You're not done yet.
Those words spoken by a sweet voice permeated the muddy and murky space of my mind. Slowly, I was being pulled back, away from the light.
Slowly my mind began to un fog and clear. I was begin dragged away from the warmth. With every second my body grew colder, and my mom's angelic voice got softer
Slowly, I stretched out my fingers, reaching for the light and warmth again. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to return to that state of near euphoria I had been in before. I wanted to return to that state where my mind was blank and my body was warm, as if in an embrace.
However, despite my efforts, I was being pulled back. Into the cold. The arms that were pulling me down were cold, the air was cold, and my mind was slowly filled with thoughts that were just as cold.
■■■■■: Is it really cold? Or is that just what you want tothink?
Of course, I thought it was cold. Why wouldn't I? I had just experienced warmth, and now that warmth was missing. The only conclusion I could come to was that it had now become cold.
■■■■■: That line of thinking, and that line of reasoning is logical. However, logic can be influenced by many things.
I couldn't see the point of what she was saying. As she spoke, I continued to try and reach for the light. Slowly but surely, the light in front of me began to shift.
Like a constellation, the bright flashes seemed like stars as they shifted and moved, before finally settling into place.
It was an image of a women. Sparkling brightly with long flowing golden hair. Where her eyes would be two brilliantly bright lights stared into me.
She resembled my mother. A lot. I reached out my fingers once again and she did the same.
As our fingers inched closer to each other I could feel the heat being given off from them. With just a few more inches, our fingers would have made contact. However, at that moment another hand grabbed unto me.
Slender pale fingers that stood out in the darkness. They latched onto my arms and slowly pulled them back.
They were cool to the touch, and the coolness spread to me skin. I was being pulled away from the warmth and the light, away from the dazzling gleam of stars that was the figure of my mother.
■■■■■: Everything that you are sure of is just your perception of things. What you want to think, or what your mind forces you to believe in order for you to keep functioning.
As she spoke, I could feel her fingers trace over my body. With every touch, I flinched. Inched away, tried to pull away from her.
The feeling of her fingers tracing over my body, of her touching me, they made me disgusted.
Why?
■■■■■: In some moments, your mind warps the truth. It lies. Your own mind lies to you, in order to preserve itself.
Her fingers trailed over my face.
Tears, a whimper, something that was unbefitting of someone who was supposed to be strong came out from me.
Why did I feel this way?
■■■■■: The first step for you, Raiden, is to see the truth.
I already saw the truth. I knew the truth of everything. Raiden Chisaki was simply worthless. Unfit. Despite everyone around him who tried to help him, despite all he had, and despite all of the chances he was given, he still failed in the end.
Worthless.
An image of Kami's smiling face ruined by bruises and tears flashed in front of my mind.
■■■■■: You think you know the truth.
Her hand pulled my face backwards, dragging my eyes away from the dazzling lights, and forcing me to look at her.
Her skin was pale white, and her hair was even whiter. So much so that they seemed to shine in the darkness that surrounded us.
Her face was only inches above mine, and I analyzed each and every one of her features.
Her perfectly smooth skin, not a single mark or wrinkle. The silky-smooth texture of her hair, as tendrils spilled onto my face.
The hue of her eyes, as both vermillion circles stared directly into me.
There was no space separating our bodies. Despite the fact that she was pressed up against me, the only thing I could feel was cold.
Cold and disgust. The feeling of our bodies pressed together filled me with shame. Instinctively I tried to move away, but her grip was death tight.
■■■■■: You began to realize it now.
She commentated, as her fingers continued to trace over me. Her hands moved down to my chest, and my entire body filled with tension, stiffening like a rod.
She smiled at that reaction.
■■■■■: In order for you to figure out who you truly are, you must first confront the truth. You must get rid of the lies you created in order to go on and confront the truth.
I reached a handout, trying to break free from her grasp. Her touch and her words, they all made me feel horrible. I didn't want to be touched, and I didn't want to understand that what she was saying had reason.
I wanted to return to that light and warmth where I had no thoughts to plague me.
However, I had been ripped away from that respite, and I would not be able to return.
In one last ditch effort to break away, I thrashed, however she did not let go. Instead, her gripped tightened. Like she was showing ownership. Telling me that I couldn't break away from this.
Her smile was sad, and the look in her eyes was sympathetic. She landed in, and her lips brushed against mine.
The brief, momentary contact shocked me out of my daze, sending a jolt of lightning through my body.
■■■■■: You must face the truth.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Non-consensual.
Sexual Assault.
Rape.
Those words swam through my mind. Besides that, my mind was silent.
I was no longer sitting inside of that empty void. Now I was back, there.
A small room, with pink led's and the ceiling and walls colored pink as well. Designs of hearts and other love centered things.
Desks against the wall, along with a singular mirror.
The floor was covered in a fuzzy pink carpet, as well as pink and purple blankets.
I was sitting in the center of the room, staring at the mirror.
This was a love hotel. That much was easily noticeable. That was all of the information that you needed to know what that meant.
That was all the information that I needed to know exactly what happened.
It didn't take a genius to piece it together. This room, Eve's note, and the faint memories that I had of the experience.
It didn't take a genius to piece together what happened at all.
I just ignored it. I lied to myself because I couldn't handle the truth.
The idea that I had been raped. It wasn't just that fact. It was the fact that there was a part of me...
There was a part me that felt warmth during that moment. That felt pleasure. The compared it to how I felt hanging out with Hikaru.
That was what disgusted me. I looked away from the mirror, no longer being able to bare staring at myself.
I was disgusted by myself. I was ashamed. I couldn't face that part of me and I didn't want it to be true.
I couldn't imagine having to tell Kami that, and so I never did. I distracted her and used that moment to distract myself as well. I blotted out the truth because it hurt to realize.
Even if I was unconscious for half of it. Drugged, out like a light, for the parts I was awake, I couldn't hide behind the excuse that I was disorientated.
It still hurt in this moment. In front of me, the mirror shattered.
What the hell was her point? Seeing the truth? What did it change?
I already knew I was horrible, despicable, and shameful.
How did having the exact proof of that fact change anything? No. It only made things worse.
■■■■■: Is that all you can, see?
Her voice broke through the silence that I sat in. She was speaking cryptically once again, asking me meaningless questions.
What more was there to see. My shamefulness. My weakness. The disgusting part of me had already been blared out for me to see. I didn't need to see anymore.
Or more accurately, I couldn't handle seeing any more.
■■■■■: You've tunnel visioned. Understandable. Something horrible happened to you.
Just because it was something horrible doesn't excuse anything. It doesn't excuse the fact that a part of me probably enjo-
■■■■■: All you can see is the weakness in yourself. Your own flaws. No matter what happens to you, you can't see past what you perceive as your own misdoings and wronging's. You were drugged. Drugged to the point you passed out for hours. You were raped with you slept, only waking up momentarily to small bits and pieces. Eventually, your mind realized what was happening and it pulled away. You were never in control. You never had autonomy. You were being completely utterly dominated. So how have you managed to take the blame for everything that happened that night?
I didn't want to her hear words. I tried to crawl back, away from her voice but it was to no avail. Her words echoed throughout the room as if they were coming from speakers within the walls.
I didn't want to hear what she was saying because of how it made me feel. Completely helpless and alone. Disgusted by my own weakness and mind. She was right. I couldn't see the truth.
And I didn't want to.
■■■■■: You'd rather hide behind the same idea that it's all your fault anyways, and that you should take all of the blame so that you can justify giving up and not trying. You did it back when Kami was hurt. You did it back when Yuri slapped some sense into you. When you realize your pushing up against the boundaries of what your father defined you as, you pull away and disconnect from others.
Shut up! Just stop it! I already get it! I'm pitiful, I'm worthlesss-
■■■■■: No. You're not.
Hands wrapped around me from behind, and I could feel someone's head resting against mine.
■■■■■:Your not worthless. You are not trash. You are not just a weapon. Those words are what your father said. Those words are what you have been led to believe by the man who calls himself Takeru Chisaki.
No. It's true. It's already been proven.
■■■■■:I've already shown you. You don't know the truth Raiden. The truth you think you know. You only know the truth that your mind lets you know.
Even if what you're saying is right what does it matter. Knowing the truth will only show me how much more despicable I am. It'll only show how empty I am, and it'll only prove that there was no point for me to continue.
■■■■■: Like I said before. You need to see the whole truth in order to figure out who you truly are. In order to know who Raiden Chisaki is, you most first know the full life behind Raiden Chisaki. You can't make claims about yourself if you don't even know yourself.
There was silence. Her finger ruffled my hair a bit. I could feel her lean in, and whisper into my ear.
■■■■■: Besides. I would never let that happen. I will never let you give up. And you'll never have to handle things alone. I am your savior. So, give yourself to me, and I'll save you.
And then the room we were sitting in disappeared in a flash of light.
And I began to see the truth.