Thwip!—an arrow embedded itself in the ground a foot from Li Fan's sandals. He yelped and stumbled back. From the foliage, rough-looking men and women emerged, brandishing weapons. They wore mismatched armor pieces emblazoned with a black claw mark—the Iron Claw Bandits.
"Stand and deliver your valuables!" shouted a lanky bandit from a tree branch, waving a scimitar. "And leave the pretty bird for us!" At that, Hongyan squawked indignantly, flames dancing on her beak. The bandit flinched, clearly not having considered that detail.
Elder Kang stepped forward calmly. "You lot best move aside. Attacking an Azure Sky Sect convoy is the worst mistake of your lives." His aura flared, causing lesser bandits to step back.
However, a booming laugh rang out. A huge man stomped into view - presumably the new bandit leader. He was nearly as large as a bear, with bristling hair and a scar across his nose. He hefted a massive pair of iron claws (like bear claws on gauntlets) and roared, "Azure Sky Sect, huh? More like Azure Sky Snack! I'm hungry for some treasure and maybe roasted bird!" He guffawed at his own joke.
Li Fan felt Hongyan tremble with anger; roasted bird? He quickly patted her side to calm her before she immolated everyone, forest included.
The sect's fighters got into stances. Inner disciples drew swords, elders prepared spells. This could get messy, Li Fan thought. There were at least twenty bandits, presumably cultivators of varying low levels. They had the advantage of terrain and surprise. But they hadn't met Li Fan yet.
As both sides faced off, Li Fan had a madcap idea. He rummaged in his travel satchel. Yes, he still had some leftover ultra-spicy dried peppers (one whiff of those could make a dragon sneeze) and a few self-made 'stink bombs' (fermented tofu in sealed gourds, his own creation for pest control). A chaotic plan formed.
Before the elders could unleash an attack, Li Fan stepped forward (stupidly brave or bravely stupid). "Dear honored bandits!" he called out. "No need for violence. We have something far more valuable than gold." Everyone, bandits and sect alike, looked at him in confusion. Elder Kang hissed, "Li Fan, get back." But Li Fan pressed on.
"What could be more valuable than gold?" sneered the bandit leader.
Li Fan pulled out a small wok and a flint striker dramatically from his pack. "A good meal! You all look hungry living out here in the woods, terrorizing travelers. But have you ever tasted Azure Sky Sect's famous Hellfire Stew?!"
He had just made that name up.
The bandits blinked. Hellfire... what? Even the sect folks were bewildered. Hongyan cocked her head as if also thinking her dinner had a weird name.
"I see you doubt me," Li Fan continued grandly. He quickly threw some dried meat, peppers, and random spices into the wok, using a bit of oil. "Allow me to demonstrate a sample! Hongyan, little flame please!" He held the wok out and the bird, catching on, snorted a flame underneath it. The ingredients sizzled, and soon a thick, pungent smoke rose—a mix of mouth-watering spice and eye-watering chili.
"Ah!" Some bandits coughed as the wind blew the irritating smoke toward them. It wasn't too harsh at range, but enough to make eyes sting. Li Fan began stirring theatrically, as if cooking the world's finest stew. "Legend says one spoon of Hellfire Stew can make a man breathe fire and see the gods! But it's not for the weak. Only a true warrior can handle the heat without, uh, crying."
He could see the big leader trying not to cough, pride battling with burning eyes. "I'm— hack —I'm not crying!" the leader barked, tears streaming involuntarily. "We ain't afraid of some spicy soup!"
Li Fan grinned inside. Hooked. "If you and your men can each finish a bowl of this stew, we'll surrender our goods. But if it's too much for you... you let us pass and maybe we'll leave you a pot as a gift. Deal?"
Elder Jin whispered, "Is he insane?" Elder Kang, having seen Li Fan's antics, quietly signaled the others to stand by but not attack yet, curious how this would play out.
The bandits looked at their leader. He puffed up, not to be outdone. "Deal! I fear no food. Men, let's show them!"
Now Li Fan was in a bit of a spot—he needed to actually have them eat this, which required bowls and a lot of stew. Luckily, the caravan had supplies. With a flurry of motion, and even some help from bewildered sect disciples handing him water and more ingredients, Li Fan whipped up a large cauldron of his on-the-fly Hellfire Stew. He made sure to make it insanely spicy, tossing every hot ingredient he had, including those ghost chilies, and a hefty splash of his stink bomb tofu juice for added challenge. The aroma was... potent.
"Alright, come get it while it's hot!" Li Fan ladled out bowls. The bandits, somewhat disarmed by the sheer oddity of this scenario, approached cautiously. The sect people stood at the ready in case of trickery, but the bandits really seemed fixated on not losing face.
The big leader grabbed a bowl. The stew was a fiery red color with chunks of meat and vegetables. It smelled spicy but also weird (the stinky tofu gave it a downright nasty edge). Still, not to be shamed, he took a huge gulp. The effect was immediate.
His face went through a series of transformations: bravado, realization, pain, agony, redder than a tomato. Steam practically shot from his ears. "Gahhhh!" he opened his mouth, and to his own surprise, a tongue of flame belched out. It was so spicy he literally breathed fire.
His men, shocked, nevertheless followed suit sipping their bowls—only to drop them and roll on the ground, fanning their mouths. Some leapt into the nearby stream to cool off. One bandit climbed a tree and hung upside down, tongue dangling, seeking relief.
The sect disciples watched in absolute hysterics, some doubling over with laughter. Even Elder Hao, who had arrived on a flying sword from the front of the caravan, looked torn between disapproval and a snort of amusement.
The bandit leader, now hiccuping flames, threw down his bowl. "You... you demon cook!" he wheezed. He tried to look menacing but his watering eyes and snotty nose undermined it. "Take your damn caravan and go! Curse your stew!" He clearly had enough.
"A deal's a deal," Li Fan said merrily. "We'll be on our way. And here—" He filled a small jar and tossed it to the leader, who caught it reflexively. "For later. You know, if you ever need to... breathe fire again." Li Fan bowed theatrically.
The leader glared at the jar like it was poison (which, to him, it might as well be), then bellowed at his crew, "Retreat! And get me milk!" The bandits disappeared into the woods almost as fast as they had come, still coughing and crying.
As soon as they were out of sight, the entire sect convoy erupted in cheers and laughter. Some disciples high-fived Li Fan, others imitated the bandits rolling on ground. Hongyan was hopping around excitedly, enjoying the chaos and likely the smoky flavor in the air.
Elder Kang clapped Li Fan on the shoulder, laughing so hard he had tears. "You mad lad! That was absurd and brilliant. They might never rob anyone again for fear of spicy stew!"
Elder Jin shook his head in wonder, "Remind me never to challenge you to a drinking contest if that's what you serve." Even Sect Master Yao, who had observed from her carriage (ready to step in if needed), gave a nod of approval as she emerged. "Creative problem-solving yet again, Li Fan. Well done. Though next time, perhaps a touch less of the stink tofu?" She winked, surprising him with her levity.
Li Fan rubbed his neck sheepishly. "I was improvising, Sect Master." He looked at the mess—bowls and spilled hell-stew everywhere. "Um, shall we clean up and move on before they recover?"
Yes, best not to linger. The disciples quickly packed up. A few begged Li Fan for the Hellfire Stew recipe, to which he cryptically replied, "It's a secret passed down in my family... of arsonists." This got a great laugh.
Back on the road, the mood was light and jubilant. Azure Sky Sect had a new legend: how their secret weapon chef defeated bandits with a single meal. As they traveled on, Li Fan couldn't help but grin. If nothing else, he'd have plenty of anecdotes if he ever wrote a memoir: I'm Just Here for the Free Meals, Not Immortality might have an interesting chapter about bandits who literally couldn't handle his cooking.
Ahead loomed the outline of the Imperial City, where even greater challenges (and comedic disasters, no doubt) awaited. Li Fan patted his spice pouch at his side. "Bring it on," he whispered. Hongyan warbled in agreement, as if sharing his excitement for the adventures to come.