Rafael's sleepy eyes still fixed on mine, he places his hand firmly on my thigh, and I feel an energy rush through my entire body, so I shut my eyes.
"Did he touch you here?" He whispers into my neck, giving me goosebumps.
"Yes." I whimper with a tremble in my voice.
I feel all my strength leave me and I can't help but try to get his hand off of me. I hate feeling helpless. Just then, he grabbed my hands with his one big hand and places them above my head.
"You're my wife, you chose this yourself, and in this case you gave me authority. Stop resisting." He growls in anger I guess. I'm not sure if it's anger, of jealousy. He runs his hand up my thigh the way that man had run his hand up my thigh.
"Did he touch you like this?" He asks me, his breaths getting heavier and his chest rising and falling fast, his grey eyes still fixed on mine.
"Yes" I respond, eyes shut all my strength gone.
"No one else should touch you except for me. No other man should touch you except me." He again whispers in my ear and his beard caresses my cheek sending shivers of excitement down my spine again.
Just when I thought he was done he went down on his knees and as I was about to shut my eyes again he gave me a stern look.
"Keep your eyes on me. Don't dare shut them." He says, his voice deeper than normal, his eyes darker than usual. He then proceeded to lace my thighs with wet kisses, and every kiss of his was a trip to heaven. He stared at me intensely as I struggled not to roll my eyes back in pleasure. He left love bites allover my thighs I looked like a walking tomato.
"Did he kiss you like that?" He hissed mid kissing the life out of me.
"Yes" I whimper again.
"No one will ever lay their lips on you again, except me. No one will ever dare kiss you except me" he said his voice becoming more possessive with every word. He slowly stood, his eyes still on mine. He then turned my back to face him and pinned me on the wall. As he put his body against mine, I could feel his member harden against my ass.
I shut my eyes as I started to imagine what he was going to do to me. He pushed my hair to one side then proceeded to place gentle kisses on my neck, as he still held my hands above my head and his other hand was wrapped around my waist. As he kissed me, his kisses grew deeper and more aggressive. Soon enough he was nibbling on me and I could feel his hard pound against his chest and his breathing obviously increased significantly. He kissed my neck harder and pressed my hands harder such that I started to feel pain in my hands. His kisses were now possessive and everywhere his lips touched they left a trail of hickeys. Then suddenly he stopped and whispered to my ear.
"The fact that I said that no one else is supposed to touch you doesn't mean that I accept you. And this doesn't mean that I forgive you. You got me into this mess and you forgot and pulled yourself in it as well. So now neither will I give you what you so desperately need, nor will I ever allow you to get from anyone else."
He then let go of me in disgust and walked out if the shower. I felt a throbbing pain from my hand but the pain from my heart was way more than that. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I was a fool again. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he would have developed feelings for me. But I thought wrong. He didn't even stop hating me, let alone develop feelings for me. I fell to my knees, feeling a sharp pain in my bullet wound. But no matter how much physical pain I was in, nothing would come near let alone compare to the emotional hurt I was going through.
After a while, I composed myself and switched off the cold water. I took my towel and slowly dried myself. I didn't even know what I was thinking, but I wasn't there. My mind was definitely somewhere else. Maybe I deserved this as payback for what I did to him. He was probably right to hate me. No one ever loved me anyway. I look up at myself in the mirror and she stares back at me.
"Are you still going to live like this Jasmine?" She asks me.
I tilt my head slightly like a psycho, still lost in thought.
"What's the point. I don't want to anymore. I don't want to live anymore." I replied ever so casually.
"It was my fault. Why haven't you ever tried explaining it to him?" She asks me.
"So that he tells me I'm making excuses and I don't want to take responsibility for my actions? Besides, love just isn't in the cards for me. Neither did my parents love me, neither did my brothers nor Rafael. I feel like I'm living an empty life. All because Rafael won't let me live and he won't let me die either." I reply sobbing "Do you know what I hate the most about myself, it's that I love him so much, I really really do. I can't live like this anymore. I can't pay for your mistakes all my life. I admit I owe you but please choose someone else." I say and immediately look away.
As I walk out with my towel on I spot Rafael on the dinner table with my side vision, but I completely ignore him and head to the bedroom. Something is different now. The way he expressed his hate towards me, that was my breaking point. I didn't want to stay here anymore. So I put on my sleeping gown and I headed to the guestroom, locking the door behind me. As I lay in bed staring at the empty celling, I replay my life again in my mind, tears slowly streaming from my eyes. I had really done Rafael shady, but I believe I have done enough punishment for that. I realized then that apart from repentance to Rafael, I had no purpose in life. I was merely existing. It was all worth nothing. My whole life was a waste. Then why live it if it was so miserable. After thinking for a while, I decided to end it all.
I took the house keys and I left. He didn't even turn to look my direction. I headed slowly to the bridge, doubting my every step. I wasn't sure if what I was doing but I was sure that nothing could be worse than the life I was living. Was I even living? Cars sed past me as drivers yelled at me for not moving away from the road, but it's either I didn't listen or I didn't care. I walked slowly, untill I felt the cold breeze of the river on my bare skin. It was as cold as my life. I slightly laughed at the irony. Maybe after all this, Rafael would get the peace he was longing for, and he would rest easy. Finally, he would move on and find someone that he loves and they will live a happy life. In the chase to get what I wanted I guess I forgot to calculate the consequences. Or maybe this was all for the greater good. I say at the edge, as I noticed not many people were here today. I felt that it was all God's plan.
Never in all my life would I have imagined I would reach a point to commit suicide. Was the sin I committed that grave? Did I really not deserve forgiveness at all. I slowly started to bring back that painful memory that I had tried so much to forget.