I've only been in jail for five minutes and I've already been raped twice.
My uncle really doesn't mess around when playing Monopoly.
...
That was just an uncle joke. Don't mind it.
But Erect did mind something else.
"I can't accept your father as my uncle, my lord. I am not deserving enough for that."
Bruh, if we're talking about deserving, then I also didn't do anything to deserve a father who treats milk like a personal religion.
"Fine. And get that bottle away, old man. How did you even store it?"
"Well, I directly targeted m—"
"Don't finish that sentence. I'll make the Aliens drink it."
"Sure."
"My son!"
Another hug.
This time, it was my mother.
I hugged her back, but she quickly pulled away to examine me like a suspicious item at a flea market.
"Have you been eating? You look so thin."
Yeah, Mom, the unicorn semen diet has been doing wonders.
"It's been four days since I left the village. I physically can't shrink that fast."
"My grandson!"
"Grandma!"
She ran up and hugged me. The only person I truly loved. Even if she was a goblin, her warmth never changed.
After the hug, she stepped back and squinted at me.
"You've lost weight!"
"I know. But now that you're here, everything is fine."
My mother blinked. "When I said that, you argued with me!"
Sorry, Mom. I'm biased toward your mom.
"Don't be jealous of your mom, Mom. Move on." I patted her head. She kicked the ground like a toddler. Grow up, woman. You have a son now.
"My nephew!"
Ah, Goblin Aunty Sofia.
For clarity: Sophia is Erect's sister. Sofia is my mother's sister. If you can't tell the difference, drop out of school and stop wasting your parents' money.
"You've gotten more handsome," she said.
"And I think you've gotten smarter," I replied.
"You bet I have! I even stopped climbing over glass walls to see what's behind them."
"Er... right. Good for you."
Didn't know she was that stupid. If she ever got locked inside a furniture store, she'd probably sleep on the floor.
Anyway, she stepped aside, and the next person came.
"My grandson!"
My grandpa.
We hugged, and then he pulled back with a grin.
"Lost your virginity yet?"
Not exactly subtle, old man. But I answered honestly.
"Nope. Had plenty of chances, but if I took them, I'd lose all interest in sex forever."
"Hah! Don't worry. You'll get more chances. You're the Hero King."
He patted my shoulder. Burly, white-haired, mustached—handsome. Must be where I got my looks from.
"I still remember my first time," Grandpa said.
He must have done another race.
"With whom?" I asked.
"An orc."
Called it.
"An orc?" Erect asked, eyes wide.
"Yes, child." Grandpa replied. "It was the first time for both of us."
Erect leaned in, curious. "How was it?"
Why are you so interested, man?
Grandpa looked at the sky with nostalgia. "It was a pain in the ass."
Wait.
"A pain in the ass? Who exactly lost their virginity to whom?"
Grandpa coughed. "Well, you can't blame the orc. It was his first time too."
"HIS?!" My eyes widened. "Wait… so it was a pain in the ass because… Don't tell me—"
"I thought he was a female, okay? But by the time I realized the mistake, it was too late. So I just went with it."
"You just went with it? That wasn't some amusement park ride, man!"
"I know, I know… but hey, the orc was happy, so that counts for something."
Grandpa laughed. I side-eyed Erect, wondering what he thought of my family.
"Don't mind him, Erect. He just likes to joke."
Erect gave me a complicated smile. "It's fine, my lord. Now I'm absolutely sure that I'm not deserving enough to receive your family."
...I'm not sure if that was praise or an insult. Moving on.
"Let me introduce you all to these two." I gestured to Erect and Sophia.
"Oh! You got yourself a girlfriend! That's my son!" My father beamed.
I wish that were true.
"No, this young man is the strongest Hero on the continent, and that girl is his sister. She sees me as an older brother, so she's my sister too."
"Nice to meet you," Erect bowed.
"Nice to meet you," Sophia did the same.
"Oh! Your name is Sofia too!" Goblin aunty Sofia perked up.
As expected. She lacked the education to distinguish between Sophia and Sofia. The two shook hands and became instant best friends.
Then my mother stepped forward and touched Sophia's face gently.
"I always wanted a daughter. Consider us family, dear."
Oh? That was surprisingly normal. Maybe Mom could hold a conversation without—
"Would you like to drink milk now that you're my daughter?"
...Never mind.
"No, I'm good, ma'am." Sophia declined politely.
"Come on, don't be shy. You'll like it."
Mom, leave the girl alone.
Before I could intervene, my father stepped forward with an excited look.
"Oh! You're into that too?"
Into what? Why does he look so happy?
Sophia tilted her head. "You're also the same as me, sir?"
My father nodded like an overenthusiastic chicken.
"Yes, yes! I am also like you! You see…"
He leaned in closer with a warm smile and proudly declared:
"I also licktoes in toilet."
...
Sophia, you should run.