Kimberly sat stiffly across from the guy her friends had practically forced her to meet. The table between them felt more like a chasm, the awkwardness hanging thick in the air. She could barely make eye contact, the pressure of the blind date weighing down on her chest. This was supposed to be fun, light-hearted—a way to dip her toes back into the dating pool. But instead, it was all wrong. Every word that came out of his mouth grated on her nerves.
"So, uh, what do you do for fun?" The man, Ryan—no, wait, that wasn't his name, it was Alex or maybe Andrew—fidgeted with his drink, glancing at her with expectant eyes.
Kimberly forced a smile, trying to keep her composure. "I like to stay busy with work. You know, digital marketing. Nothing too exciting."
The guy nodded as if he understood, though she could tell he didn't. It was the usual pattern. He didn't really care to hear about her work; he just wanted to fill the silence with small talk. Every word that escaped his mouth felt like a reminder that this was exactly why she didn't want to date again. Why it wasn't worth the effort.
She shifted in her seat, pulling her jacket tighter around herself. Every time she glanced at him, she was reminded of the way people expected her to "move on," as if that could erase what had happened. As if going on a date with a stranger would fix the broken pieces of her heart.
"Well, I like to go hiking on weekends," the man continued, still trying to make conversation, "Maybe we could, you know, hike together sometime. If you're into that sort of thing."
Kimberly's mind blanked. Hike? With him? She couldn't even bear the thought of spending another minute here.
She forced another smile. "I'm not much of a hiker," she said softly, hoping he'd take the hint. But he didn't. Instead, he kept talking about his weekend plans, oblivious to the fact that she had already tuned out. The room felt smaller, suffocating.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and for a second, she allowed herself to be distracted, grateful for the brief escape. She glanced at the screen. Audrey.
Audrey: How's the date going?
Kimberly stared at the message for a long moment. Should she lie? Say it was great, that things were going smoothly? It wasn't worth the effort. She typed quickly:
Kimberly: It's fine... not really feeling it. I think I'm going to leave soon.
As if on cue, the guy across from her kept talking. "You know, hiking's a great way to get to know someone. Maybe you'd like it if you gave it a try. I think we could have some fun together."
Kimberly fought the urge to roll her eyes. She wasn't here to make friends or find fun in activities she didn't enjoy. She was here because her friends had insisted on it, and now she just wanted to escape.
With a deep breath, she excused herself from the table, smiling politely, though her insides were in turmoil. "Excuse me," she said, standing up. "I'm not feeling well. I think I'm going to head out."
He blinked, clearly taken aback. "Oh, uh, okay. I hope you feel better."
Kimberly didn't even wait for him to finish his sentence before she grabbed her purse and hurried out of the restaurant, the cool air outside hitting her like a welcome relief. She took in a deep breath, letting it fill her lungs. This was why she hated dating. The forced conversations, the empty promises of finding someone who "gets" her. She wasn't ready for any of it.
As she walked briskly down the sidewalk, her mind drifted to the walls she'd built around herself. The emotional armor she'd worn for years, ever since everything had fallen apart. She was good at shutting people out, especially men. They didn't deserve to get in.
Her phone buzzed again, snapping her back to reality. It was Audrey.
Audrey: You okay?
Kimberly stared at the screen, the weight of the moment pressing on her. She didn't know what to say. Lying felt pointless. She wasn't okay. She hadn't been okay in a long time. She wasn't sure when she'd be okay again.
Kimberly: I'll be fine. Just need some time alone.
She didn't want to explain. She didn't want to talk about why she couldn't open up. Audrey would probably just tell her she was being too hard on herself again. Maybe she was, but it was easier this way. Easier to keep her distance, to shut herself off from anything that could hurt her.
She walked for a while, trying to clear her head, but the weight of it all kept following her, like a shadow that wouldn't leave.
…
Kimberly walked through the door of their apartment, the familiar scent of Audrey's lavender-scented candles filling the air. She didn't even need to look around to know Audrey was probably on the couch, scrolling through her phone or flipping through a magazine. Her best friend was the one who insisted she try dating again, even if it meant getting her to endure awkward, forced blind dates.
Kimberly dropped her purse on the table and let out a long sigh, the exhaustion from the evening finally settling into her bones. She knew Audrey would want to know all the details, but she wasn't in the mood to explain. Not tonight. Not ever.
"How did it go?" Audrey called out from the living room, not even looking up.
Kimberly stood still for a moment, collecting her thoughts, her mind racing. "It was fine," she said, her voice flat, devoid of any emotion. "Just not my thing."
Audrey peered over the top of the couch, her brows raised. "Not your thing? You didn't even tell me who the guy was. You must've had a pretty good time if you're already home."
Kimberly shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips, though it didn't reach her eyes. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to talk about how uncomfortable it had been or how she'd practically sprinted out of the restaurant. "Really, Audrey, there's nothing to say. He wasn't... what I was looking for. I'm just not interested."
Audrey lowered her phone and stood up, walking over to where Kimberly was standing. "You're still not telling me the details, are you?" she asked, her voice soft but persistent. "Come on, Kim, I want to know. What happened?"
Kimberly let out a breath, running a hand through her hair. She could feel the familiar walls going up around her, but Audrey wasn't going to let her off so easily tonight. The last thing she wanted was to talk about how awkward it had felt to sit across from a man she didn't know, someone who had no idea who she really was. No idea about her past. No idea why she shut herself off from everyone.
"I'm just... not ready for this," Kimberly admitted, the words coming out in a rush. "It's just all too much right now."
Audrey's eyes softened, understanding creeping into her expression. She placed a hand on Kimberly's shoulder, her tone more gentle now. "I get it. But I want you to stop shutting out every guy who looks your way, Kim. You can't hide from love forever. You deserve someone who makes you feel something real."
Kimberly shrugged, a small, sarcastic laugh escaping her lips. "What's the point? Every guy I meet just makes me feel... uncomfortable. Like I'm supposed to fit into some box I don't even want to be in. They're all just... not worth it."
Audrey raised an eyebrow, her curiosity piqued. "Okay, so tell me, what is your perfect man, then? What does he look like? What does he do? Give me some kind of clue, because so far, every guy I've set you up with is just a reminder of why you've built this wall around yourself. So what exactly is it that would make a guy worth your interest?"
Kimberly froze. Her heart skipped a beat, and for the first time, she found herself at a loss for words. Audrey's question lingered in the air, pulling her into uncomfortable territory. She hadn't thought about this. Not in a long time. What kind of man could she trust? What did she really want, if she ever allowed herself to feel something again?
Audrey waited, watching her, trying to figure out what was going on inside Kimberly's head. The silence stretched between them, and Kimberly could feel the weight of her best friend's gaze. The question was simple, yet it forced her to confront something she'd been avoiding for years.
Kimberly swallowed, her mind a blur of conflicting emotions. "I don't know," she finally said, her voice quieter than usual. "I guess... I guess I just want someone who understands me. Who gets that I don't need to be saved or fixed. I want someone who can see me for who I really am, not just... a project."
Audrey nodded slowly, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "That sounds like a pretty good starting point." She paused before adding, "But don't shut yourself off completely, Kim. You're not going to find someone if you're not willing to let them in. You don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to have it all figured out. But don't keep pushing people away because you're scared of what might happen."
Kimberly's breath caught in her throat, her eyes welling up for a brief second, though she quickly blinked it away. Audrey's words felt like a challenge, a reminder of everything she'd been hiding from. She had been so focused on keeping her heart protected, locked away behind walls so high that she'd forgotten what it felt like to be seen—to be understood.
But could she really let someone in again?
"I don't know if I can do that," Kimberly whispered, the vulnerability in her voice surprising even herself.
Audrey's hand tightened on her shoulder, offering silent support. "You don't have to do it all at once, Kim. Just take baby steps. And remember, you don't have to do it alone. You've got me."
Kimberly managed a small smile, grateful for Audrey's unwavering presence in her life. But deep down, she knew that the walls she'd built were not so easily torn down. They were part of her now, part of who she had become after everything that had happened. And as much as Audrey wanted to help, only one person could break through those walls.
And that person wasn't here yet.