I was released from the hospital due to the fact that there was nothing wrong with me... yet I still had to pay.
Damn healthcare.
The door chimes, prompting me to answer.
I wonder if they have a Donor card that tells people to leave my corpse to the fate of nature.
Opening it, I am greeted by Fintan as she stands there in her baggy fire jacket and pants.
"Fintan, I can't say I was expecting you."
"Hello Graves, I just wanted to come over and say thank you."
"Oh, thank you for your thank you? How exactly did you get my address, though?"
"I looked it up."
Too many people know where I live.
She holds up a tray of cookies. "It's not much, but I wanted to say thanks for the other day."
"Well, you didn't have to do that. I'm just glad no one got hurt." Except for me and Mr.Figglebottom.
Her face goes red. "Graves, I... I was wondering if you wanted to go out fo-"
Cafun stumbles over. "Eh? Who's the firefighter?" She gasps. "Do you have a fire truck outside? I wanna drive it!"
She leans on me with her baggy white shirt and her pussy flapping in the wind.
"Cafun, put on some pants if you're greeting guests."
"Ehhh? You and your capatilist propaganda."
"Oh, hello." For some reason, Fintan now looks dejected. "You must be Grave's girlfriend."
I lurch forward, covering my mouth, trying not to vomit. "Jesus, that's not even funny."
Cafun gasps. "Graves?! Are you sick? I can perform CPR if it would help." She grabs at my pants, yanking them down.
Suddenly it feels breezy as my dick dangles in the wind. "Eh!?" My face goes red. "Not here dumbass!... I mean, I'm not sick."
Yanking my pants back up, I turn with a strained smile towards Fintan, "Sorry about that, she's a rescue."
She turns her blushing face. "Are you two not dating then?" She says with hope.
"Good lord no, she's more like... hmm.... Do you have a pet?"
"I do not."
"Then that analogy won't work. Have you ever adopted a hobo?"
"... I cannot say I have."
"A pet hobo! I want one? Do you think I could teach it tricks?" Cafun cheers.
"Cafun, hand," I command.
She puts out her hand.
"You can."
"yippie!"
Turning back to Fintan, I sigh. "Alright then try and imagine taking in a meth addict but instead of meth its pizza and junkfood."
"I love pizza! But I am not a big fan of meth, It was my weakest subject in school, I was far better at silent reading."
"I apologize, but I don't believe I follow... either of you."
"Please don't lump us together as one word."
"Cookies!" Cafun's eyes widen as she notices the cookies. She immediately begins gobbling down hand over fist.
"Hey! You aren't the one who died in a fire."
Her eyes begin to water. "You're right, these poor cookies died and I selfishly ate them without giving thanks."
She does a socially incorrect German gesture as misguided thanks. "Thank you, dough gods for your cookie sacrifice, amen."
Did they have cookies in WW2?
Turning to the milf I begin to guide her away, giving her the tray of cookies as incentive. "alright, the adults are talking Cafun, go and... eat these cookies and do whatever it is that you do best."
She salutes me, yanking the tray, and continues being stupid elsewhere.
"Uh... she looks older than you."
"Would you believe me if I said she was?"
Fintan gives me a look of uncertainty.
"Anyway, I was meaning to ask you if you'd managed to find a new apartment?"
"Oh... that? No, I am not entirely sure what I was going to do. I might just live with my family until they repair the old place." She respectfully laughs. "Wish I could live somewhere nice like this."
Half of these women are begging for an apartment without realizing it.
"Could you do $1600?"
She tilts her head. "I am not sure what you're talking about?"
I gasp. "I am so sorry, I just realized who I am pairing you up with."
"Pairing me up with?"
"I'll give you a $200 discount as compensation for having to put up with her and for any psychological therapy you may end up needing."
"You're starting to scare me, Graves. What are you talking about?"
Taking a deep breath, I give her a look of pity. "I can get you an apartment for $1,400 if you agree right here and now." I put my hands on her shoulders as I wince, knowing I'm scamming this woman psychologically. "But you'll be living with someone else in separate rooms."
"Well..." She pauses. "Would I be close to you?"
I raise my eyebrow. "I mean, you won't have to put up with me if you don't want to."
"That's not what I meant at all, if anything-"
"Yes or no."
"...yes."
SCORE!
Putting my hand out, I give a close-eyed smile, knowing full well I'm walking this innocent woman to her grave.
Guiding her to a room down the hall, she looks at me with the utmost confusion.
"Graves, I'm a little confused, and quite frankly concerned, what's going on?"
Standing outside the door, I smile. "Welcome to your new apartment, Fintan."
Her eyes slowly widen as a grin draws across her face. "Really?! Here?! So close to you?"
"Uh... yea? But more importantly... 78th floor! At such a cheap price!" I present the door with jazz hands.
She exhales with a smile. "I'm just glad I'm right down the hall from you."
"rrright... feelings mutual... anyway! I'll show you the place."
Using my key card, I open the mechanical door.
"She may be dumb as three bags of rocks, but I promise her heart's in the right pla-"
*BANG! BANG!*
"Haha!" Folie cheers with a fist pump. "Nice try cartel, you stupid drug minions!"
Wheezing, I hold my stomach. "FUCK! Shit! Folie... I specifically stated in the landlord-tenant law, no shooting me or anyone else on this floor."
"GRAVES! Are you alright?!" Fintan kneels down, going face to face with a concerned expression
Folie scratches her head wth the barrel of her gun. "... oh... graves? My B, I didn't realize that was you. You wanna do sex time again? My cuffs are in the wash, so you're gonna have to give it a minute."
"Woman, you shot him!"
"Hmm... more like I grazed him."
Holding my leaking stomach, I cough with a strained smile. "Fintan, meet your new roommate... Folie."
"My roommate? What are you talking about?! Just wait, Graves, I'll call the police!"
"Don't bother... she's right beside you."
In the most terrifying way, Folie stands there with her smoking gun and a smile.
Fintan's eyes are wide as she slowly turns.
Waving the gun, Folie cheers before running over and hugging Fintan. "So you're going to be my new roommate! We are gonna have a blast! You look like a firefighter, I'm a SWAT officer, so we share blue blood!"
Futilely coughing for air, "That's not even what that means."
"Eh? It's not blue... like police? Well, anyway, let's get you unpacked! Do you have any guns? Do firefighters carry? I can't say I've ever shot a fire... do you carry water guns? Do you need a license to carry one of those? So many questions"
The last thing I see is Fintan, who seems overwhelmed by the situation as she holds my body with her watery, purple eyes.