As a child, she made pancakes for me all the time.
Akira handed me a plate, and we sat down at the small dining table.
As we ate, Akira asked me gentle questions about my life, wanting to be caught up on everything that had happened since we'd last seen each other.
"You know, Mom," I said, taking a bite of my pancake, "I used to love playing with Ryder when we were kids. He was obsessed with monster trucks, and I would play along with him for hours."
Akira chuckled. "That sounds like so much fun. I'm glad you had some happy times with him."
I nodded, smiling. "Yeah, Ryder was always a sweet kid. But his parents...Ainsley was nice to me at first, but Greg was a monster from the very beginning."
Akira's expression turned serious, and she reached out to take my hand. "Did he-"
"Oh no" I tried to spare her from the guilt "It sounds worse than it really was. I'm just really glad I'm home"
I felt a lump form in my throat as I looked at her. For a moment, I forgot about all the pain and hurt of the past, and I just felt grateful to have my mother back in my life.
As we finished our meal, Akira asked me more questions about my life with Ryder's family. I told her about the ways in which they'd hurt and manipulated me, and she listened attentively, her eyes filled with compassion and concern.
"Kaida, when are you going back to Ravenwood?"
"What?" I sounded surprised.
"Sweetheart, I have a life here that prevents me from making this reunion permanent. But I could call you every now and then to check in. Would you like that?" She asked like it was the offer of the century.
"What?"
I was speechless.
**
One of the few memories I was able to retain of Akira, was her exchanging her purple spiral necklace at the market for some canned fish, a basket of veggies, and a second hand yellow dress she got off the body of the fish sellers daughter, I think I was around four years old.
What stayed with me was her eyes and the amount of soul breaking sadness in them as she tried to distract me from the the fact that she needed a good cry.
She must have really loved that purple necklace…too bad, same can't be said about me. Her eyes right this moment was bright blue, if anything, it only had fear in them.
Fear that I might do the most selfish thing like free myself from the slavery she sold me into and come home.
I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.
Scratch that! It felt like someone had wrapped their fist around a razor sharp bar wire and punched me in the coochie!
The question was so abrupt, so insensitive, that it took my breath away…I meant that literally.
I stared at Akira, my eyes wide with hurt and shock.
" you're already tired of me being here?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
Akira's expression softened, and she reached out to touch my arm.
"No, Kaida, that's not what I meant. I just...I need to know what's going on."
I pulled my arm away, feeling a surge of anger and hurt.
"You need to know what's going on? You need to know?" I wiped my face like a mad person.
"You have no idea what I've been through, what I'm still going through. And now you're asking me when I'm leaving? Like I'm some kind of guest who's overstayed her welcome?"
My eyes filled with tears, and Akira took a step back, looking like she'd been slapped. "Kaida, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
But I was beyond consolation. I felt like I'd been opened up and exposed, like all my wounds were raw and bleeding again.
Like I was five years old again clutching my favorite teddy bear and my fucking mother just sold me to a fucking monster and never looked back!
"I don't know, Akira. I haven't really thought about it since my husband rejected me in front of his family and pack. So I get that my presence here is inconveniencing your life and I would care about that...except my life is falling apart!"
Akira's eyes narrowed. "Divorce? Kaidaira!" she screamed. "Why didn't you do everything in your power to make sure Master Ryder Steele kept you."
I felt a sting from her words.
"Kept me?" She made it sound like I was a dog.
"Yes!" Akira cut me off, her voice rising.
I felt like going closer to her to hurt her…to slap her.
But I didn't. I stood rooted to the spot.
When you've spent the last nineteen years being the obedient slave, it's really hard to be something else. My cowardice hurt me more than anything.
"What's my favorite ice cream flavor, Mama?" I screamed at her.
"Mango" she said.
"Wrong" I screamed. "Try again! It's charcoal Coconut ice cream and did I mention I have a severe allergy to coconut milk? Yet it's my favorite…do you know why?" I screamed at her.
She shook her head.
"Because it's Ryder's favorite ice cream. So every Tuesday, I eat some with him and then I proceed to the bathroom to have the most excruciating hive of my life but I'm a silver Fur wolf, so it only affects me for about thirty minutes and I'm whole again, so it doesn't really count, right? Yeah, of course not…anything to make Master Ryder like me"
I sniff back snot.
"What's my favorite movie, Mama?" I asked her again.
"Mulan" she whispered.
"Actually, it's a Spanish documentary on the life span of bees…do you know who is fluent in five languages including Spanish?" When she didn't speak, I lost it "Speak up, Mama!"
"Ryder. Ryder Steele is fluent"
"That's correct! You know who isn't?" I asked her and she shook her head.
"Me" I whispered, tears running down my face. "I didn't get any education. I'm good for blood and as a whore"
My lips trembled.
"I'm a twenty four year old woman who loves an ice cream she's allergic to and who's favorite film is a documentary she can't understand. I can't read, I can b-barely write my name and-" my voice shook like a windy leaf. "I don't know where Ryder stops and I begin"
I let out a choked cry.
"That line blurred a long time ago because my own mother looked me in the eyes when I was barely a girl and told me to do everything in my power to make a little boy like me because my survival depended on it! And I did!" I finally screamed in her face.
"I am twenty four years old and I have no identity, Akira! I have no home! I'm heartbroken and I'm pissed! Because like the rest of you adults who ruined my life, my husband's betrayal is dangerously close to your sin. And if you can't support me, then maybe I don't need you in my life either."
"Fine, Kaida. If that's how you feel, then maybe it's best if you do leave... don't come back"
It felt like a stab to the heart.
"What kind of a mother are you?"
She didn't say a word to me. She looked away.
"Mama, please...I have nowhere else to go!"
She didn't say a word either. She simply picked up the ring I discarded and pressed it in my palm. "Go home, Kaida. Go back to your husband"
"He doesn't want me" I cried harder.
"Beg him...grovel if you have to. The goal hasn't changed. You must do everything in your power for to get Ryder Steele to like you!"
"Mama" I cried harder but it didn't really matter.
And so, I asked her questions.
If she won't give me a home, she can at least give me answers.
"Who's my father and why do you have another daughter named Kaidaira?. And most importantly, why am I so amped up in pheromones that I could literally screw anything with a pulse just to scratch that itch in me?"
"Leave! At once!" She tried to storm out but if there was a chance of a loving father out there, I needed to know.
"Tell me or I will go ask your husband!" I threatened.
"It won't do you any good. He won't want you either" She told me.