Cassey's pov
I hate the thought of going to school.
There was a time I didn't, though it seems like ages ago.
Staring at the white ceiling above me, tracing the design patterns, listening to 'Roslyn by bon Iver, St. Vincent, seemed to be the only things keeping my fears at bay.
I wanted to lay here, in my bed, away from the world beyond my bedroom door, away from people and everyone.
Ding dong.
Someone was at the door.
Most likely kai.
Which meant I'd have to get ready to go school.
Sitting up, facing my room mirror, I stare at the girl in the mirror, but I don't recognize her. It's like I'm looking at a character I've written but can no longer remember the details of—someone whose story I've long since lost track of.
The face staring back at me feels like a draft, incomplete, missing the words that used to define who I was. I should know her. I used to be her—the girl who could fill notebooks with stories, whose thoughts spilled onto pages like ink that had no end. But now, it's as if all the ink has dried up, leaving behind only a blank space where I once existed.
I run my fingers along the edge of my skin wanting to rewrite this version of myself, wanting to fix whatever part of the plot got lost. I used to write my own narrative, shape my world with words. But now, I can't even find the right words to write myself back into existence. The girl in the mirror? She's a stranger, and no amount of rewriting will make her feel like me again.
Sighing, i wished the school hadn't given me a gap year, I didn't plan on going back there.
Not everyone knows what happened a year ago and I'd like it to stay like that forever.
A soft knock on the door jolts me from my thoughts
"Cass, you up?" Kai's voice eases a bit of my tension. He's been with me for years, since we were little ants, I can't imagine what I would do without him. And now that my guardian has insisted on me going back to school, I'll need him more than ever.
"Cassandra Thronhill, I'm positive you can hear me right now" I could hear the slight frustration in his voice. I almost smile. Almost.
I lost the ability to be happy after what happened. I had already given in to the thought that I wasn't meant to be happy ever again.
I sigh, getting up. I was still in my sleeping wear.
I walk to the door, only opening the door a bit, keeping the door chain intact.
There he was, looking like he had walked out of a fairytale. Kai has the kind of face people trust—soft brown eyes that hold your secrets like they're sacred, and a dimple that only shows when he thinks no one's watching. His curls are always a little messy, like he never stays in one place long enough to fix them. He's tall, not intimidating, just... safe. The kind of presence you lean into without realizing it.
"Good morning to you" I say, rolling my eyes. "You're not dressed yet? Cass, you know you have to be there on time today" grabbing a handful of curls, he curses under his breath. He turns away from me, hesitating slightly.
"you know, if you don't want to go today we can postpone it till you're fully ready, right?" even without looking at him I could tell just exactly what he looked like. Riddled with worry, that smooth face of his.
"We both know that day would never come kai, I'll eventually have to get out of my room anyways" I say, backing away from the door, not wanting to press the conversation further, knowingly or not.
"I'll be in the kitchen" with that he walks away, a light smile on his face, his footsteps in rhythm with my heart.
I hope I could believe my own words too.
I head downstairs twenty minutes later, to see Kai and Lizzie engaged in a heated, muffled conversation, which I'm a hundred percent sure is about me. I turn and head towards my breakfast which is covered at the opposite side of the kitchen.
When the voices stopped, I could tell they knew I had seen them. Arguing.
"Good morning cassey" turning, to see lizzie smiling up at me was one of my most hated things about staying here. She always had to look happy to see me, even when I could tell she was having a bad day. She didn't need to pretend to be happy to have me. I wouldn't be happy to have me.
I mutter a morning under my breath, heading towards the door, half of my breakfast was already in my mouth anyways, there was no need to sit at the table.
I hear Kai get up behind me, saying a goodbye on my behalf, which I felt wasn't necessary.
I didn't want to talk to her today for various reasons, one, she was the main reason I was walking back into hell.
Two, she made me miss my mum, which I hated the most, and three, she looked like she needed a break and she still refused to take on.
Working herself to death to feed an extra mouth.
I hated that I was a burden to her.
"Are you okay, you have tears in your eyes" worried filled his voice. I shake my head. Not like they would drop anyways. Blinking my eyes, I head for the car.
Watching Kai get into the driver's seat, my stomach churned, in less than thirty minutes we'd be at school.
I just had to be strong, looking at Kai and I smiled inwardly. I know how hard it must have been to shoulder his own issues and my secrets. So I had to be strong for him. I wanted him to rely on me like old times.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, thanks kai, for being here"
"Anything for you cass, want me to turn the radio on?"
"No, I'd rather listen on my own" I smile faintly, though I know it doesn't reach my eyes.
Opening my Spotify app, I click on my most recent playlist, the girl who Blends In, Playing the song on top, lovely by Billie elishi and Khalid.
We head to Belleville High school.
*******
A feel a hand on my shoulder, shaking me, then subtly going down my chest, fondling my breast, I can't breathe, or move.
I try to scream.
But no sounds leaves my throat.
Get off. Get off. Get off me.
"Get off me you son of a bitch!" I scream at the top of my voice.
I could only hear myself. Screaming.
No, someone else is too. I turned to see Kai's face masked with worry and fear. Mouthing words to me but I can't seem to place them.
"deep….take,some deep….calm…cassey….you're safe". I start to make sense out of his words.
Slowly I regained my sense of environment. We're still in his car. But in the school's parking lot.
Silence fills the car as we both take deep breaths.
"what..happened?" not believing that was my own voice trembling. Kai's face was in his hands.
"I don't know either cass, I just tapped you to wake you up, we had gotten to school but we were late. All of sudden you screamed at me and wouldn't stop screaming" His eyes broke my heart, he looked ten times older than when we left for school.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"I thought I was there again, trapped with no way to scream for help" I shiver, I didn't want to relieve those memories. Ever again.
"No, you're not, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have touched you while you were unconscious" He took a deep breath, slowly opening his car though, he looked around. There was not a soul in sight, which I could tell we were both grateful for.
Opening my phone, it was several minutes past Nine, everyone ought to be in class by now.
Thank God.
First day back since over a year, and I would have become a spectacule. What a nightmare.
Was I just fooling myself?
Did I really have the guts to be at school? I wasn't fine, but I couldn't stay inside forever. Better now than ever I guess.
I open my seat door, watching kai rush over to help me, but stop hesitantly.
I didn't want to traumatise kai. This was his first time seeing me have an episode. I sigh, getting out myself.
"I'm fine, really"
"I doubt it, I can still drive you home, you don't have to rush this, healing takes.." worry etched all over his face but I can't help but feel angry.
"Healing takes time, but it's been over a year kai, I haven't healed shit, I might as well just get school over with then" I didn't mean to snap at him but I hated it.
The pity in his voice.
I can't stand it.
"I'm fine, let's go" I sigh, tapping him on the back.
I don't look back to know if he was following me, I head into the school, grateful for being late, having not to look at people and hear them talk about me like I wasn't in the room.
I head straight to the principal's office.
Knocking lightly, I hear a reply behind the door and open it wide.
I see principal Richard Caldwell in his office with a young looking man. They both stare at me as I walk in.
I stare back, my gaze can't help but linger on the stranger in a black suit.
"Oh, cassey, you're here" He says awkwardly. He hasn't seen me in over a year, I wasn't expecting much and he has the full gist of what happened.
I was expecting the awkwardness anyways
"Good morning Mr Caldwell, yes I'm here" I can't help but hint a bit of sarcasm in my tone, but like he would pick that up anyways.
He stands up to offer me a seat, oblivious to my comment, I smirk inwardly until I catch the stranger throwing daggers at me. With his eyes.
Looks like I was caught.
I almost smile.
I sit down across Mr Caldwell and beside the strange man, sitting closer to him I can tell he's just a few years older than me but his eyes tell a different story entirely.
As if sensing my observation, the SM stands up excusing himself.
I watch him leave.
Odd.
"We're glad to have you back cassey" he says, reaching into his drawer, bringing out the list of curriculum I'd have to fill out.
A knock on the door, causes us to look behind us, kai steps in without waiting for a reply.
"next time, Mr Harris you wait for a response before opening my office door, understood?"
"yes sir, I'm very sorry" , shaking my head I turn back to Mr Caldwell. "just fill these out cass and you're good to go, okay?"
"Thank you"
Silence fills the room as Mr Caldwell steps out, leaving me and kai.
He comes to sit beside me. I can tell he's walking on eggshells due to my earlier outburst.
Putting my pen down, I turn to him
"I'm sor…"
"I'm sorry" we both apologise at the same time.
Smiling, he scratches his head awkwardly.
"I'm sorry for treating you like you're a walking bomb, it won't happen again"
"yeah it wouldn't, I'm sorry too for snapping at you, you didn't deserve that"
"It's cool cass, anything for you"
"urrghh that sounds so cringe coming out of that mouth" he bursts out laughing.
I'm glad to see him lighten up.
"seems like your done, I checked the classes you have today, English first though"
"urrgh my favourite class already started?, why didn't you tell me earlier!" punching him in the shoulder, I get up, grabbing my backpack, heading for the door.
"I have chemistry today, at least one of us gets a good morning class" he whines.
I smile faintly.
I had missed this. Me and kai.
Maybe it wouldnt be so bad coming back here.
"I'll catch you later at lunch?" he says heading in the opposite direction.
Knowing he means the cafeteria, I shake my head, "no I plan on staying in the library"
"alright, I'll grab you something then, bye sassy"
"bye dork".
I head towards my classroom, just down the hall.
Getting closer to the classroom, I feel my heartbeat thundering in my ears.
Kai wasn't with me
But I'd be fine.
What's the worse that could happen anyways?
Standing in front of the door, I take a deep breath and count to ten.
On seven I open the door.
Walking in to meet mister mysterious in front of the class. Teaching. English.
The whole class turns to stare at me.
Murmuring fills the classroom.
I've never wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole in a long time.
Looking up I can see the Stern face of my English teacher.
Oh shit.