Chapter 11: Deep Feeling
That night, after Boase left, Saraswati remained seated by the window. A light drizzle began to fall again, creating a soft rhythm on the roof of her modest home. She sipped her tea, which had been untouched for a while and was now almost cold. Inside her chest, a complex mix of emotions swirled—relief, confusion, and a faint fear.
Since the first time she met Boase, she had never imagined that he would become more than just a colleague in her life. Boase was a calm man, full of understanding, and possessed a sincerity that was hard to find in this world. Saraswati felt something she had not allowed herself to feel since her husband's passing—comfort in someone's presence.
But was she ready for this? Did she have the right to feel this warmth again? What would Ratna's reaction be if she found out? And what would people say about her? Saraswati pondered these questions within herself.
The next morning, Saraswati walked to school with her mind still filled with uncertainty. The sky remained overcast, but the cool morning air provided a bit of solace. Upon arriving in class, she saw Amara running towards her with a bright face.
"Mother! Look at this!" Amara exclaimed, showing a drawing she had made the night before.
Saraswati smiled and crouched down to take a closer look. In the drawing, three figures were depicted in bright colors—a woman, a small child, and a man standing beside them. Her heart pounded.
"Who is this, dear?" Saraswati asked, even though she already had an idea of the answer.
"It's us! Me, you, and Uncle Boase!" Amara replied innocently, her eyes sparkling. "Uncle Boase is kind, isn't he? He always helps us. I like Uncle Boase, Mother."
Saraswati fell silent. A warm feeling spread in her heart, but along with it came an unease she could not ignore. She gently stroked Amara's head.
"Uncle Boase is indeed a good person," she said softly. "But you know, dear, not everyone can stay together forever."
Amara nodded but still smiled. "But I hope Uncle Boase can always be with us."
Saraswati could only manage a small smile, though her heart was in turmoil. If Amara had already begun to see Boase as an important person in their lives, what should she do?
That afternoon, as Saraswati sat in the school garden after finishing her teaching duties, Boase approached her. He brought two cups of warm tea and handed one to Saraswati.
"You seem to be thinking a lot today," Boase said as he sat beside her.
Saraswati accepted the tea with a small nod. "I just... have too many things on my mind."
Boase was silent for a moment, as if carefully choosing his words before speaking again. "If this is about Amara, I hope you know that I would never try to replace anyone. I just want to be here, for both of you."
Saraswati's heart trembled. Boase's words were so simple, yet they carried such deep meaning. Since losing her husband, she had always felt that she had to endure everything alone, that no one could truly be there for her without expecting something in return. But Boase was different. He never pressured her, never demanded anything. He was just... there.
"I'm afraid, Boase," Saraswati finally admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm afraid that if I open my heart again, I will lose everything once more."
Boase looked into her eyes deeply, then placed his cup of tea on the bench. "Fear is natural, Saraswati. But it doesn't mean you should avoid happiness because of it."
Saraswati lowered her gaze. She wanted to believe those words. She wanted to believe that she could be happy again without being haunted by her past. But could she?
"I don't know if I'm ready," she admitted honestly.
Boase nodded slowly. "I won't force you to be ready. But I will always be here, whenever you are."
There was something in those words that made Saraswati feel more at ease. For the first time in a long while, she felt that she did not have to struggle alone.
Yet, deep within her heart, fear still lingered. The trauma of the past continued to haunt her, and she knew that the journey to happiness was not something she could take overnight.
But maybe, just maybe, she could try.
That night, Saraswati sat by the window again, watching the rain fall in a soft rhythm. In her hands, she held the drawing Amara had made that morning. She stroked it gently, as if trying to understand the meaning behind each stroke of color.
Amara wanted them to be a family. Boase wanted to stay by her side. And she? She was still trapped in the shadows of the past.
Saraswati closed her eyes and took a deep breath. If there was one thing she had learned in life, it was that time could never be rewound. If she kept being trapped in fear, she might lose her chance at happiness.
When she opened her eyes again, the rain had stopped, and the moon began to appear behind the clouds. Perhaps, this was a sign that the storm in her heart was slowly subsiding as well.
The feelings growing inside her were frightening, yet also beautiful. And perhaps, for the first time in a long while, she wanted to allow herself to feel them.
Unconsciously, a small smile formed on her lips. She recalled Boase's gentle and loving gaze. His unspoken wish to know her more deeply was evident.
Maybe, she could give herself a chance. But on the other hand, she worried about Ratna's judgment, her mother-in-law. What would she say to Ratna if she truly opened her heart to Boase?