For a moment, it felt as if a part of my brain was being liberated. Like it had been hidden away from before and suddenly popped into existence at this moment. As soon as I felt that a flash of light ensued, and the scene before me was one I had never seen before.
I was viewing it for the first time. It was one of the many memories that had been taken from me. Either by the spell, or my own brain locking it away.
We were on the beach. It was the dead of night, and only a single constellation was visible.
A cross in the sky. Crux. The southern cross.
That singular cluster of stars was what stared down at the scene transpiring below.
I was still frantically shaking Kami. My eyes were wide, and there were tears. My hands pressed down unto her wounds, trying to stop the flow of blood, but there were just too many cuts. It was at that moment that I had made the realization she needed a medic. Someone who could use healing magic.
I turned to face the direction from where I came and shouted at the very top of my lungs. "HEREEE!" My voice broke at the end.
Instantly, I could hear voices rushing forward and the underbrush being displaced as people rushed to my location.
The first person to break through the brush was Mina. Then my mom, and a few other servants and guards.
"KAMII!" My mother and Mina both screamed at the same time, as they made it to where we were and crouched down, grabbing her and trying to wake her up.
My mother looked down, saw the blood, and screamed. Mina on the other hand was muttering to herself, her eyes horrified. One of the servants turned to look at me.
"What happened!" They shouted, and I flinched backwards, snapped out of my own daze.
"I-I don't know!" I tripped over my words, and the crying was making it nearly impossible for me to see her.
Another guard stepped forward, getting in my face. "You're the one always leading her around! What they hell do you mean what happened?"
Spit flew in my face, but I was too overwhelmed to notice. "I-I-I"
Just before I could be pressed more, my mother shoved the guard out of the way, and sliding towards me, and grabbing me. Her hands perused my body, looking for any wounds.
"Raiden. Raiden, are you okay?"
Tears flowed down my face slowly. "I'm sorry. I don't know- I just- I-"
"Shhhhhhh. It's okay. It's okay."
This was a memory that I remembered. My mom frantically searching for wounds on my body while I apologized. I was scared, and I was a ball of emotions, unable to express a single thought.
Thats when she began to comfort me. To tell me that it was okay. To tell me that everything that happened wasn't my fault. I remembered this moment. Back then, it was what had kept me alive.
Just like the memory of her singing lullabies to me did.
Turning my attention back to the scene that was currently going on, I saw that my mom and had returned to where they were now beginning to transport Kami. She was holding my hand, and everyone was rushing, running to get back.
It was in that rush that I noticed sounds coming from the nearby brush. Immediately, I snapped my attention towards it. In that moment, I could see all the training my father had put me through kick in. All my senses honed in.
I turned on my mana sense and saw someone trying to sneak away from the scene. I slipped away from my mother's grasp, and she shouted out towards me.
"Raiden! Come back! It's dangerous!"
However, I wasn't going to stop. I dashed through the brush, chasing down the person who was trying to escape.
They began to increase their speed as they realized someone was pursing them; however it didn't make a difference.
Coating my body in lightning, I used it to increase my speed. It was a technique I called Electrification.
Dashing forward, it didn't take long for me to get this person in my sights.
As we broke through the brush, there was no ground below me. They had set a trap, using magic to create a massive group that lead into a bunch of spikes made out of rock down below.
I turned around, and behind me, I could see a hooded figure standing, a smile on their faces.
They were smiling. They thought they had one. However, the younger version of me had a trick up their sleeves.
Mana switching.
As I began to fall, I threw out a blast of lightning at them. To them, it must have seemed like a desperate last-ditch effort to take them down with me. The figure easily stepped out of the way of the attack, unfazed. Their smile even grew.
However, that didn't last for long. Activating the technique, I swapped places with the blast of lightning, landing directly behind the hooded figure.
As they realized what happened, they put a hand up to defend themselves, however it was too late by that point.
II used my finger that was coated in lighting in order to slash them 12 times.
Arm, leg, face, chest, shoulder, hand.
They were covered in slashes in a split second, the final one opening up a red smile on their neck.
They began to fall backwards, complete and utter shock covering their faces. I watched them, a cold, hateful expression on my face. I watched as they fell straight into their own trap.
I watched myself murder this person for revenge. Something I couldn't remember happening for the life of me.
I simply stood in wide-eyed shock as the little version of me stood from across. He was staring into the distance with pure malice in his eyes, lightning flickering wildly off of his body. His right index finger was dripping in blood.
I stood across from him, staring at him with shock in my expression. My eyes were wide and I was shaking uncontrollably.
I couldn't remember this moment at all. But know that I had seen it again, I knew that without a doubt this had happened. I had experienced this.
I had killed a man. And yet I couldn't remember it.
As I began to take horrified steps back, I made the realization that this was one of the things my mind had warped and hidden away from me.
"Why?" I muttered weakly to myself, unable to understand. With every new thing that I saw, my mind began to break a bit more. I didn't want to see any more. If I did, my mind would shatter completely.
■■■■■: "This is just the beginning."
I could hear her voice, but when I looked around, she was nowhere to be found. It was in that moment that I began to feel alone. It was starting to become cold. I reached out, but there was no one there.
■■■■■: "You killed a man. You don't seriously expect that it didn't have any mental consequences on you?"
"But-"
■■■■■: "In fact, the very first time you killed a person was when your murdered Mark and the rest of them. And yet there was no bad reaction. You didn't lose it. You didn't feel guilty. Why?"
The answer was simple. Because I had already felt that once, and nothing would ever compare to the first. Even if I couldn't remember it my own subconscious recognized that.
Internally, I felt a pillar crumble. I felt glass shatter. Whatever analogy you could draw to something breaking. I had been having this feeling from the very beginning. But now, it shook me to the core.
It scared me.
The scenery changed. In a flash, right in front of my eyes. Now it was within the hospital room where Kami had been saved.
"She's stable. For now. She's also woken up. If you want, you can go talk to her." The doctor, a middle-aged man with a receding hairline said. He paused for a few seconds before saying, "However be mindful. The attack was so traumatic that it put her in a near death state for a while. She's missing memories of the attack, as well as a lot of moments leading up to it."
I didn't go Immediately. I couldn't after what the doctor had just told us. Instead, I waited for my mom and dad to go in first. I was ashamed. I felt responsible for what had happened. If I hadn't gone and ran my mouth, if I hadn't actually snuck out with her on multiple occasions, this would have never happened.
I was so wrapped up in these thoughts that I didn't notice when the door to the room opened, and both mom and dad stepped out.
"Raiden." My father said. His voice was tense, and vulnerable. He rarely ever showed vulnerability in his words. Hearing that shook me to the core.
"Kami. She wants to speak to you."
In that moment, I wondered. Even know, I could read the thoughts of the me that I watched from a distance. I could remember parts of this, but not all of it.
is she going to blame me?
She probably hates me.
Those parts of me began to assume the very worst, and it made it nearly impossible for me to drag myself into the room. However, I did. Once the door shut behind me, Kami turned to face me. There were multiple bandages on her face and her arms were wrapped.
A relieved expression washed over her face as she saw me. "Your oaky." She said, as if that was the only thing that mattered right now. Even as she lay in the hospital bed. "Theres an intruder. An attacker. I was worried about everyone else...."
I couldn't believe that she would be so worried about other people when she had nearly lost her life like that. "Don't worry. I took care of it. They're not going to hurt anyone else." I started off by saying something that would get her mood up.
She smiled.
Seeing that, I decided to keep going, and ask the questions that were on the forefront of my mind. "Why?"
I let a beat of silence pass before I spoke again. "Why did you go out alone."
After I asked the question, I braced myself for the answer, knowing that no matter what it was, I would blame myself for it in the end.
However, no amount of preparation could have prepared me for what was said next.
In my own memory, this part of the conversation hadn't been included.
"I did it because I wanted to be like you."
Both the memory of the past, and the current me had the breath ripped from our lungs after that statement.
Both of our eyes widened at the same time, and I can only assume that the exact same thoughts were running through our heads. However, Kami continued to speak.
"You've done it so many times before. Going out alone, completely unnoticed. You'd always come back and look refreshed. Satisfied. I wanted to do what you did. But it looks like I only messed things up."
She tried to sound lighthearted however her voice was so weak that I couldn't buy into the joke.
If only I realized how much she looked up to me. If only I thought about that before I did so many stupid things in front of her. Talked about so many stupid things in front of her. If I had just paid a little more attention to anything but myself this would have never happened.
As the Raiden that belonged to the memory began to hyperventilate, I took a step back, trying to escape this room. However, as I reached the wall, I realized that I couldn't leave. I was trapped. Now I was starting to hyperventilate. I reached out to grab something, anything for support, however there was nothing. Everything that I tried to grab for only ended up phasing through me.
I looked around in disbelief. Not only was I alone, but the only things that I could touch were the walls that kept me boxed in.
Internally, I felt another pillar fall.
Just then, I saw myself run out of the room, to Kami's shock. I burst out of the door, and my parents watched in shock as I ran.
I ran, until I found myself back on that beach. Kami's blood was still in the sand, as the tide hadn't rose high enough to wash it away yet. I stared at the blood, absolutely disgusted with myself.
At that moment there were many thoughts and emotions that were running through me.
I felt guilty, and responsible for what had happened. It was because of me that Kami had been hurt so badly her brain forced her to forget it.
I felt shameful, because it was my own mistake that led to this happening.
My own mind was telling me that it was all my fault, and that I should atone for what happened. I remembered the vulnerability in my father's voice. The pain and horror in my mother's expression. Mina's shock.
I thought back on all of it, I remembered all of my father's words, all of the training.
What was the point when things ended up like this? All the effort that people put in was destroyed by him. All of the things that happened were his fault. All of the people were hurt by his actions.
As Raiden began to spiral, he watched in horror as there began scene he couldn't remember.
He watched in the memory as he began to scratch himself, drawing blood. Just a few drops at first. However, there was more and more and more flowing out with every second that Raiden sat there. All the while, he stared into the ocean with an empty expression.
He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice Yuki Walk about behind him. Not until she grabbed his hands and pulled them away from him.
At that moment, I finally looked up and saw Yuki standing behind me. Her expression was sad and hurt.
"Raiden, what were you trying to do?" She asked the question, but she sounded like she already knew the answer.
For a moment I wondered what she was talking about. That was until I caught notice of the blood that dripped from my hands. That ran down my arms, and that covered the sand. There was so much of it that I was surprised I was still alive.
Before I could come up with an excuse as to what was going on, Yuki pulled me in close.
"Don't do this to yourself Raiden." She said softly. I didn't know when, but I had begun to cry. "Don't do this too yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happen. I want you to promise me that you'll never do something like this again okay. That you'll never try to end what hasn't even started yet." Yuki herself seemed on the verge of tears.
I nodded absentmindedly; however, Yuki wasn't convinced. "Raiden. Promise."
"I- I promise" I replied in between tears.
After that, I watched as I blacked out from blood loss.
That was the birth of my destructive habit.
Another pillar snapped.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
In the next scene, I was waking up, and there were faint voices in the room. The voices belonged to my father and my mother, however the me on the table couldn't tell at the moment.
As his mind began to clear, he decided to pretend to still be unconscious, and listened in on the conversation.
"So, what you're saying is you knew what was going on and you just let it happen?" My mothers voice sounded hurt and angry at the same time.
My father's voice on the other hand, was cold. However, I could sense a bit of hurt there two. He was masking his own emotion. "You know why I had to do this. There was no other way. Pressure from the entire family lead to this."
My mother slammed her hand against the counter, shaking it violently. "And so, in response, you plotted on your own kids? On your own family?" She was shouting.
I held my breath. This was a scene I had never seen yet. There was a part of me that told me to close my eyes and block my ears, and to save myself from the damage this would cause. However, I couldn't. I kept watching and listening.
"They're scared, Sora. They were all scared of him. Of his power. Of his curse. They didn't feel safe. Not only the family, but from some of the 10 grand magic families. They think because of the curse, he's a threat. They want him assassinated. They believe that he's "the one who will bring upon ruin". As our ancestors previously fore tolled. His strength, plus his curse isn't helping."
My father's emotionless facade began to crack. He sounded nervous. He sounded stressed. He even sounded a bit scared.
My mothers anger subsided a bit. "And this was the only thing you could come up with? Traumatizing both of our children? Hurting them? Hurting everyone in the family! Raiden tried to kill himself! Is that what you want?"
My father suddenly snapped. "Of course not! I don't' want any of this! But with what I have this is all I can do! The world of non-magicians wants him dead. Other magicians want him and his sister dead. And they're both so naive. Believing in exploring a world that won't hesitate to kill them! I had to do something to make sure they don't run into their deaths."
"And so, you chose the most violent path of all time! Our children's lives are on the line! They're wellbeing, and their futures. So, I'll be damned if I let us go down this pa-"
At that moment I closed my eyes because I knew what would have happened next. My mother's voice was cut off as the sound of a slap filled the room.
"Just stop! I know what I'm wrong! I know I'll be punished. However, this is the only way. Yes, that meant allowing them to roam free, to sneak out without anybody stopping them. Yes, that meant hiring that assassin to hurt Kami. it was all in order to drill into their minds that the outside world was dangerous. And most importantly, it was to make sure Raiden stayed in line, and make sure that he continued to stay in line! I had to break him, to make sure that both Kami and him can survive this world!"
My father walked to the corner of the room before punching it hard. He leaned his head against the wall, and judging from the shakiness of his voice, he was crying. "I would have never done this I had a choice. But I don't. I don't have a choice, okay? Better he thinks himself worthless than dead."
At that moment, I saw myself shift on the table. Saw as he walked over to where my mother was crying, facing away from him.
I saw how he reached down to touch her, to hug her, to tell her that it would be okay.
I saw the action happen in slow motion. I saw his hands brush her shoulder-
CRACKKK!
The sound of a vicious slap echoed throughout the room.
One moment, I saw myself reaching down to console my mom. In the next, I had been flung halfway across the room, a bruise on my face and blood dripping from my mouth.
Maybe my sudden touch had scared my mother so much that she reflexively attacked.
Maybe she was antsy after she had been hit by Takeru. Whatever it was, it had caused her to slap me.
I saw myself on all fours, staring at the ground in shock. I then turned to look at my mom. Shock, fear and hurt in my expression.
My mother stared back at me in pure shock. "Raiden, I-I-m sorry. Raiden I-"
Before she could even say anything else, Takeru dashed forward and kneeled before me.
"You were awake?" His eyes were streaked with tears. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry. However, I wasn't focused on him.
I was staring at my mom. And she was staring at me. Both of us had shock, hurt, and pain on our faces.
Suddenly Takeru placed a finger on my forehead. "Listen Raiden. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I know when you eventually break this seal, you'll never forgive me. You won't be able to, and I'll understand. It's all my fault. But don't blame your mother. Don't. Just understand that this is what had to be done."
I could feel a spell being cast, and my vision began to go away.
"And if you remember anything, remember this." He cleared his throat, shifting his voice back to a cold tone. "You only have one purpose, never forget. Because should you ever forget, then that means you've lost the purpose for your pitiful existence."
At that moment, the final pillar snapped.
The entire world around me collapsed. Everything faded away into a storm of incomprehensible things. Colors, lights, sounds and words all flashed by.
So many things had been shifted. My entire understanding of who I was and the life I had lived had been shifted.
And I was alone. And I couldn't recover.
My father's words that always replayed in my mind. The reason my mother could never look me in the eyes.
My horrible habit.
I had seen it all unfold. I'd seen the truth.
And my mind began to break. It began to shatter, to fly apart. And I couldn't pick up all the pieces. I couldn't.
And that was when I felt her touch and her presence again.
■■■■■: Remember what I said. I'm your savior. Even if you can't pick up the pieces on your own, I'll do it for you.
And for one final time, my world shifted.