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I lied down on my bed.
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I think my ceiling needed a clean, there are a few cobwebs on the corners.
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My mom's words keep echoing in my mind, but the one sentence she said after the meal gets a particular spotlight..
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"You told me that you were happy to finally get your own role and not just act as the younger version of another actress."
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"You said that it feels refreshing to finally be a real actress and not just some child actress."
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Did the past me think like that?
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She seems even more enthusiastic about acting compared to me.
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I tried to remember the sensibilities of those times with my weak memory.
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What was it like back then?
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Was I so happy just to say a few lines?
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Did I make some friends?
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Did I spend the nights rereading the scripts in excitement?
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Even after all that effort, I still can't remember anything, neither can I remember being so optimistic about something.
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My thought-riddled brain couldn't stand the pressure and it collapsed.
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Ah...My head hurts.
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As if time travel is not enough material to think about.
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'Spring...Breeze...'
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I don't remember much from that drama. I only remembered that it got poor reception for a public broadcasting drama.
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I am now curious about the things that I might have forgotten.
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Did I have a good time there?
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Did I learn new things?
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In 201X none of that would matter anymore.
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But this is not 201X.
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My role is one where you got nothing to gain and everything to lose.
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The drama has horrible ratings, the story is in shambles and my character is frustrating.
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So...
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Why should I care about those things?
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If it's fun then I should do it.
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It's 200X and I'm a kid, kids do things for the sake of it.
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And...
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If you think about it, that 'all to lose and nothing to gain' doesn't really apply to me.
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It'll probably not be a successful drama and all that, but my role is quite small, it will not affect me much.
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I barely have any screentime anyways, It'll basically be a nostalgic trip.
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Besides, I wasn't even planning to go down actress route again.
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I was planning on quitting acting.
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Before the crash and this whole ridiculous time travel situation.
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I spent weeks just thinking about it.
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And now...
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I can't help but think of it again.
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Especially since I am now in these same crossroads once again.
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After weeks of rumination, I thought I shouldn't have gotten into acting.
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I don't have a suitable personality nor looks.
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And my skills are just alright, they won't stop a show.
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Nothing ever works out for me as an actress and honestly I know exactly why at that point.
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I was planning on getting some type of certification so that I could get a higher paying job and not just stick around doing part time jobs.
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I knew that I have made this decision to quit.
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And this is a decision that should've stayed regardless of time travel.
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But why am I unwilling?
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I knew I shouldn't look back, but why am I hesitating?
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This reminds me of that time 3 years ago.
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I was already considering quitting acting, but then I stubbornly held on, hoping for some sort of miracle.
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Some sort of reversal.
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And now this reversal arrived in my hands.
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If it were a few years ago, I would've been ecstatic.
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I knew all the hit dramas, roles and trends.
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I knew the recipe to success.
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But now....
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I am not so sure.
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It might seem foolish to you, but I have made my mind.
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I spent too many nights thinking about this same thing.
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I knew I weren't someone good enough to be an actress.
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As such, I have made my decision.
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I have made my plans on what to do afterwards.
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I knew it was foolish to continue or even start.
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But why do I not want to stop doing it?
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Why do I keep experiencing this wretched feeling?
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It's like a love affair, it's probably even worse than one.
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Defeated, I made a concession just for this one time.
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It's good to do what you want to do.
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What if I'm actually dead and I'm just imagining all these things
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It would be good to do something I liked.
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Although I knew it was likely to be so.
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Think of it like a last rodeo, a final fantasy, something of the sort.
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I'll have fun, enjoy shooting for the last time and finally focus on my studies to get into a nice university.
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If I actually time traveled, which I heavily suspected to be the case, I would be doing a huge favor for myself.
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I will get a nice job that pays well and I'll go on frequent vacations and...Maybe I'll act for fun once in a while.
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Just for fun, nothing more.
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It's seems the perfect solution.
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Isn't this the reversal I always longed for?
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I don't know, but there is something in the back of mind just preventing me from going completely lax.
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...
...
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In the morning, I told my mom that I am going to participate in Spring Breeze and her smile looked like the spring breeze.
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"I knew it! You said you didn't want to act, but you had that stare. Like you are unwilling to give up your favorite toy."
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"I know you too well to not see the signs."
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Did I?
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" Well, you'd better not change your mind after we sign the contract, otherwise it'll be complicated and I'll really hate you." My mom joked, a cheeky grin on her lips.
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"By the way Ha-na, why aren't you prepared for school?"
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"Huh...School?"
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It suddenly dawned on me that I am now a 15 year old who unfortunately still has to go to school.
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Unfortunately again, I have forgotten everything by now.
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I don't even know which class I belonged to, what subject is taught today.
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I've forgotten everything about school.
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I wanted to curse.