"Then let me ask you this. Do you feel like you care for me?"
Once again, Ilay was at a loss for words. He averted his eyes, and his fingers brushed his hair again. At that moment, Taeui felt like he could finally read Ilay again, and he knew Ilay's answer was 'no.' Ilay struggled to say anything, knowing that what he was thinking would make Taeui sad. Taeui almost smiled seeing Ilay struggle so much, however, he turned his question around, hoping that Ilay could answer.
"Instead, answer this. Do you feel like I care for you?"
"Yes." His answer was immediate.
"Why?"
Once again, his reply was immediate, "Because I do."
"But when I say the same, you throw up a fit," murmured Taeui, rubbing his temples. He locked his eyes again on Ilay and insisted. "But why do you feel like that? Explain it."
After a moment of pondering, Ilay finally spoke. "Because whenever I come back from a job, you always look at me with a worried expression that only eases when you see I'm not hurt. And even though you smile at everyone around you, when you smile at me, it's different. In the nights I have nightmares, you will always lay on your back and open your arms, grumbling 'come here' half asleep until I hold you in my arms. And then you pat my back saying 'I'm here'." A smile showed on Ilay's face, and the storm in his eyes resumed to a soft, warm breeze. "Sometimes, you even kiss my forehead." He chuckled.
"And even though you always say it's more peaceful when I'm not around, you get lonely and bored when I'm away for too long. And then end up sticking close to me when I'm back and doing things that rile me up if I don't give you enough attention. Even though after you grumble and pout, saying that I'm too much." Ilay laughed again. "It's adorable."
Taeui was taken aback by what Ilay said. He had no idea he acted like that. A warmth grew in Taeui's face as it turned bright red, and he looked away, rubbing the back of his hand on his cheek. Ilay stepped closer to him, and Taeui didn't flinch or step back. The atmosphere turned to how it normally was between them.
'I missed this,' Taeui thought, feeling the comfortable atmosphere between them. When Ilay caressed Taeui's face with his finger, softly turning his head so their eyes met, he thought again how much he had missed it. Ilay held Taeui close as he planted soft kisses on his face until their lips finally brushed together. Instead of a ravaging kiss that left him breathless, Taeui was surprised by the soft mellow kiss and couldn't control his arms when they wrapped around Ilay's neck. After a moment that felt extremely short, Taeui pulled back and looked at Ilay. "Do you understand now? I could say those reasons aren't enough to feel loved, but at the end of the day, you still feel cared for, right?"
Ilay nodded, but doubt still lingered in his eyes. Taeui took a deep breath, unsure how to make Ilay understand.
"Do you know how Kyle takes his coffee?" asked Taeui, trying anything at this moment.
"... No."
"Do you like to play with Christoph's hair?"
"Hell no."
"What happened to the last person who punched you?"
"In the hospital."
"Besides me, do you have sex with anyone else?"
"Fuck no," said Ilay with irritation in his eyes. But before Taeui continued, he interrupted. "I know what you are doing, but like I said before, these things just mean I'm comfortable with you, and I pay attention to you."
Taeui wanted to slap Ilay for being so dumb sometimes.
"Do you remember what happens whenever I get badly hurt?"
Ilay's expression turned murderous, remembering the times he witnessed Taeui get hurt and how it made him feel. Breakable. Vulnerable. Hurting.
"And what is your one and only fear?"
"..."
A shiver ran up Taeui's spine, seeing Ilay's expression turning even colder. "Why is it so difficult for you to understand that it shows you care?"
"Because." Ilay raised his voice. "Because there's nothing to prove I care. Anyone can buy you presents and take you on trips and know how you like your coffee."
Taeui sighed deeply, and after a long time, he finally talked.
"Ilay, do you like me?"
"Yes."
"Then is that not good enough?"
"..."
"Since when do you care what others think?" Taeui whispered to himself. "In fact, whenever you show me more of your human side, it makes me happy that no one else gets to see it. If I think about it… I guess I did tame you a bit… wait, something outrageous just came out of my mouth."
The second Taeui realised he said his thoughts out loud, he pressed his lips together, his eyes bulging, staring at Ilay. Taeui shook his head, trying to come up with words to explain his blunder, but Ilay's expression remained calm. Thoughtful even.
"Is that a good thing?" Ilay asked while Taeui stared at him. Taeui was confused about what Ilay was referring to and quirked his brow.
"Me, being tamed."
"Well... you aren't tamed at all. You do whatever you want, even if I say otherwise. But it's kind of like… you know, wolves and lions and predatory type of mammals will bare their teeth to everyone to protect their territory, but then they show their bellies and necks to their partners."
"So you are saying that because I'm relaxed around you and show you my weak spots, that means I'm tamed. …and that's good?" Ilay said with a slight coldness in his voice.
"The reason you can easily show that side to me is because you trust me implicitly. And that kind of trust shows you care."
"But Taeui, even if you attacked me, I probably wouldn't die."
"I don't have a death wish, so of course I won't attack you. And that's besides the point." Taeui sighed, feeling tired and needing some fresh air. "You are making me tired early in the morning. I'm going for a walk," said Taeui, but Ilay held him in place and softly kissed his face again.
"Don't." It was more a plea than anything else.
"You still aren't convinced, and there's not much I can say to make you understand."
"Hmm. I'll work it out on my own."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Don't worry about it. More than that, I missed you."
Ilay held Taeui closer and walked him towards the bed, their lips never parting. Slowly, he lifted Taeui and laid him on the bed. As the kiss continued, Taeui couldn't suppress a smile. Ilay noticed it through the kiss and pulled back, watching him with his brow lifted.
"Even the way you jump me the second you work through your doubts tells me you love me."
Taeui realised his mistake when he saw Ilay's eyes round, his lips parted, and a faint red tint showed on his cheeks. He felt a pang in his heart seeing such an expression, and he wanted to brand that expression in his memory. 'I didn't realise I could fall even more for him' he thought as he reached for Ilay's face with his fingers. It felt hot to the touch. A boyish smile showed on Ilay's face as he chuckled happily, and Taeui couldn't stop his own laugh from bubbling up. Taeui traced his fingers down to his chest.
"Taeui, do you like it that I know how you take your coffee?"
"Yes."
"And that I know which tea you are in the mood for?"
"Yes."
"Do you like that I play with your hair?"
"Geez. Yes." Taeui was red from the questioning, but he answered nonetheless, he had nothing to hide from this man. He read much more on the letter Taeui wrote. His hand settled on Ilay's chest when he asked, "Taeui, do you like it when I call your name?"
"Yes, I love it."
'Ah, this is dangerous.'
He felt Ilay's heart through his hand, how hard it thumped against his chest when Taeui said he loved it. How it was beating so forcefully against his palm, but not rushed. It was steady, languid almost, as they continued to exchange words, eyes on each other as if the rest of the world had disappeared.
"Taeui, do you like my hands?"
"Yes."
"Taeui…"
'Ah, they are the same.'
Their hearts were beating in sync with each other, languid and strong.
"Taeui, there is only one thing that I truly want."
"...I know."
"I will give you whatever you want."
"...I don't need anything else."
Ilay's smile grew.
'Ah, this is definitely dangerous.'
"Taeui, I–"
Taeui put his hands to Ilay's mouth to stop him from talking. He could feel the deep shade of red on his cheeks and nape. "You don't have to say anymore," he stammered.
Ilay nodded and held Taeui's hand, slowly kissing his fingers. "Then what else do you like about me?"