Maybe I should stop drinking, I think as I step out of the elevator. I'm carrying a box with clothes and some food. My brother has been staying with our dad and mom this week.
As soon as I enter the living room, I find my dad and brother arguing.
— What's wrong with you two? — I ask.
— Your brother is incompetent! He has good legs, he's young, but he's more useless than I am!
— Don't say that, Dad. He's trying. — I defend my brother while placing the box with clothes and hygiene items on a small table.
— Hm. — He huffs and then looks away. Sora puts his hands in his pockets. — Go on, tell your brother the truth.
— Sali… Do you remember when I used to gamble? — Suddenly, my stomach churns. It's been over a week since I last saw them. Only now do I notice that his left eye is bruised, along with some marks near his neck.
He owes someone money.
— How much? — He looks at me, hesitant to answer. — I asked how much!
— 20 thousand.
I take the emergency stairs at the hospital, dragging Sora by the ear down to the parking lot. There, I punch him and grab his shirt.
— I didn't know things would turn out like this.
— How could you not know? We've been on the edge for six months! And now you just add another problem! You should be helping!
— I do help. I have helped.
— Not this time! A 20-thousand-dollar debt? Mom needs surgery, I have to pay for Dad's physical therapy. How does being 20 grand short help? What lie do you want to tell our younger siblings?
— You don't have to pay.
— If I don't pay, we'll lose someone! We already owe a loan shark! You didn't have to make it worse. My salary alone isn't enough. Do you even realize that?
— Just sell the orchard.
— You want to explain that to our parents? You think I haven't tried? They don't want to sell!
Sora kicks the ground.
— Just sell the orchard!
And he storms off.
— Where are you going?
He doesn't answer me. Sora doesn't seem okay. He's always been a better son than me. When the storm hit, he was the one there. He's always been closer to our parents. I only came home a few times on weekends. Maybe he resents me for that.
I wish things could go back to the way they were as soon as possible. We all think that. That's why none of us have given up anything yet. But the truth is, we're just waiting to see which one of us will give up first.
With so many problems, one of my escapes is watching my coworker. I've had a huge crush on him for as long as I can remember. It's a feeling that wavers a lot. Yoma is like an ideal. I'm obsessed with him. His gummy smile, his fair skin… I've spent hours imagining what our life together would be like. Min Yoma is just a year older than me, at 29.
— Are you tired? Did you sleep well last night? — The delivery guy always shows concern for Yoma's well-being.
I wet my lips as I try to avoid looking at Jaemin's hands, which gently move up to cup his boyfriend's cheeks. He's smiling, too. I have to admit, Jaemin is handsome, with an even more beautiful smile. He's the one who makes Yoma smile.
— I want that too… — I whisper, looking away. My body heats up. I'd say it's pure envy, because you can't be jealous of something that was never yours. Yoma's hands only reach my body because we're friends and nothing more. I glance back at the couple. The delivery guy has already moved around to sit beside Yoma, both of them close, smiling at each other.
I get up and head to the bathroom. Lucas has probably left me a message. When I told him about the tattooed guy, he got excited, saying it was like something out of a fanfic and that I should try to find him again since he treated me well.
Lucas: [Does he have a piercing on his eyebrow?]
I've never seen Lucas so excited about one of my "flings."
Dad: [The nurse said your mom is fine, not in any immediate danger, though she still needs surgery.]
My dad's last message eases me a little. Maybe I can delay things a bit longer.
— Another one! — I say.
— Don't overdo it, Sali. Take it easy. — Jaemin warns. The three of us—Yoma, Jaemin, and I—often go out together after work.
Jaemin is bold enough to flirt with me sometimes, too. If I let my guard down, he pinches my cheeks and kisses my forehead, claiming he finds me adorable.
That's exactly why Honey Bun is my nickname. This annoying guy is my childhood friend.
— Let him be, Jaemin.
Sometimes, I just need to smile and make a cute face.
— Are you jealous, Yoma? I know I'm irresistible to you both. — I run a hand over my chin dramatically and lean back.
They laugh. It's great having their attention like this. I wouldn't say I crave attention, but I hate being ignored.
Time flies when I'm with them. I ask for a ride home, but it's not always a good idea to go with the two of them.
— Can you guys stop? Drop me off first, then eat each other up later. Single lives matter! — I complain, seeing Jaemin shudder suddenly while driving. Yoma's hand is where it shouldn't be.
— Sorry, Sali, Yoma isn't usually like this.
— I know! — I snap, irritated, opening the car door. — See you later, Yoma, Jaemin.
— See you, Sali!
As I climb the stairs to my apartment building, I try to ignore the fact that their car is still parked in the same spot.
I needed to go out again. Watching Yoma and Jaemin was starting to become unbearable. That's why I went out alone yesterday, even though I usually go out with Lucas or JP... but JP and I are currently fighting.