"Let's gooo!!!" Lexi cheered, practically vibrating with excitement as we stood at the grand exit gate of Aetherwyn—the pathway leading down to the land below.
Meanwhile, I stood there like a prisoner on death row, contemplating my life choices.
Lexi, of course, was too busy vibrating with excitement to notice my internal breakdown.
As soon as we stepped onto solid ground, she whipped out a giant map—seriously, where was she even keeping that?!—and started tracing her finger across it. "Alright! To reach Stellathorne, our first stop is… Durmarrheim!"
Durmarrheim.
Ah. The land of angry short people.
"A legendary stronghold where dwarves craft the finest weapons from magical ores!" Lexi continued, practically sparkling. "The best craftsmen in the world live there! Ahh, imagine all the weapons, the enchantments, the craftsmanship!"
I could also imagine myself getting yeeted off a mountain by an angry dwarf for the second time in my existence.
See, in my previous life, I may have… accidentally caused an incident. Thekind that resulted in an entire species vowing to never let me set foot in their city again. And now? Now, I had to go back.
"Durmarrheim, huh…" I muttered, staring at the map. This is fine. Everything is fine.
Lexi turned to me with a wide grin, bouncing on her feet. "Come on, Ryuk! This is going to be amazing!"
Amazing, she says.
I sighed, feeling the invisible hand of fate gripping me by the collar and dragging me straight into disaster. Here we go again… another episode of 'Ryuk Gets Humiliated by the Universe.'
We walked for half a day, following the winding path toward our destination. The journey was peaceful—until it wasn't.
Ahead, nestled between rolling hills, was a small village. And judging by the absolute chaos happening at its entrance, trouble was already in full swing
As we approached the gate, two wary-looking villagers blocked our path. "Halt! Who are you, miss?" one of them asked, squinting at us like we owed him money.
Lexi, radiating pure main character energy, pulled out the royal permit given by the king and held it up like it was an all-access pass to life. "I'm a citizen of Aetherwyn," she declared proudly. Then, she gestured at me. "And this little one here is my student. We're on our way to Stellathorne."
I nodded, playing the part of an innocent three-year-old. Just a normal toddler on a totally normal journey across the continent! Nothing weird here!
"Oh, an Aetherwyn citizen with a royal permit? My apologies for the rudeness," one of the villagers said, bowing slightly. "Small villages like ours must be cautious, you see."
Lexi waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, no worries at all! But… is something wrong?" she asked, tilting her head in concern.
LEXI, NO. DON'T ASK. JUST KEEP WALKING. PLEASE.
But nope. Of course not. That would be too easy.
"Oh, it's just that recently, some E-rank demons have been attacking our village's crops," the villager sighed. "Our village survives on agriculture, and they're ruining our farms!"
"E-rank demons?" Lexi raised an eyebrow. "Then why not ask the king for help?"
The villager sighed. "We're already in debt… We haven't even paid our taxes to the capital, so it's hard to request protection."
Lexi smiled. And at that moment, I knew.
I knew exactly what was about to happen.
Because whenever Lexi gets that expression, it means I'm about to suffer.
"Oh, no worries! My Ryuk alone can handle any B or even A-rank demon!"
WOMAN, WHY DO YOU FLEX ME ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT ME UP FOR AUCTION?!
Both villagers turned to me, their expressions filled with pure disbelief.
"This kid?"
Lexi nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! He even took down the Duke of Aetherwyn for me! Kyhaa!!"
NO, WOMAN! I WAS BLACKMAILED INTO THAT! STOP MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A TODDLER WARLORD!
The villagers gasped. "Oh, really!? Then… could you please stay in our village for the night? These demons attack farms every midnight! Some even wear hoods to disguise themselves!"
Lexi clapped her hands. "Oh! No problem! We'll take care of it!!"
And just like that, my peaceful journey had turned into yet another unpaid side quest. Again. Why is my life just an endless chain of trouble?
.
.
.
We were taken to the village head—an ancient-looking old man. The old man coughed—no, wheezed—so hard I swore I saw his soul attempt to escape his body for a second before it got pulled back in.
"Ahm… ahm… we are glad you two young'uns want to help our village!" he rasped, his back hunched at a perfect 90-degree angle.
No, old man, I don't want to. I'm practically being forced into this!
I stared at him for a long moment. And why are you even alive, man? Humans barely make it past 70, and you look like you personally witnessed the invention of agriculture.
Wait… I'm no one to talk. I lived for 300 years in my past life.
Still, this guy looked like breathing was an extreme sport for him. Just take a break, grandpa. Let nature do its job. I promise I'll write you a nice obituary.
The old man coughed. "Ahm… ahm… our vill—ahmm… amm…"
Old man, either cough or talk! Pick a struggle!
After what felt like an eternity and three more near-death-sounding coughs, he finally managed to continue, "Well… ahm… our village is small… we have… ahm… nothing much to offer… ahm… but please accept this."
A villager beside him handed Lexi a small pouch.
Oh, at least it's not an unpaid quest, then.
Lexi eagerly opened it, and her eyes sparkled. "Oohhh~!"
Curious, I peeked inside, expecting something valuable… only to see… toffees.
Seriously? I know I'm three, but you're offering me toffees for protecting your village from demons??
I turned to Lexi, waiting for her to say something. You know, maybe politely refuse, demand something useful, or at least pretend to be offended.
Instead, she popped a toffee into her mouth, grabbed another, and shoved it into mine. "Ahhh, itsh been a while shinse I had toffies!" she mumbled happily, eyes practically tearing up.
…Why am I even here?
I chewed the toffee reluctantly. Great. I've been downgraded from "Legendary Hero" to "Demon Exterminator for Candy." What's next? A side quest for cookies?
The old man coughed again. "Ahm… ahm… now ahm… ahm…"
Old man, please, either complete a sentence or let your lungs win. This back-and-forth ain't helping anyone.
He wheezed, gathering all his ancient strength. "Ahm… now you two can rest… ahm… we have prepared… a small… ahm… hut… for you… ahm… I hope you two… ahm… don't mind… ahm…"
Old man, just say 'hut there, go sleep.' We'll fill in the blanks ourselves and call it a day! Your soul is clinging to this world like a stubborn stain—don't make it work overtime!
The old man grunted as he attempted to stand up, gripping his stick like his life depended on it—which, honestly, it probably did. Just as he straightened—
CRACK!!!
A sound so loud and horrifying echoed through the room that for a moment, I genuinely thought his soul had just packed its bags and left.
"Ahm… ahm… oh, sorry… ahm… I'm just… ahm… getting a bit old… ahm…"
Lexi, eyes wide in terror, immediately waved her hands. "No, no, grandpa, please! Don't get up! We'll find our way! Just—just sit and, um… exist peacefully, okay?"
The old man sighed and sank back down with another concerningly loud creak.
Getting a bit old?! Old man, you passed 'old' so long ago, your birth certificate is probably a cave painting!
And what the hell do you mean by 'bit old'?! What's 'full old' in your dictionary?? Living long enough to witness magic evolve to the point where it startscasting spells on itself just so it doesn't have to bother doing magic manually anymore?!
The villager beside him gestured for us to follow. We walked out of the room, and after a short walk, he stopped and pointed ahead proudly.
"There! The hut we prepared for you!"
I turned to look—
…And immediately regretted it.
Three thin sticks, barely holding onto dear life, were dug into the ground like a sad, deflated birthday hat. A few leaves were lazily thrown on top, as if that somehow made it 'shelter.'
I stared. Blinked. Stared again.
…Is this some kind of joke?
Even Lexi, the queen of optimism, looked visibly disturbed. "Uh… this is…" She struggled to find a nice way to put it.
Lexi, don't bother. There's no sugarcoating this—it's a freaking disappointment.
"Ahem!" The villager puffed his chest, looking smug. "We hope it's to your liking!"
I looked at him. Then back at the 'hut.' Then back at him.
To my liking?! Bro, even stray dogs would file a complaint if they had to live in this!
Do you actually expect me and Lexi to spend the whole night here? Like… inside this pile of twigs and disappointment?!
I knelt down next toit, barely fitting my three-year-old self under the 'roof.'
"Lexi," I whispered gravely. "If I sneeze too hard, this thing is going to collapse."
Lexi hesitated before speaking. "Um… sir, do you have somewhere else to stay? Because I don't think we two will fit here…"
Oh? Oh?! For once in your entire existence, Lexi, you actually said something sensible!
The villager scratched his head. "Oh, well then, how about you two adjust there?" He casually pointed behind me.
I turned around—
And immediately regretted it.
Behind me stood an ancient, hollowed-out tree. It was dark, eerie, and looked one strong breeze away from collapsing into dust.
…Does this village have some sort of competition for 'barely hanging on to life'?!
First, the head village grandpa, now this tree—who's next?! The well that's 'technically' dry but still drips water out of pure stubbornness?!
Lexi smiled awkwardly. "Haha… um, sir, I think that's a bit too—"
Creeeaaaak…
The tree groaned, as if personally offended by our conversation.
I took a step back.
Oh, great. Even the accommodations have a life expectancy crisis.
"No, no! We'll manage in this—uh, what is it? Hut? You say?" I quickly interrupted. "Yeah, I'll manage in the hut!"
It's better to live under three sticks that, if they collapse, won't even kill a mosquito—rather than inside an ancient tree that's already hanging onto life by a thread!
Lexi looked at me, then at the so-called "hut," then at the haunted, barely-standing tree.
"...You know what? That's fair."
The villager gave us a thumbs-up. "Good choice! That tree has been around for 300 years, but it should hold up for a while longer!"
Should?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHOULD?!
Lexi sighed. "Well, it's just for one night… right?"
I glanced at the 'hut' again, watching one of the leaves flutter off in the wind.
…Sure, Lexi. One night. Or until the first gust of wind decides otherwise.