This ultimately just circles back to excuses being made and the cycle continuing, starting all over again from the beginning. A vicious cycle of behaviors being condoned for so long – rears its ugly head when it doesn't get its way one time. When I would hear the garage door open knowing it was him, I would get severe anxiety and have miniature panic attacks, complete with hyperventilation, whisking away to my room as quickly as I could as I never wanted to be in his company. I would beg momma to leave him almost every day after school before he got home from work if this tells you anything.
Everything came to a head one night when I got so scared of my dad that I rushed to Bryce's house, where he and his parents worked together to hide my vehicle in their garage. They made sure I knew they were there for me and had my back... that night was very intense, and Bryce and his family will probably never know just how grateful I was that I had them when I needed them and their help.
My mom had finally had enough, there was finally a straw heavy enough to break the camel's back, and that camel was now outta commission. She kicked my dad out of quote, "his house," unquote, that he kicked me out of, filed for divorce that same week, and within what seemed like a matter of minutes, had temporary emergency restraining orders against my dad applicable to all of us.
That most certainly did not stop him from trying to contact us or break into the house, though. I say break-in because by that time, restraining orders were now in place, therefore locks on the house had all been changed. After my mom filed for divorce and my dad moved out of the house with a police escort, I would switch back and forth between staying at my mom's and Bryce's house so I could pack more of my things up in preparation to move out completely once Bryce and I said: "I do."
A lot of things have transpired between my dad and me over the years – some good, some not so good. By this time, the restraining order had been dropped, and I believe my parents had already been to at least one kind of legal thing for my brother's custody arrangement. My dad seemed to think he had more power than the legal system – because when it came time to discuss the custody agreement for my little brother, they said, in no uncertain terms, I was too old to be told what to do.
I guess my dad didn't get that memo.
Anyhow, this takes us to the day my dad technically broke into the house. One day, while my mom was out, (I don't recall where she was, but she wasn't home at the time – I know that much) when suddenly, I was awoken by someone trying to gain entry to the house. There should have been no one trying to get in – I knew my momma wasn't home and I knew not to expect her home for a while, my dad no longer had access to the home. My brother and I were the only ones allowed in the house whenever, and if I remember correctly, I was the only one with a copy of the house key other than momma. My brother was with my dad per the custody agreement, having no reason for trying to gain entry at that time – let alone be there without my mom present to let him inside.
To clear things up, he was not supposed to be doing this – however, this lone incident would also be the least of his legal woes in the years to come.
For the longest time, to check and see if I just so happened to be there... the relentless doorbell ringing tactic to try and get my attention was employed. Knocking at a very loud volume was also put on the list of attempts made to enter the home.
When he tried unlocking the front door, he was met with no luck, as we had those locks changed.
When he tried unlocking the back door, he was met with no luck once again, as we had those locks changed, as well.
When he tried unlocking the door that led from the backyard to inside the garage, he was met with no luck once more, as we had those locks changed, also.
We had a three-car garage – the two-car one, he could not access. But the single third one, he conveniently still had a key to and was able to open it. Fortunately for me, every single door that could access the house interior was locked – so just because he was able to enter the garage, he couldn't get inside the actual house part of the home. Not only was my dad doing this when he wasn't legally supposed to be, but he also brought my brother... my minor brother... along with him to do it. After seeing my car in the garage, however, he now knew I was home... he now focused his efforts on getting my attention so I would let him in the house.
I've kept a lot of this bottled up inside for many years. I felt pain, hurt, all sorts of emotions given how my dad treated me. There's that age-old adage that's also a modern-day proverb – you know the one.
Always forgive.
Never forget.
You know... that mantra.
I've more than forgiven him over the years, but with that, I've also not forgotten. But, I have stopped expecting an apology – I know I'll never get one of those, though I will give credit where credit is due. I will admit that I think he has tried apologizing over the years in a way that suits his comfort level more, if that makes sense. Over the years, my dad and I have tried reconciling to get back to having a healthy father/daughter relationship on multiple occasions, to no avail. Despite him claiming he didn't love me and never has; I truly believe we genuinely love one another unconditionally. Though I can't speak for him – I want to believe that to be the case. I mean, he may have caused my family and me a lot of grief over the years, but he's still my biological dad.
I'll always love him, always have, always will... despite his feelings towards me, he's my dad and I love him very much. I just wish I could have continued being Daddy's Little Girl, even after he apparently stopped viewing me as such.
Things just – I don't know. I don't exactly know how to say what I'm trying to convey through words, so I won't, at least not as far as that is concerned. I don't want anything I have to say to be either intentionally or unintentionally misinterpreted, ya know what I mean?
I'm just gonna assume you know what I mean, so we can move along.
Discussion about my dad is kind of a sore topic for me to talk about. I'm journaling this and putting it out there in hopes that should someone need to hear something I have to say, it when they hear it in additional hopes that it helps them somehow. Even if it's just hearing something that resonates with them, even if it's knowing you're not the only one experiencing those silent stressors or, even just knowing you're not alone out there.
As far as my dad being the topic of discussion, he will come back up a few more times in this story, so just be prepared for that, I suppose.
Things get even worse... just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.
The strength of our family – or the lack thereof – proved to be a difficult challenge for my brother to cope with. I had always submitted and accepted responsibility for things I was never responsible for whenever my dad needed someone to blame – a scapegoat. I could be easily manipulated and molded like putty in the wrong person's hands. I'm so happy to announce that I always got red flags, I just never listened to them. Now I get them and never ignore them. I'm also happy to announce that I am no longer a welcome mat for people to scrape the bottoms of their shoes on anymore, either. I'm standing up for myself from this moment forward.
Not only that, but I discovered some time ago that holding on to anger only makes that anger live rent-free in my head – no one else's. I can remember what you did and how you made me feel, and I can still be annoyed that you did it, but I'm not gonna harp on it. I was constantly stressed and tense, as I would hold onto every little thing that upset me and held grudges.
I finally had to tell myself, "Self... ain't nobody got time for that."
The amount of stress compared to then versus now is comparable only to night and day. The tension isn't as intense as it used to be. I feel better than I've felt in a long time since deciding to let things go and just be.
Move on. Move forward.
Not only does it live in your brain and your heart rent-free, but willingly harboring all that resentment and negativity, personally, was just not working for me.
Let's switch it up a little bit, as things are getting a little too serious here – and we can't have that, can we? I believe keeping things light keeps us somewhat sane around here.
I specified somewhat sane – let's not jump to extremes, now.
With that – let's get to the wedding. The cordial event, itself, was amazing while also so very interesting... and that's putting it mildly. Let's dive in.