Samantha
Ever just woke up and was done with everything? That was me.
Rage seemed to boil in my blood as I slept and I woke up in an enraged state.
"Get out! Get out!" I shout at him as I push him off the bed.
"But Sam, what the hell did I do?!" Jared jumps up from the floor, in shock.
Its been a while since he's seen me this mad.
I reward myself daily, pats on the back, for having alot of patience but 5 years and 1 child deep into this relationship and my patience is non-exisitant.
"Nothing?!" I stand up, body shaking, my anxiety is through the roof today. It's ok, I'll hyperventilate later.
"What-" he gets cut short by the knock on my bedroom door.
"Everything alright?" My mom asks peeking in.
I rub my hands over my face. I walk over to the door scooping my son up from the floor as I pass him.
"Everythings fine ma, can you hold him for a bit?"
She gives me a small smile that soon stretches across her entire face as she takes Alex from my arms.
"Hows my big boy?!" She cooes at him.
"Gramma!" He chuckles.
As soon as my mom leaves I drag my feet back over to the bed and plop myself down with my head between my knees.
"What did I do?" Jared's voice seems to crack as he speaks. Now I know this is gonna be harder than I want it to be.
"You don't do anything. I have 2 jobs and school, and YOU don't do anything."
"Its about money isn't it?" He lets out an angry chuckle. "When I was working there were no problems. Once I get fired you can't seem to stand me!"
I sit up and roll my eyes at him.
"You didn't get fired, you stopped going." I shoot back and get no response.
"You're lazy! I do everything while you sit at home and play games."
"What?! I watch our son, and cook dinner-"
I hold my hand up for him to be quiet.
"Let me stop you there. Watching him doesnt mean sit him in his highchair all day and yeah you cook but half the time its burnt because you don't pay attention."
"But I'm trying to make it easier on you, no?"
This time I'm the one to laugh. He isn't making anything easier. My son would sit in his highchair all day while Jared sat on his ass and played video games. When he did let him out he would allow him to destroy our room because he wasn't paying attention to him.
Three people and one dog living out of my childhood bedroom in my moms house.
Too many things for him to get his hands on.
I would come home from school and have to clean the room, walk the dog, and take care of my son. After that its either eat, shower, or sleep for an hour before I have to get up and go to work.
"Did you fill out any applications yesterday?" I mumble.
"No I didn't."
"Why?" I watch as his eyes study my face, him consimplating on what would be the right answer to not set me off.
"I don't know. I can do them today or tomorrow."
"WHAT?!" Wrong answer. "You have been saying that for the past 4 months! An application doesnt get done unless I do it for you and I am tired of doing them for you!" Frankly, I I'm just tired period.
I ball my hands at my sides and its at this point he is lucky I didn't come out like my father because I would be punching his lights out right now.
"You don't care about me!" I shout at the top of my lungs.
"Sam, how can you say that?" His brown eyes sadden.
"Because if you did you would notice how drained, how stressed, how depressed I've been." I cross my arms over my chest and slide my hands up and down them trying to console myself and control my anxiety.
"You never say anything." I can't believe him.
I drop my arms back to my sides. He is right, I never complain. I never complain because I am doing my best to take care of my family and to me having the resources to do that is never something to complain about. If anything I am grateful. However, it hurt that he doesn't care enough to notice me struggling and if he did notice he doesn't care enough to help me. He doesnt care that I never sleep, or barely have time for my son, let alone myself.
"Is this why you don't even kiss me anymore? Cause I don't have a job?" He cringes.
"Its not about you not having a job Jared. Its about you not trying to ease my stress, to help me support our family."
"Like I said you never said a word."
"Never said a word? How about me saying that I'm tired...or me crying cause i just got home from school and I have to leave my son AGAIN in an hour because I have to go to work?!" He runs his fingers through his short curly brown hair.
"I will fill out the applications tomorrow.." he mumbles under his breath.
I watch him as he walks over to the tv and turns it on. He unfolds the folding chair in the corner of the room and places it in front of the entertainment system. He grabs his game controller and turns on the gaming console. The nerve.
"No." I nearly growl at him. "I don't want to do this anymore!"
He looks back at me puzzled.
"I think you should get your stuff and go to your brothers." I rush out.
He shoots his head back like if I slapped him with a sack of rocks.
"Seriously?" He musters through a clenched jaw. He is pissed.
"Seriously.." I look away, his stern gaze a tad intimidating.
"What about our son?" He smirks, "gonna take care of him all by yourself?"
Asshole.
"I'll drop out of school, my mom can watch him overnight while I work." He shook his head.
"All of this for what? To get back together when I get a job? You know thats the only issue here!" He challeneged.
He was so sure of himself that I gave a crap about him having a job.
"We can discuss visitations or custody for Alex once you're ready. Text, don't call." I counter as I grab an empty duffle bag from under my bed and hold it out to him.
He is redendered speechless. He gets up snatches the bag from my hands and starts angerily packing his belongings.
I sit silently watching him. Part of me wants to stop him. Not that I changed my mind about how I feel but because its been us for 5 years. I am so use to him and use to us. We were together since highschool. Lost my virginty to him, became the mother of his child, but this had to be done. He showed me over the last year how he isn't mature enough to handle a family. He showed me he was still putting himself first, even before his son. I fell out of love real quick. I can't be with someone who Isn't going to care and be a good father figure for my son. He finishes packing his things and stands by the door staring at me for what seemed like hours but was probably just 10 minutes.
"Can I see my son before I go?" He finally asks, with an attitude.
"Of course."
I walk pass him and as I reach for the door knob he grabs my forearm tightly in his hand.
"I love you." He mumbles. I snatch my arm from him and swing the bedroom door open.
"MOM!" I shout down the hall.
Before I know it she is bouncing down the hall with Alex in her arms still. His baby giggles lifting my heavy heart and making me smile.
I reach out for him.
She gives him a big kiss on the cheek and hands him over.
"Thanks! I'll come to your room in a little." I say before closing the door.
Jared reaches out and Alex leaps right into his fathers arms.
"Hey little man," his voice trembles "I'm gonna go for a while ok? But I will see you often, ok?" His watery eyes searches our sons for an answer, Alex responding with giggles and drooly smiles.
I turn away getting choked up myself.
It's not that I don't love or care about him anymore. I just know I am not IN love with him anymore.
After a good 20 mins of him holding Alex, Jared gives him back to me; His duffle bag replacing his son in his arms.
"Are we really done?" He mumbles as he grips the door knob.
"I'm just not in love anymore." I frown up at him. "It's really not the money."
"Ok." He shakes his head.
With that he is gone. My ability to remain calm leaves with him and I cry. I cry hard. 5 years of my life i spent building what I thought would be my family, all for nothing. For the foundation to crumble down to dust and leave me wondering how on earth will I rebuild it on my own.
After the morning skies drift off to night, and Alex lays sleeping in the bed I wonder off to my mothers room. There I cry again as she rubs my back.
"If this is what you really want, I support it." She offers me a small smile.
I knod. It is what I want.
"Then just know this temporary pain is saving you from a whole life worth. You will be happy my baby." She hugs me tight.
After calming down and leaving my mothers room with a red blotchy face, I crawl into my bed next to Alex. I snuggle him close hoping my selfish decisions would not cause his happiness to fade.
I doze off wondering how it will feel waking up alone tomorrow and everyday after.