LEAVE A THREE-YEAR-OLD ALONE WITH A BEAR?!"
Lexi just giggled. "Oh my, but you're soooo strong, aren't you~?"
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT—!"
I turned to the villagers for support. They looked at me. I looked at them. They looked at the bear. The bear looked like it had already attended its own funeral.
I sighed. What's this potato's soul waiting for? The village head grandpa to live another hundred years?
"Fine." I grumbled. "But if this thing dies in its sleep, I'm not doing CPR."
Lexi clapped her hands. "Yay~! Mister Potato Bear, you're under my dear future husband's care now!"
I squinted at the half-dead bear.
"What are you even talking to? I bet this potato's soul is already halfway up heaven's stairs by now!"
The bear didn't move. Didn't even twitch. Just lay there like a sack of bones, looking more like an ancient relic than a living creature.
Yeah, this thing isn't waking up.
Whatever. If it wants to take its sweet time deciding whether to live or die, that's its problem. Meanwhile, I had real issues—like how this oversized potato just stole my precious clinging session with Lexi!
I turned to glare at her, but she was already humming happily, wrapping herself in a warm blanket.
"Miss Lexi, you—!"
She peeked at me with a teasing smile. "Oh my, Ryuk, don't tell me you're pouting~?"
…"I AM."
And she just laughed. This woman is a menace.
I literally had to spend the whole damn night in the freezing cold, watching over this useless, half-dead potato bear.
At least its ridiculously skinny body still had some fur, which I shamelessly used as a blanket. Not that it helped much.
....
Just as the morning sun peeked over the horizon, the hut's door creaked open. Lexi stepped out, stretching and rubbing her eyes, looking all warm and cozy.
"Uhm… Ryuk… is Mr. Bear awake?" she mumbled sleepily.
I slowly turned my head, stared at her, and deadpanned—
"No, miss lexi. This thing is just dead. It's not gonna wake up. Let this potato be buried in the ground already."
Lexi pouted. "Aww, don't be so mean~ Maybe he just needs a little more time!"
I glanced at the bear.
Still not moving. Still not breathing. Still looking like it was halfway through its reincarnation cycle.
"Yeah, sure. Let's just wait and see if it comes back as a tree in its next life."
As I finished my sentence, the half-dead potato bear suddenly twitched.
Then, out of nowhere—
ROOOOAAAARRR!!!
Holy. FUCK.
I jumped back as the bear suddenly shot up like it just remembered rent was due.
"OI, WHY ARE YOU WAKING UP NOW?!" I shouted, my heart nearly exploding.
Lexi clapped her hands excitedly. "Oh my my, see? He just needed some rest~"
I turned to her, horrified. "Rest?! miss lexi , this thing was halfway up heaven's staircase! You should've been praying for its smooth passage, not expecting it to return!"
The bear, despite being a literal skeleton wrapped in fur, somehow managed to look offended.
I don't know why or how, but it growled at me like I had personally insulted its ancestors.
"What, are you mad?! What did I do?! YOU were the one looking like a museum exhibit all night!"
The bear just snorted, shook itself off, and stood up.
At this point, I was convinced—
This village was cursed.
Every single living thing here was in a competition to see who could defy death the longest.
After force-feeding the oversized potato some meat—which I had to hunt down myself, by the way—it finally moved.
By moved, I mean it barely lifted itself up, wobbled like a drunk old man, then collapsed back down with a dramatic sigh, as if it just ran a marathon in its dreams.
I stared.
Lexi clapped her hands. "Oh my! Mr. Bear is feeling better!"
Lexi. This thing is not 'better.' This thing is one bad decision away from joining the afterlife.
I looked at her.
Then at the bear.
Then back at her.
"Is this lazy sack of potato, acting like a sloth, really going to come with us?"
Lexi smiled sweetly. "Oh dear, let Mr. Bear rest a bit more until we meet the village head before leaving."
No, woman. That guy barely talks—he just coughs like he's got the flu…
---
As we stood before the village head, I realized something.
This dude had upgraded from 'coughing guy' to 'officially dead guy.'
He was literally lying on a small white sheet, looking like someone just said, "Yep, that's the end of the road for you, buddy."
I squinted.
...
...
Then, slowly, I picked a flower from the pot in the room, ready to gently place it on his chest.
When suddenly—
"Ahm! Ahm! Ahm!"
THE OLD MAN SPRANG TO LIFE LIKE A POSSESSED DOLL.
I almost threw the flower at his face.
"Don't scare the shit out of me, old man!"
He ignored me.
"Ahm! Ahm! Oh, young travelers… ahm! Ahm! Ahm! Ahm! Ahm!"
Oh for the love of—
"Seriously, old man. Either die, stop coughing, or hire a translator."
Lexi smacked my arm. "Ryuk! Be respectful!"
RESPECTFUL?! THIS MAN JUST DID A FULL-BODY JUMPSCARE!
"Ahm! Ahm! Young travelers… ahm! Ahm! Our saviors… ahm! Ahm!"
Old man, just say 'thanks,' and we'll leave.
"Ahm! Ahm! You two… ahm! Ahm! Helpers of our… ahm! Ahm!"
Gruhh…
"We helped your village, so you're thanking us, right? You're welcome! It was our pleasure. Please don't worry, live another thousand years." I quickly said, hoping to escape.
"Oh, how… ahm! Ahm! Clever boy… ahm! Ahm!"
Gruhh…
Is this old man still talking!?
"Ahm! Ahm! A thousand? That's too little! Ahm! Ahm! I'm aiming for three thousand!"
I stared at him.
Lexi giggled.
And that's when I did something completely out of character.
I slowly bowed down—not out of respect, but out of pure, soul-crushing disbelief.
"Lexi."
"Yes, dear?"
"I think this guy is actually immortal."
Lexi patted my shoulder. "Hehe, maybe you should ask him for a blessing~?"
I turned back to the ancient man.
He was still coughing.
Yeah, no. I'll pass.