"Is something wrong?" Ainee asked me after the waitress left with our orders. We decided to meet at a restaurant since cooking would take too long, and we were both tired from work. Sean had given me a ride here—he insisted—but I told him it was a girls' night out with Ainee since we hadn't gone out in a while. I couldn't tell him the real reason: that he was why I needed to talk to Ainee for advice.
I took a deep breath before telling her everything about Sean's confession last night after our dinner at my unit.
"I knew it! My intuition about Sean was right all along," she said after listening to my story.
"Ain's, what do I do, sis? My mind is a mess."
"Why are you confused? You don't need to overthink if you don't have feelings for him beyond friendship, right? Unless…?"
"That's exactly it—I don't know how to process this. I don't want to make a mistake in understanding my feelings. What if I'm just overwhelmed by the idea of someone caring about me? I don't want to be unfair to him. And you know my situation with Georje isn't fully resolved yet. Even though we suddenly lost communication, it was my choice not to call him after what he did to me."
"You mean… you have feelings for Sean, but you still love Georje?"
"I can't say it like that, sis. That's why I need your help to figure this out. Please? You're my best friend—I trust you to see things I can't and sense what I don't realize. That's usually how it goes for us, right?"
"Lui, sister, I've known about Sean's feelings for a long time—it's painfully obvious. And as for you… I know you've been going back and forth with your feelings for him. You just refuse to admit it. But I see it, Lui. The way your eyes light up when you're with him, when you talk about him. I didn't say anything before because I wanted you to tell me yourself. I knew that the moment you did, it would mean you were finally ready to face it. And guess what? That moment is here."
"Oh my God, Ainee!"
"I understand why you fell for Sean. And honestly, I'm happy for you! You deserve to be happy, sis. You deserve to feel cared for. You deserve everything that others have failed to give you. After all the pain you've been through, it's time for real happiness. And this is it, Lui—don't let it slip away." I couldn't stop myself from tearing up at her words.
"Shh, don't cry! You should be happy!" she added.
"Sorry, I just can't help it. Honestly, I still don't know how I feel. It's all mixed up, Ain's."
"Be honest with yourself so you can understand your feelings. And talk to Sean. Only the two of you can truly make sense of what's going on between you. Ask him if he's willing to wait while you sort things out with Georje. He already knows about him, right? But you also need to talk to Georje to get proper closure—if you're really done with him. You and Sean don't have to rush anything. Taking it slow is better so you can figure things out properly."
We continued talking while eating once our food arrived. Later, Ainee decided not to go home and just stayed at my apartment instead—she had left some of her stuff there for unexpected sleepovers like this.
The next morning…
"Hi! Good morning!" Sean greeted me as soon as I opened the car's passenger door.
"Hi, morning."
"You look like you didn't get enough sleep."
"No, I'm okay."
"Hmm… I don't think so."
"Ugh, fine! You always act like you know everything."
"Ohh, getting grumpy again? Maybe it's a red flag day?" he teased. I didn't respond, just shook my head at his comments. He always noticed things about me. Luckily, he didn't press further and focused on driving instead.
"By the way… are you busy later?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"Uh, not really. Just have something to finish this morning, then I'm free. Why? You want us to talk?"
"Huh?"
"Huh?" he mimicked me, making me glare at him. But the idiot just grinned, which made his eyes squint even more.
"I mean, how did you know that's what I was going to say?"
"Let's just say I have a strong gut feeling."
"Oh please, as if!"
"It's so obvious on your face that you're super tense. You look like you're struggling to tell me something. You're really bad at hiding your emotions—that's why I always know," he said confidently.
"Oh, okay."
"So, should I be worried about what you're about to say?"
"You're so annoying! You always joke around!" I huffed.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I'm just human. I just wanted to lighten the mood because I can tell something's weighing on you from the look in your eyes. Look, Lui, I didn't tell you those things to stress you out, pressure you, or anything like that. Okay?"
"I know that. I understand. But still, you know? Ugh, I don't know. It's hard to explain. Let's just talk later, not now, please?"
"As you wish, ga."
"Huh?" I was caught off guard, my eyes widening as I stared at him. He was smiling while driving, looking way too happy with himself.
"What did you just say?"
"Huh?" he feigned surprise.
"Don't 'huh' me! Say it again!" I insisted.
"Say what?" he played dumb.
"Sean Phillip! I'm not joking! I know you know what I'm talking about! What was that?"
"Well, if you already know, why do I have to repeat it? I don't want to—you're just gonna hit me again! And that hurts, you know," he pouted.
"Why not just say 'Lui'? What if someone hears you?"
"That's what I want to call you because that's how I feel. And besides, you're the only one who heard it. It's just the two of us in my car. Don't worry, I won't call you that in front of other people."
"Arrrggg!" I groaned, choosing to stay silent because, honestly, this early in the morning, he was already stressing me out.
"Hey! Come on, smile! We're almost at the office. Why are you frowning so early in the day? There's nothing wrong with a little endearment. It's just between us," he continued.
I stayed quiet, afraid of what else might come out of my mouth. Why didn't he understand that he shouldn't call me that? We weren't even together, and plenty of people knew I had a boyfriend. What would they think if they heard him calling me that? People were already whispering just because we were always together—what more if they heard him say that? Ugh, this is giving me a headache!
"Thanks. I'll head up first," I told him since we never went up to the office together, even though we carpooled.
"Okay. I'll just stop by the coffee shop," he replied. I didn't answer, just opened the car door and got out without looking back, heading straight for the elevator.
The whole day passed with work. Thankfully, he didn't pester me at the office. Sometimes, even when he didn't need anything, he would randomly pass by my cubicle or hang out there, chatting with my coworkers and asking them all sorts of nonsense. I usually ignored him unless he directly spoke to me—and even then, it was often just to say something ridiculous, which only fueled the rumors about us.
Past five o'clock, I left the office and texted Sean that I was heading downstairs first because I had to make a quick stop.
"You could've just told me you were going to the ATM. We could've gone together," was the first thing he said when I got into the passenger seat.
"It's fine."
"Where to?"
"Just take me home."
"Aren't you tired from working all day? You're still going to cook?"
"I can manage."
"Nope. We're eating out. My treat," he said, flashing a big smile.
"No need. That's expensive! I thought you were saving up for your business? Yet you keep spending on our outings?"
"Of course, my savings are secured. This is separate—it's the budget for us," he said confidently, eyes still on the road.
"Sean, you know I don't like it when you're always the one paying, especially for me."
"Lui, eating is normal! Come on, we work all day, and you expect us not to eat properly? That would be totally unjust! "And besides, I know you're tired from work, so let's just eat out—at least once in a while," he complained.
"That's not what I meant! You always twist the conversation," I pouted again.
"Lui, just let me be, okay? You will never win against me when it comes to food. We are definitely eating out, whether you like it or not, at a restaurant from time to time. It's not even an expensive place, so stop complaining. Besides, even when you're not with me, I do this with our other office mates anyway, so it's nothing new for me. Okay?"
"Do whatever you want!"
"Come on, smile for me. You've been frowning at me since this morning. I miss your beautiful smile," he tried to coax me.
"Sean Phillip, stop annoying me! Please don't pester me anymore!"
"Oh wow, now you're using my full name! You're really grumpy today! But when you're with Jessy, all you do is smile and laugh," he complained.
"Wow! What was that? Are you a stalker now?"
"Of course not!"
"Oh? Then how do you even know that? Explain yourself!"
"I see you in the cafeteria during lunchtime. Isn't it true that you're always laughing with them?"
"Well, that's because Jessy, Denver, and Cy aren't as annoying as you! All they do is tell funny stories, so of course, I end up laughing!"
"So, you mean to tell me I've never made you laugh? That's harsh, Lui! I take care of you, you know."
"Oh, please! Stop being so dramatic! It doesn't suit you."
That was the last thing I said to him. I could tell I had irritated him again, and the rest of the drive was silent. But I knew that no matter how annoyed he got, he wouldn't be able to ignore me for long. Give it a few minutes, and he'd start teasing me again.
I don't know, I get annoyed with him, but I can't seem to get mad. And I also don't want him to ignore me—it feels like I'm going crazy.
An hour and a half later.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" he asked after we finished eating. The beers he ordered—just a small bottle each—had just been served, supposedly to help us sleep better later.
I didn't answer right away because my heart was pounding in my chest. I thought I was ready, but now that the moment was here, I was nervous all over again. I took a small sip of beer, hoping to gather some courage.
"Sean, I'm sorry for how I reacted the last time we talked. I want to make it clear that I was never mad at you. I was just… surprised. Even though, honestly, I already had some suspicions because of the way you act and how you treat me." He sat there quietly, staring at me while holding his beer bottle.
"I just didn't expect it because, from the very beginning, I was upfront with you about my life—including him. You're the one I talk to the most about everything in my life. You even know things before Ainee does because we spend so much time together every day. That's why I really didn't see this coming. I'm sorry." He furrowed his brows.
"Why are you apologizing? What is that sorry for? I don't get it."
"I'm sorry because… because of me, you've been struggling. And maybe I've hurt you without even knowing it. I don't know."
"You know, it's only natural to feel these things. At least it means I'm a normal human being, right?"
"You're impossible! I'm being serious, Sean!"
"What? I'm serious too, ga," he said, and I let out a big sigh. There he was again with that endearment. But I chose not to react this time, or else this conversation would never end, and there was still so much I wanted to say to him.
"Sean, please. Listen carefully, because I'll only say this once. I know it's wrong, but I once compared the two of you. You already know how he treats me because I've told you everything, right? So sometimes, I couldn't help but compare you. Because honestly, even if I didn't tell you, I know you already understand why. Because of you, I got to experience things I had long wished he would do for me. Everything. Absolutely everything. Especially the way you value me and the time you spend with me. The way you constantly encourage me to pursue my career dreams, and so much more," I clearly stated.
"I'm happy when I'm with you, even though you always tease me until I get annoyed, and then I end up annoying you back. At first, I thought I just enjoyed your company—that's why I always looked forward to seeing you again. But after that night, when I heard everything, you said, I realized that maybe it's more than that. Maybe I feel the same way. But I couldn't admit it to myself right away because I was scared. I was scared because I'm not free. And I wasn't sure about your feelings either. I never expected anything, because, let's be honest, I don't look like someone you'd fall for," I continued.
"But after that night, it was too late. No matter how much I told myself not to admit it, I couldn't deny it anymore. But the thing is, I can't. You know that, right? You know that I'm still in a relationship with him—even if we haven't spoken in months. And I don't want to be unfair to you, Sean. You don't deserve that," I added.
"Lui, I never told you all that because I was expecting something in return. That's not what this is about."
"I know. I know, Sean. But just like you, I didn't realize that I was starting to like you too—maybe because of the way you treat me and the fact that we're always together. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen either. And I'm not saying this just because of what you told me—I'm saying it now because I truly feel this way," I stop for a second before I began to tell him more.
"Actually, I wasn't even the one who interpreted all these feelings that I had been ignoring for so long. It was Ainee. She helped me understand everything. Turns out, she had known for a while, but she let me be because she knew that one day, I'd come to her for answers and ask for guidance. She even told me that when that day finally came—when I would finally seek her advice—it would mean that I was ready to face and admit my true feelings for you," I explained before downing the remaining beer in my glass.
"Take it easy. We're not fighting here, so no need to get drunk," he said, stopping me.
"Let me be. I'm not going to get drunk over one bottle. It's just to give me a little courage—this is nerve-wracking and embarrassing, okay?" I forced a laugh.
"I know. I felt exactly the same way when I confessed to you."
"Wait, I'm not done yet. Hold on." I signaled for two more bottles of beer, saying it would be my last, just so I could finish saying everything I needed to say.
"Are you sure?" he asked, making sure.
"Of course. You can still drive even after two bottles, right?"
"Yup. No problem. I'm sober, okay? I'm more worried about you"
"I'm definitely okay, just a little nervous and embarrassed. But I'll get through this. Hooo!" I patted my chest lightly, as if trying to gather courage.
"Seriously, Sean, why did you like me?"
"Huh?"
"Why did you fall for me? My question is clear, don't you get it?"
"I get it. I just don't know why you're asking. Do I really have to answer that?"
"Yes, please?"
"Honestly, I don't know why. One day, I just realized that I was always looking for you. I always wanted to be with you because I felt a different kind of happiness when I was around you. I didn't care if you had a boyfriend or whatever. The only thing that mattered to me was that I was happy whenever I saw you—especially when you smiled at me. That's all that mattered to me."
"Really? Even when you're annoyed with me?"
"That's another thing—even when I know you're intentionally trying to piss me off, I don't really mind. In fact, I sometimes prefer it because at least it means you're paying attention to me. Unlike in the office, where you act so distant, like you're a million miles away," he said seriously.
"Alright, I'll take note of that!" I said with a laugh. He chuckled too and shook his head.
"I feel the same. I'm happy whenever I'm with you. A different level of happiness that I only feel this way now. And feels amazing to know that you're always attentive and observant when it comes to me. To me, that means you value me—because you wouldn't notice all those little things if I didn't matter to you, right? And that makes me so happy. Thank you for everything you've done for me," I said as I gazed at him. But I couldn't hold eye contact for long—it was too intense.
"Why can't you look at me for long?" he teased again.
"I just can't! It's like you're about to devour me alive," I huffed. He laughed loudly, making the people at the nearby tables turn to look at us.
"Hey! You're embarrassing! Lower your voice!" I scolded him.
"Why should I? What do they care? I'm happy! People shouldn't be surprised when someone's happy. They should only be concerned if they see me crying."
"You're such a philosopher!" I rolled my eyes, but at least his laughter was quieter now.
"Let's just finish our drinks so we can leave. We can continue this conversation later."
"Oh no, palangga is sulking again," he teased.
"Shut up! You're giving me goosebumps!"
"Why? I'm just happy!"
"Come on, let's go!"
"Wait, let me finish. Just a little more. And hold on, let me pay first. Geez, you're in such a rush," he said as he waved down the server for our bill.
Of course, we ended up arguing over the payment because he refused to accept my money—he insisted it was his treat. Even the waitress laughed at our little spat. In the end, I lost because he gave her a wink, and she only accepted his payment.
My phone buzzed one afternoon.
Ainee: Hey, Lui! Do you have anywhere else to go after work?
Me: Hello, Ain's. I'm just having dinner with my office mates before heading home. We made plans earlier during lunch. Why?
Ainee: Oh, it's because… you have a visitor. I'm not sure if you'd want me to bring him to your apartment.
Me: Huh? Who?
I suddenly felt nervous. I had a suspicion, but I was afraid to confirm it.
Ainee: It's Georje. He called me earlier when he arrived at the pier and asked me to pick him up. He didn't call you because he wanted to surprise you. Don't worry, I didn't tell him anything.
Me: I thought he didn't have money? How did he get here? Hold on—I'm struggling to process everything you just said. I don't even know how to face him.
Ainee: I understand. I was shocked by his sudden arrival too. But your situation with him is different from mine. That's why I called—I wanted to know what you plan to do.
Me: Hold on a sec, I'm still at the office. Can you let me finish what I'm working on first? Otherwise, I might get in trouble. I promise I'll call you in an hour. Sorry.
Ainee: It's okay. I'll just tell him you're busy and that we won't be going to your office. He actually wanted us to drop by and see you. I had to come up with so many excuses just to stop him from insisting on waiting for you at your apartment. Honestly, I even lied and told him I didn't have a key to your unit.
Me: Thank you. Let's talk later, please. I'll be in big trouble if someone catches me on the phone right now. Thanks again, and I'm really sorry. Bye.
I didn't wait for her response—I quickly ended the call and rushed to the restroom. I needed to check my reflection because I was sure I had turned pale from shock. I also felt like I was about to pee myself from sheer nervousness.
Damn it! "Why now, of all times? What should I do? What should I tell Sean?"
In the end, I never got to talk to him that night because there was an emergency at the office, so I couldn't go to Ainee's place. Because of that, Georje ended up leaving without us meeting or talking. It wasn't my fault—I didn't mean for things to turn out that way.
I was beyond grateful that Ainee understood my situation. Georje only stayed for two days before returning to Mindanao since, apparently, he hadn't even informed his family about his trip.