[The Lantern Festival – Part 9: The Great Roast Battle of Mo Nian & Guo Ran & Long Chen]
(As the festival continues, laughter and joyful conversations fill the air. Proposals are made, dreams are shared, and hearts open up. But suddenly, a loud voice interrupts the mood—one that no one could ever ignore. Mo Nian and Guo Ran, the two most ridiculous people in the Dragon Blood Legion, have somehow started arguing. Again.)
The Argument Begins...
Mo Nian: (pointing at Guo Ran with exaggerated disgust) "You know, Guo Ran, every time I see your face, I wonder if the heavens made a mistake when crafting it."
Guo Ran: (mock gasping, holding his chest) "How dare you! My face is a masterpiece! Meanwhile, you look like someone tried to sketch a handsome man but gave up halfway through."
Mo Nian: (grinning, cracking his knuckles) "You wanna talk about faces? I remember when we first met, I thought your face was so punchable that even the heavens sent tribulation lightning just to smack you."
Guo Ran: (laughing but then pointing aggressively) "Oh, so we're doing this now? Alright, listen here, you pathetic excuse for an archer! You call yourself an expert marksman, but I've seen blindfolded kids shoot better than you."
Mo Nian: (rolling his eyes) "Ha! Says the guy who wears more armor than a tortoise because he's too scared to take a single hit. Do you even know what pain feels like, or do you just run away the moment someone breathes in your direction?"
Guo Ran: (mock nodding in thought) "Hmm, let me think... Oh, right! At least I don't miss my shots! Do you remember that time you tried to hit a moving target and shot yourself in the foot instead?"
Mo Nian: (groaning dramatically) "IT WAS A STRATEGIC FAILURE! I WAS TESTING NEW ANGLES!"
Guo Ran: (smirking) "Oh sure, sure, 'strategic failure.' Just like how you 'strategically' ran for your life when those spirit beasts chased us. I swear, the way you screamed that day, even the beasts felt bad for you."
Mo Nian: (laughing but pretending to be hurt) "Oh, you wound me, Guo Ran! But let's not forget the time you tried to forge a legendary sword, and it exploded in your face. You looked like a roasted pig for a whole week!"
Guo Ran: (pointing angrily) "HEY! That was a calculated risk! Unlike you, who still cries when someone so much as taps him too hard. You act all tough, but I bet if I flick you right now, you'd whimper."
Mo Nian: (mock shocked, clutching his chest) "I DO NOT WHIMPER!"
Guo Ran: (grinning mischievously) "Oh really? Let me remind you of something. Remember when Long Chen punched you just a little bit during training? You lay on the ground like a crushed beetle, crying about how your precious handsome face was ruined."
Mo Nian: (dramatically clutching his face) "MY FACE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE! IT MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS!"
Guo Ran: (laughing hysterically) "A national treasure?! More like a national tragedy!"
Mo Nian: (glaring but smirking) "Says the guy whose sword broke in battle because it was too stylish and not functional."
Guo Ran: (raising his arms in frustration) "EXCUSE ME?! STYLE IS IMPORTANT! I CAN'T HELP THAT MY WORK IS TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THE WORLD TO HANDLE!"
Mo Nian: (mock sighing, shaking his head) "Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that. Meanwhile, real warriors like me—"
Guo Ran: (cutting him off, eyes wide in mock shock) "REAL WARRIORS?! You?! The same guy who once got scared of his own reflection because you thought it was an enemy?"
Mo Nian: (face turning red) "THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"
Guo Ran: (grinning) "Oh, but it did. We were in a cave, you saw your own reflection in a pool of water, and you screamed 'AMBUSH!' before shooting an arrow at yourself."
Mo Nian: (crossing his arms, muttering) "Stupid reflective water… deceptive and evil…"
The Fight Begins...
(By now, a crowd has gathered, everyone laughing at their ridiculous bickering. But suddenly—)
Mo Nian: (growling playfully, stepping closer) "Alright, that's it. I'm gonna slap that dumb smirk off your face."
Guo Ran: (grinning, cracking his knuckles) "Oh yeah? Bring it on, Pretty Boy!"
(And with that, Mo Nian lunges at Guo Ran, tackling him to the ground!)
Mo Nian: (grunting, trying to pin Guo Ran down) "Say I'm handsome!"
Guo Ran: (laughing, shoving him off) "NEVER!"
(They roll around, throwing punches—not real ones, but childish, exaggerated ones that barely land. At one point, Mo Nian manages to sit on Guo Ran's chest, but Guo Ran yanks him down by his hair, making Mo Nian yelp.)
Mo Nian: (kicking wildly) "OW! LET GO OF MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"
Guo Ran: (laughing, pulling harder) "IT'S TOO FLUFFY, IT'S LIKE A DAMN SHEEP'S WOOL!"
Mo Nian: (grabbing Guo Ran's cheek and stretching it painfully) "You talk too much, let me help with that."
Guo Ran: (muffled, flailing) "Yuh trrrna killl mee!?"
(Suddenly, Guo Ran bites Mo Nian's hand! Mo Nian howls in pain and retaliates by biting Guo Ran's ear!)
Mo Nian: (muffled, biting down) "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!"
Guo Ran: (kicking him in the stomach lightly, laughing) "STOP BITING ME, YOU ANIMAL!"
(By now, they've started a full-on wrestling match. Mo Nian smacks Guo Ran's forehead. Guo Ran pulls Mo Nian's nose. Mo Nian throws sand in Guo Ran's face. Guo Ran kicks Mo Nian's shin. It looks less like a fight and more like two kids having the dumbest slap battle in history.)
The Aftermath...
(After minutes of rolling around like idiots, they both collapse onto the ground, panting, covered in dirt, hair messed up, clothes torn, but both laughing like crazy.)
Guo Ran: (wheezing between laughs, wiping his tears) "Damn… that was the dumbest fight we've ever had."
Mo Nian: (groaning, rubbing his bruised arm) "I swear, you're the worst. But also… that was fun."
Guo Ran: (grinning, offering a hand to help him up) "Next time, let's fight with actual weapons."
Mo Nian: (grinning back, taking the hand) "Yeah, but only if I get to hit you first."
(As they stand, the crowd that had gathered around bursts into applause and cheers. The Dragon Blood Legion members, who had been doubled over laughing, whistle and clap as Mo Nian and Guo Ran give dramatic bows.)
Lingering Laughter...
Random Warrior #1: (wiping tears from laughing too much) "That was better than any battle I've ever seen."
Random Warrior #2: (grinning) "They should just do comedy shows instead of fighting."
Long Chen: (walking up, shaking his head in amusement) "You two idiots never change."
Mo Nian & Guo Ran: (grinning at each other, then at Long Chen, saying at the same time) "Never!"
Long Chen: (voice calm but menacing, eyes locked on Mo Nian and Guo Ran) "Enough."
The crowd went eerily silent. No one dared to speak. Even Mo Nian and Guo Ran, who had been roaring with laughter just moments ago, suddenly found themselves holding their breath.
Mo Nian & Guo Ran: (swallowing nervously, both exchanging uneasy glances) "Uh-oh…"
Long Chen: (staring at them for a long, uncomfortable moment, then speaking in a low growl) "You two idiots… You think this is a game?"
Mo Nian and Guo Ran instantly shrank back, their typical confidence now replaced with fear. But Long Chen's serious expression quickly turned into something unexpected.
Long Chen: (sighing dramatically) "You guys are such fucking fools." (He clenches his fist and, in one swift motion, punches both of them in the stomach.)
Mo Nian & Guo Ran: (simultaneously gasping for air and groaning) "Oof…!"
Long Chen: (looking down at them with a grin, mocking) "You two are nothing but a bunch of scaredy-cats, seriously. I swear, if I ever needed someone to run away from a fight, I'd call you two up in a heartbeat."
The crowd erupts in laughter, as even Long Chen's lovers and parents are taken aback by how seriously he had scolded Mo Nian and Guo Ran. They weren't used to seeing Long Chen so stern, but the way he delivered his roast was classic Long Chen.
Mo Nian: (rubbing his sore stomach, feigning indignation but smiling sheepishly) "What's that supposed to mean?! You wanna go again, Long Chen?"
Guo Ran: (pushing himself up from the ground, also grinning now, rubbing his bruised ribs) "Yeah Boss! You can't just punch us and expect us to take it without saying anything!"
Long Chen: (crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow) "Oh, you want to talk back now, huh?"
Mo Nian & Guo Ran: (in unison, grinning widely and cracking their knuckles) "Yep. It's time for some payback."
Without warning, Mo Nian and Guo Ran, now working as a team, simultaneously launch themselves at Long Chen. They begin to shout insults while delivering playful punches, kicks, and even throwing sand in Long Chen's face. But Long Chen is quick to react, dodging and countering their attacks with his own quick jabs and witty remarks.
Long Chen: (dodging an incoming kick from Guo Ran, then landing a swift punch to his side) "Honestly, Guo Ran, I think you're about as useful as a rusty sword. No offense, but I've seen more fighting spirit in a puddle of water."
Guo Ran: (laughing but getting frustrated) "What's that supposed to mean? My weapons are top-notch, thank you very much!"
Long Chen: (grinning, tapping Guo Ran's shoulder lightly) "Top-notch? Your 'top-notch' sword was the one that broke when it touched a single finger of mine! What did you do, add extra glitter to make it shiny?"
The crowd roars with laughter as Guo Ran looks like he's about to explode.
Mo Nian: (mocking Long Chen's stance as he throws a punch at him, only for Long Chen to easily dodge it) "Oh, you're one to talk, Long Chen! The way you run around pretending to be invincible, it's honestly pathetic. What's your secret? Do you just absorb all the strength of everyone else around you? Oh wait, I know! You're really a scarecrow with a sword, huh?"
Long Chen: (dodging the punch and leaning in to whisper in Mo Nian's ear) "If I'm a scarecrow, then you're the cornstalk that's too weak to stand straight. You know, I've seen stronger men in the cooking pot than you."
Mo Nian stands there, frozen for a second, clearly caught off guard. He stares at Long Chen, mouth open in shock, but then he laughs it off.
Mo Nian: (grinning mischievously) "Nice try, Long Chen, but I bet you can't keep up with both of us. Let's see if you can handle two of the funniest guys in the Dragon Blood Legion!"
Long Chen: (laughing wickedly, cracking his knuckles) "Oh, I'm more than ready."
With that, the battle of insults and punches begins in earnest. Mo Nian and Guo Ran work together, moving in tandem, launching clever insults and jokes while throwing playful punches and kicks at Long Chen. Long Chen, however, is a seasoned fighter, easily dodging their attacks while roasting them mercilessly.
Mo Nian: (throwing a wild punch at Long Chen's face, only for it to miss completely) "I can't believe it! We're gonna roast you into submission, you can't dodge forever!"
Guo Ran: (mocking his own fear) "Yeah, don't run away like you did last time, you coward!"
Long Chen: (dodging another punch and then flipping both of them onto the ground with a quick sweep of his leg) "You guys really think you can roast me? You're more like a campfire trying to burn down a mountain. Your insults are weak, just like your fighting!"
Mo Nian: (laughing as he stands up, shaking dirt off his clothes) "Is that so? Then get ready to eat our words!"
Guo Ran: (jumping up and delivering a playful punch to Long Chen's side) "Yeah, here comes the roast of the century, Boss!"
Long Chen: (grinning widely, blocking both their punches with ease) "Oh, you guys think you can roast me? You're more like two pieces of stale bread pretending to be a full meal."
Mo Nian and Guo Ran both stop mid-punch, wide-eyed. They glance at each other in disbelief, but then they both break into laughter.
Mo Nian & Guo Ran: (in unison) "Okay, okay, you win this time, Long Chen/Boss."
Long Chen: (still grinning, shaking his head) "You two couldn't roast me if you tried. I'm the master of roasting, and you two are just my apprentices."
After a few more minutes of playful fighting and roasting, both sides are exhausted, but there's no denying that this has been one of the most entertaining battles ever witnessed by the Dragon Blood Legion.
Long Chen: (suddenly stopping, out of breath but still smiling) "Alright, alright. I've had enough of this. You two can go back to your little 'roast master' routine."
Mo Nian: (gasping for breath, hands on his knees) "You're too much, Long Chen. I'll admit, you've got the upper hand today."
Guo Ran: (laughing, though clearly winded) "Yeah, yeah, but next time, we're teaming up again, and we're coming for you!"
Long Chen: (grinning mischievously) "Bring it on. I'll be waiting."
And just like that, the festival continues, now filled with even more laughter than before, thanks to the most ridiculous fight in Dragon Blood Legion history.