Kazu 靠在校園外的牆上,每一步都以極度緩慢的速度走著,彷彿每一個動作都會造成巨大的痛苦,他身體的每一個關節都感覺像是被撕裂了.他勉強站起來,手肘靠在牆上,拚命地試圖防止自己癱倒.肌肉和神經撕裂的疼痛感覺像是他內心持續不斷的痛苦尖叫.
在昏暗的路燈下,他的影子伸展了很長,幾乎被黑夜吞噬,融入了黑暗中.他心中的煎熬就像一個無盡的漩渦,將他拉得更深,陷入絕望.他低下頭,目光落在已經破爛不堪的衣服上,手指輕輕地揉搓著袖子上的洞.一種難以形容的空虛充滿了他的心.
"我該怎麼辦..."
Kazu 的聲音低得幾乎聽不見,彷彿他在自言自語,他的語氣無法掩蓋絕望.他咬著嘴唇,淚水無聲無息地從眼角滑落,打濕了他骯髒的衣領.
明天,他得偷一個無辜女孩的內褲.
這個念頭就像一把利刃,刺穿了和的心.他的血液似乎凍結了,冰冷得幾乎無法動彈.他的雙手緊緊地攥著衣服,指甲幾乎要深深地紮進他的肉裡,但他並沒有感到任何解脫.
"為什麼...為什麼受傷的總是我..."
他低聲喃喃自語,幾乎聽不見,但那令人心碎的痛苦是如此真實,它回蕩了整個夜晚.
如果時間可以倒流,如果 Koudo Shouichi 還活著就好了...
"如果 Shouichi 還在這裡...我不會被欺負的..."
突然,昌一熟悉的面孔出現在和的腦海中.Koudo Shouichi,總是站出來幫忙,總是在 Kazu 最需要他的時候出現在他身邊.無論敵人多麼強大,他都無所畏懼,甚至願意毫不猶豫地為和挨一拳.每當 Kazu 感到無助時,Shouichi 溫暖的笑容和堅定的目光安慰他,告訴他:"別害怕,我會保護你的.
但這一切都在一年前的一場車禍中瞬間消失了.
守一走了.
Kazu 再也聽不到他熟悉的聲音,也感受不到他溫暖的保護.
"如果守一還在這裡..."
Kazu repeated the words, as though saying them could bring back the friend who once protected him. But reality was cruel. He had lost his only support. Now, he was left with only himself, alone to face a merciless world.
Kazu took a deep breath, trying to calm the turmoil inside him, but the tearing sensation within his heart was impossible to suppress. Without Shouichi, he was like a fragile boat adrift in a storm, with no force strong enough to stop it from sinking.
He lowered his head, the street ahead blurring into an abyss of darkness. His thoughts spiraled deeper into pain, the phrase "If Shouichi were still here" repeating in his mind like a desperate plea for salvation.
He had thought of running away, of fighting back, but he knew both were pointless. Running wouldn't change anything, and there was no way to fight back. Like today, he couldn't resist the bullies, couldn't refuse their demands. Every time he tried to say "no," their fists and threats shattered his resolve.
Kazu's heart felt as though it was being squeezed by invisible hands, the weight in his chest so heavy he could hardly breathe. He felt as though he was trapped in an inescapable maze, each attempt to find a way out only dragging him deeper into despair, leading him into darker dead ends.
"What should I do…"
His tears finally overflowed, falling like a torrential rain, mixing with blood and dirt as they streamed down his face. The once beautiful memories had become untouchable fantasies. Shouichi's smile, Shouichi's voice, Shouichi's existence—all seemed like a past that could never be revived.
He could never go back.
But in Kazu's eyes, a faint glimmer of light flickered. Perhaps this road had no way back, but he still had to live. Even if it hurt, even if it was humiliating, he had to live—for himself. Because, if he didn't have the courage to keep living, he would have nothing left.
He clenched his teeth, taking another step, then another, with the unchanging darkness behind him and unknown dangers ahead.
Kazu returned home to the empty house, the air thick with a heavy sense of oppression. It felt as if time had frozen, and all that could be heard was the sound of his own heartbeat. Whether it was the coldness of his family or the bullying at school, everything felt like a heavy mountain pressing down on him, suffocating him.
"If… I just died…" Kazu whispered softly, his eyes hollow, as if he had already lost all vitality. He pulled out a crumpled notebook from his bag and began writing his suicide note. Each sentence was filled with the despair in his heart, as though every word was filled with pain. He wrote of his desire for release, as if death was the only end, the only way to escape the endless suffering.
Death, perhaps, was the only escape.
The oppression from his family, the bullying at school, all the pain and humiliation.
Anyone else might have already chosen suicide, but Kazu had endured for so many years. Fifteen years, his once dark hair now withered, like the white hair of someone worn down by pressure. Every day, the inner torment had nowhere to go but to force himself to numb it. Again and again, he would go into the bathroom, alone, to numb himself with masturbation, trying to forget the pain, though he knew it would never solve anything.
At that moment, he finally picked up the knife, the cold blade reflecting a faint light in the dim room, like the call of death. Kazu gripped the handle, pressing it to his neck, ready to end it all. In that instant, only one thought occupied his mind—end the pain, end everything, end the unending darkness he couldn't escape from.
However, when the blade touched his neck, his hand stopped.
He flinched.
"I could end it all… but… I'm still afraid of dying."
Kazu stared at the cold blade in his hand, a sense of unprecedented fear rising within him. Despite the endless pain tearing at his soul, despite his readiness to give up everything, the fear of death held him back. At that moment, he wasn't just afraid of death, he was afraid of completely giving up on himself. He feared the loneliness, the idea that after leaving this world, there would truly be nothing left—not even the last regrets and unfinished emotions.
So, he threw the knife aside and curled up on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. That deep pain couldn't be soothed by words. It felt like an insurmountable mountain buried deep in his heart, suffocating him.
He closed his eyes, sinking into a deep darkness. The loneliness was indescribable, as if the entire world had already abandoned him. His only friend, Koudo Shouichi, had died in a car accident, forever leaving this world. And Kazu, still in the unwelcoming darkness, suffered alone.
"If only Shouichi were here…"
Kazu silently thought, tears falling silently, as if each tear took away a piece of the hope he had long since lost. He understood that he had no one to rely on anymore, only himself, fighting alone against this endless darkness.