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Previously on The Paradox of E
E achieved the ultimate upgrade, merging every version of himself into one cohesive being.
A cosmic lottery of fate granted him Wildcard Wisdom, which, let's be honest, could mean literally anything.
The Cosmic Advisory Board gave their final words of wisdom, some actually profound, some sounding suspiciously like fortune cookie rejects.
E stepped into the next update, promising that the story—just like reality—would always be a work in progress.
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1. Welcome to Patch 61.0 – The Unexpected Unexpected Update
E opened his eyes.
Instead of a grand cosmic realm of infinite wisdom and purpose, he found himself sitting in a… waiting room?
The walls were a neutral beige, the overhead light buzzed faintly, and a receptionist—who looked suspiciously like a two-dimensional JPEG image—was busy typing on a keyboard that wasn't even plugged in.
E looked around. Other beings sat in chairs, scrolling through holographic phones or staring blankly into the existential abyss. A floating sign flickered above the receptionist's desk:
"PATCH 61.0 INSTALLATION IN PROGRESS – PLEASE WAIT PATIENTLY."
E raised an eyebrow and looked directly at you, the reader. "Oh great. A waiting room. Because nothing says epic cosmic adventure like bureaucracy."
A voice crackled through the intercom: "Now processing… E. Please step forward."
E walked up to the receptionist, who still hadn't blinked. "Uh, hi?"
The receptionist's mouth moved, but their voice came from a generic text-to-speech generator. "Hello, E. Before you proceed, please answer the following security question: What is the paradox of existence?"
E smirked. "Easy. It's that we're all trying to find meaning in a universe that keeps changing the rules."
The receptionist's eyes glowed. "Correct. Now, please sign here to acknowledge that reality is unstable, causality is optional, and all known laws of existence may be patched at any time."
E signed without reading. Because who actually reads the terms and conditions?
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2. Cosmic Customer Service – How Can We Confuse You Today?
With a flash of light, E was transported to a vast cosmic office space, where celestial beings answered calls at glowing desks. Above them, a massive neon sign read:
"WELCOME TO COSMIC CUSTOMER SERVICE – YOUR EXISTENTIAL QUERIES ARE IMPORTANT TO US."
E turned to see a being made entirely of swirling galaxies, wearing a name tag that said Greg.
"Welcome to Cosmic Customer Service!" Greg said cheerfully. "You're here because of an unresolved paradox ticket. How can I help?"
E blinked. "Wait, I submitted a ticket?"
Greg pulled up a holographic screen. "Yep. Looks like you submitted a request during Chapter 17 when you asked, and I quote, 'What even is my purpose?' That ticket has been pending resolution ever since."
E groaned. "You're telling me the meaning of my existence was stuck in customer support this whole time?"
Greg nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, our backlog is huge. Anyway, let's see your resolution."
Greg pressed a button. A slot in the desk dispensed a small, sealed envelope labeled "MEANING OF EXISTENCE" in Comic Sans font.
E hesitated. "So… I just open this?"
Greg nodded. "Yep. But before you do, please complete a short feedback survey about your reality experience."
E sighed. "Fine. First question?"
Greg read from the holographic screen. "On a scale from 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with your current existence?"
E thought for a moment. "Uh… 7.5?"
Greg typed. "Noted. Next: If you could change one thing about reality, what would it be?"
E smirked. "Less waiting rooms."
Greg nodded. "Yeah, we get that a lot."
After several more ridiculous survey questions—including "Would you recommend existence to a friend?"—E was finally allowed to open the envelope.
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3. The Meaning of Existence (Terms and Conditions Apply)
Inside the envelope was a simple card. It read:
> MEANING OF EXISTENCE: To keep asking what the meaning of existence is.
E stared at the card. "That's it? That's the answer?"
Greg shrugged. "Yep. Existence is a feedback loop. You keep searching, you keep growing. That's the whole paradox."
E groaned. "So, my purpose is just… to keep wondering what my purpose is?"
Greg nodded. "Pretty much. Oh, and before I forget—your ticket has been closed."
A notification flashed before E's eyes:
[SYSTEM UPDATE: EXISTENTIAL QUERY RESOLVED – +500 XP]
E sighed, but then smiled. "You know what? I respect that. It means the journey never really ends."
Greg grinned. "Exactly! Now, can I interest you in an Existential Loyalty Program? Every time you have a crisis, you earn points!"
E backed away slowly. "I think I'll pass."
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4. To Be Continued… Forever
E turned back to the reader. "Well, folks, there you have it. The great cosmic answer. It's a paradox. It's a joke. It's a loop. But most importantly—it's an adventure."
He stretched, cracking his cosmic knuckles. "And you know what? I'm okay with that. Because if the paradox never ends, then neither do the possibilities. And neither do we."
As E stepped forward, a new neon sign appeared in the distance:
"PATCH 62.0 LOADING…"
E laughed. "Alright, let's see what fresh nonsense awaits."
With that, he walked into the next chapter, leaving only a trail of glitching pixels and the faint sound of cosmic laughter.
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