Noah sat stiffly in front of the literal king of Solmaria, trying to process everything.
The royal court was dead silent, all eyes on him like he was some rare animal in a zoo exhibit.
And what did he do?
Ask for coffee.
The king, a regal old man with an impressive white beard and a crown that could probably double as a medieval weapon, frowned slightly. "Coffee? What is this… coffee you speak of?"
Noah blinked.
Oh. Right. Fantasy world. Probably no Starbucks.
He cleared his throat.
"It's a drink," he explained. "Something that helps me calm my nerves when I'm nervous."
The king nodded slowly, as if contemplating the very fabric of existence. "Ah. A sacred elixir, then."
"Uh, sure. Let's go with that."
The king stroked his beard. "We do not have this 'coffee' you speak of, but we do have fine ale, aged wine, mead, fermented berry nectar, golden honeybrew, and the fabled dragonfruit elixir of the Eastern Isles."
Noah stared.
"Cool," he said. "And do you have anything that won't make me an alcoholic by the end of the week?"
The court gasped.
A noblewoman clutched her pearls.
The king himself looked slightly offended. "Hero, do you mean to suggest that you do not partake in the sacred bonding ritual of ale-drinking?"
Noah leaned back in his chair. "I mean, if I drink every time I get stressed in this world, I'll develop a drinking problem before I even fight the Demon Lord."
Another noble fainted on the spot.
The king sighed, shaking his head. "A strange hero indeed."
Noah crossed his arms. "Look, you dragged me into this. The least you could do is have a decent beverage."
The king motioned to a servant. "Find out if this 'coffee' exists in our lands."
The servant bowed deeply and scurried off, as if Noah had just requested a holy artifact.
'Well. That was a small win.'
The king then sat back in his throne, folding his hands together. "Now, Hero. Let us speak of Solmaria… and your destiny."
Noah mentally braced himself. Here we go.
...
According to the king and his advisors, Solmaria was in big trouble.
The Demon Lord, a being of unimaginable power, had been growing stronger and stronger.
Dark forces were spreading, monsters were becoming more aggressive, and corruption in the kingdom was reaching an all-time high.
Noah listened carefully, nodding at the right moments, but inside, his brain was running on fumes.
This was so much to take in.
Yesterday, his biggest worry had been whether he had enough money to take Emily on a good date, which had only been possible because he borrowed money from some friends.
Now, he was supposed to fight some ancient evil, save a kingdom, and somehow not die in the process?
Yeah. No pressure.
Finally, the king finished his speech, leaning forward. "And so, Hero, you see… we need you. Will you accept your fate?"
Noah took a long, deep breath.
Then, he exhaled.
Then, he leaned forward.
"Alright," he said. "But if I'm gonna be your hero, we need to set some ground rules."
The room froze.
One of the nobles nearly dropped his goblet.
Even the king seemed taken aback. "Ground rules?"
Noah nodded. "Yeah. Terms. Conditions. You know, a fair deal."
A long silence.
The king blinked. "You… wish to negotiate?"
Noah gestured vaguely. "Look, if I'm gonna risk my life for your world, I'd like to have some say in how I do it."
The court murmured in confusion.
A nobleman with a ridiculously long mustache scoffed. "The Hero making demands? Unheard of!"
Noah pointed at him. "See, that's exactly the problem. I didn't sign up for this. You yanked me out of my life, and now I'm supposed to just go along with everything? That's not how this works."
The king studied him for a moment. Then, he nodded. "Very well. Speak your terms."
Noah grinned. Finally.
He cracked his knuckles and began.
"So," Noah began, fixing the king with a serious gaze. "First off, a proper place to live."
The king nodded sagely. "A grand chamber within the royal palace will be provided to you, Hero. It will be splendid, decorated with the finest tapestries, the softest silks…"
Noah immediately waved a hand. "Hold up, hold up. No palace living."
The room fell silent.
The king blinked. "You… do not want to live in the royal palace?"
"Nope. I've seen enough fantasy stories to know that the moment I settle in the palace, I'll end up in some absurd royal drama." Noah leaned forward, as if imparting some ancient wisdom. "I want a separate house. Something quiet, maybe with a decent kitchen. A place with good lighting and absolutely no haunted basements."
A noblewoman sitting near the front looked horrified. "Haunted basements?"
"Yes, haunted basements," Noah said, nodding solemnly. "I'm not running away from ghosts at 3 a.m., getting whispers that I should join the darkness. Not gonna happen."
The noblewoman sputtered. "But you're a hero — "
"No," Noah interrupted, "I'm a realist. I've seen too many horror movies. A nice house, a bed that doesn't feel like it was made from tortoise shells, and no ghosts. Is that so hard to arrange?"
The king chuckled, his crown shaking slightly on his head. "Very well. A house it is."
Noah nodded in approval. One down.
"Next," Noah continued, now feeling more like he was handling a business negotiation than saving the world, "I want to be paid."
The king's expression was genuinely confused. "Paid? I do not understand."
Noah gave him a blank stare. "Do you know what a salary is? Like, money for services rendered?"
The court gasped. "Money?"
Noah crossed his arms. "Yeah, money. I'm not gonna work for exposure. If I'm out there risking my life for this kingdom, I expect to be compensated. I'm not doing this on a volunteer basis."
The king's advisors began whispering to each other, some of them looking a little offended, like they'd never heard of such a bold request.
The king, however, was clearly pondering this.
"I see," the king said, stroking his beard. "A reasonable request. We shall arrange a monthly stipend for you."
Noah grinned. "Good."
"Now, moving on to more important matters," Noah said, his voice turning serious once again. "Coffee."
The king blinked. "Coffee?"
"Yes, coffee. I need it. I'm going to need a lot of it. It's this thing from my world, and it helps with, you know, being a hero."
A few court members murmured among themselves, clearly baffled by this.
Noah was pleased. The king seemed open-minded, which was a good sign.
"Next." Noah was getting into the groove now, his confidence rising with every demand. "I pick my own clothes. No capes, no sequins, and definitely no dresses made of enchanted phoenix feathers."