Chapter Three
Kierra's POV
At this moment, there's only one thing racing through my mind: how utterly foolish I am. If there were an award for the most stupid person on planet Earth, I'm sure I would be unopposed for that title. I feel so ridiculously naïve, it's almost laughable. I can't believe I thought we could actually have a chance together. The more I replay our moments in my head, the more I realize just how blind I've been. I'm even more foolish for thinking that he would ever look at me the way he looks at his flings. Even if it's just lust in his eyes, at least I would have been able to feel that attention directed at me, even for a fleeting moment. But the most painful realization of all is that I was extremely naïve to think he might see me as more than just a friend. Kierra, you are really, truly stupid; you are so, so, so foolish. The thought barely leaves room in my head to contain the emotions that bubble up whenever he is near me.
"Hey, Kierra, are you okay? Did I say something wrong?" he asks, concern etched all over his handsome face.
"No, of course not," I reply, my voice shaky as I sniff back my tears.
"You look like you're about to cry. Tell me what's wrong," he says, gently taking my hands in his.
"It's nothing, Xander. I'm listening," I say, carefully removing my hands from his grasp, knowing that it would only hurt me more to feel his warmth.
"Are you sure? I could tell you later if you're feeling bad right now," he suggests, his eyes searching mine for a hint of the truth.
"No, tell me now. I'm used to it anyway," I insist, my heart racing.
"Used to what?" he inquires, a hint of confusion in his voice.
"Nothing! Just tell me!" I urge, my emotions swirling dangerously close to the surface.
"Okay, if you say so. Remember when we made that deal? I said I'd make my relationship work, and you'd go out with someone else? Well, who better than Jennifer? She's beautiful; she's amazing. And for once, I think I actually like a girl…" he says with a smile, but my heart shatters inside me as his words sink in. Each cheerful word feels like a dagger, twisting deeper into my chest, and I can hardly breathe.
"So it's her birthday tomorrow, and since I broke up with Kate, I was thinking of asking her out properly. Who better to help me than you, right? Please, Kierra, I really, really like Jennifer. You have to help me out on this one! I'm doing this because I want to make the relationship work, and so you'll have a chance at love, Kierra. So would you help me out, please?" Xander pleaded, his eyes earnest and full of hope. I felt my own eyes welling up with tears, the weight of his words pressing down on my chest.
"Xander..." I began, my voice weary and filled with a mixture of exhaustion and heartbreak.
"Please, Kierra! I get so nervous around her; I can't do it without you! I need your help, please! You have to help me! I'll do anything you want, anything at all!" His desperation was palpable, and it twisted a knife in my already aching heart.
"The only thing I'll ever want is for you to look at me the way you look at them, for you to kiss me the way you kiss them, and for you to love me like no one else..." I whispered to myself, feeling both anger and sadness swirl inside me.
"Kierra, please..." he added, drawing me back to the conversation.
"Umm, Xander, I have things to do tomorrow, you know," I replied, trying to muster some resolve.
"Come on, I'll tell your parents! Plus, we won't take long. I just need you to help set up dinner and some balloons at the school's rooftop," he said, his grin infectious despite my turmoil.
"You're gonna ask her on the rooftop?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper, hoarse from holding back my emotions.
"Yeah! It's the most romantic place I could think of! Isn't it great?" he said, his eyes sparkling with excitement.
"Yeah, it's great. Umm, can I use the restroom before we go?" I needed a moment to gather myself, to suppress the storm of emotions raging within me.
"Sure! Should I wait for you here?" he asked, still cheerful and blissfully unaware of the turmoil he was causing.
"No, I'll meet you in the car," I said, my voice trembling as I fought back the tears threatening to spill over.
"Okay, see you!" he said, oblivious to the pain I was feeling as he got up. I made my way to the restroom, each step feeling heavier than the last, my heart pounding painfully in my chest.
The moment I entered, I didn't even try to blink back the tears; I let them fall freely as I walked toward the door, slamming it shut behind me. I crouched down, breaking out in sobs as my heart felt like it was being torn to shreds by Xander Thompson's indifference.
I didn't care how long I stayed in there; I just let the tears flow, not caring if anyone saw me in the restroom, not caring if it was even the ladies' restroom. I cried and cried, feeling as if it were the only thing I could do. I knew that after today, I would have lost any chance of being with Xander, and the thought crushed me.
Eventually, I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. My head throbbed from the intensity of my emotions, but I rinsed my face and tried to pull myself back together. I forced a smile onto my face, even though I felt utterly broken inside. I walked out of the restroom, determined to act like everything was fine, even though I was shattered within.
NEXT DAY -
"So that's what happened. I guess now he wants me to help him prepare everything for today. He's had everything ready; I just need to help set it up and check things out..." I explained to Maya in the lab when we had recess the next day. My mind was racing with a mix of excitement and dread about the entire situation.
"'Now you've really lost it. You can't seriously be thinking of helping him," Maya exclaimed, her eyes wide with disbelief.
"He's my bestie! Of course, I have to help him. Plus, if I don't, he'll start getting suspicious. This is all my fault; I made the stupid deal with him, Maya. So, I just have to deal with it. I just have to bear the pain. I'll be fine. I'll get used to it," I replied, trying to convince myself as much as her.
"You think so, huh? You won't get used to it. You can't. You know why? Because no matter how you see it, you love him, Kierra! You know him better than he knows himself. But you can't just stop being so fricking stupid and open up to him! He loves you too!" Maya's passionate words struck a chord within me, igniting the inner turmoil I had been trying to suppress.
"He doesn't, Maya. He doesn't! Stop it! Just let it go!" I shot back, feeling a mix of frustration and despair.
"You'll never know unless you talk to him, Kierra. Just do it, or else you'll keep getting hurt, just like yesterday when you cried your eyes out, right? Of course, you cried! That's what you always do when he hurts you! Right? So this time wasn't an exemption. You cried, right? You can't get over him. He isn't just a crush that you like; you love him, Kierra! I really don't know why he doesn't see how much you love him. But my advice is that you tell him about it before it's too late, or else you might actually lose him. And this time, he won't come back to you..."
She said this with a mixture of concern and urgency before heading to her locker, leaving me in deep thoughts. Her words echoed in my mind, swirling around like a tempest. What if she was right? What if I was losing my chance to be with him? The idea of losing him was unbearable, yet the fear of confessing my feelings was paralyzing. I felt trapped, caught in a web of unexpressed emotions and unspoken words.
As I stared blankly at the notes in front of me, I realized how complicated things had become. It wasn't just about helping him set up; it was about confronting my own feelings, my fears, and the possibility of a love that could either blossom or shatter completely. I needed to make a decision, and soon. Time was slipping away, and I could feel the weight of my unresolved feelings pressing down on me. How long could I keep pretending that everything was fine?
"Oh hey, Kierra," Seth said, taking a seat beside me.
Seth was one of Xander's teammates, and he had a reputation for being persistent. He was the only one who kept asking me out, even after I turned him down every single time. No matter how many times I said no, he never stopped sending me flowers, leaving sweet notes in my locker, or inviting me to lunch. Each time, I politely declined because in the back of my mind, I held onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, Xander would ask me out soon. I kept thinking that if I said yes to Seth, it might spoil my chances with Xander, and I didn't want to risk that.
Don't get me wrong; Seth was incredibly cute and handsome. Lots of girls liked him, and anyone else would jump at the chance to go out with him. He had that magnetic charm that made him hard to resist. But for me, it was different. My heart was set on Xander, and I couldn't bring myself to entertain the idea of dating anyone else, even someone as wonderful as Seth.
"Hey, Seth," I replied, forcing a smile despite the weight of my thoughts.
"You're probably gonna say no again, but like I said, Kierra, I won't stop trying. I won't stop until you say yes." His determination was both flattering and frustrating.
"Seth, I…" I started, but he cut me off, his eyes earnest and sincere.
"I know you're not ready, and I respect that. But I really don't need you to love me. I just need you to let me love you and show you how amazing you are, just the way I see you," he said before standing up and walking away, leaving me with a whirlwind of emotions.
As the bell rang, signaling the end of the day, I wished this moment would never come. It was finally time to leave school on a typical day, but this time felt different. I had to check out Xander's decor and see how good it looked for the event. Maybe I could suggest some changes, or just take a quick peek. The last thing I wanted was to be there when he finally asked someone out or, worse, when they shared a kiss, as they always seemed to do.
I headed to the rooftop, my heart pounding with anticipation and dread. As I twisted the knob and pushed the door open, I was greeted by the most amazing decor I had ever seen. Bright balloons floated in the air, and a cheerful "Happy Birthday" sign was proudly displayed. The dinner setup looked incredible, with twinkling fairy lights and elegant table settings that screamed celebration. For a moment, I was lost in the beauty of it all, the vibrant colors and festive atmosphere momentarily distracting me from my swirling thoughts. But deep down, I knew that the real celebration was not just about the decorations; it was about the feelings that were about to unfold, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to face them.
Xander really outdid himself in this one; he must really, really like Jennifer then. I could hardly believe what I was witnessing. "So, Bes, is it okay, or is it too much?" he asked, his eyes searching mine for reassurance.
"It's perfect, Xander," I stammered, my hands trembling slightly as I tried to mask my own emotions. I couldn't help but feel a mixture of pride and pain as I watched him prepare for his big moment.
"I know you really want to go, but I don't know how long this would take, so..." he trailed off, uncertainty creeping into his voice.
"I can walk home or catch a ride; don't worry about me. I'll be fine, Xander," I replied, forcing a smile even though my heart felt heavy.
"Are you sure?" he asked, concern etched across his face.
"Yeah, I'm sure. Have fun," I said, turning away, needing to distance myself from the situation.
"Umm, Bes, one last thing... I, umm, wrote something for her, and I was wondering if you could listen to it and check it out if it was okay and all..." he said bashfully, and I felt a pang in my heart at how genuine he was being.
"Huh..." I replied, my voice hoarse. "It's just a few lines. Please, Bes, I'm so nervous right now. Please just listen."
"Okay," I said, barely able to control myself. Yet, I still couldn't find it in me to say no to him.
"Alright, here it goes," he began, taking a deep breath.
"Jennifer, ever since I met you, I've grown happier, and I've become more carefree than ever before. You make me feel things I never thought I would ever feel. I can't really say I love you right now, but I would love for you to teach me how to love you because I'm ready to learn. Go out with me, Jennifer." He finished, grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.
"So, how was it?" he asked, his hopeful expression looking for validation.
"It was... umm, it was good," I replied, blinking rapidly to prevent tears from falling.
"I'll go now. Bye, Xander," I said, rushing out before the floodgates could open.
"Xander..." I heard a gasp behind me as I quickly ducked behind the back door, wanting to hide from the situation that was unfolding.
"Hey, Jennifer! Happy birthday..." he greeted her, leaning in to peck her cheek lightly, and that was when the tears began to roll down mine.
I watched as they shared dinner, feeding each other bites of cake, their laughter ringing in my ears like a bittersweet melody. They even shared a little dance, swaying gently as if the world around them had faded away. But then, he said the exact same words I had just heard him practice, and she screamed, "Yessssss!" in response.
Before I knew it, he kissed her fiercely, and she made no attempt to stop him. Instead, she held onto him for support, kissing him back with the same intensity. I felt a sharp ache in my chest, and that was all it took for the tears to gush out nonstop as I quietly left them behind. I found myself walking home in tears, not caring about the stares I might have received from passersby. My heart was breaking, but I had to let them have their moment, even if it meant suffering in silence.
I got home to find the house empty, and honestly, I was really glad about that. The last thing I wanted was to explain why I was in tears and why I looked as if I had been shattered into a million pieces, because that was exactly how I felt in that moment. My eyes fell upon my old piano, a familiar sight that had once brought me so much joy. I realized it had been a while since I last played a song that only a select few knew I could perform. I wouldn't say I was particularly good at it, but I had been improving over time. With a deep breath, I blew the dust away from the keys, preparing myself to play once more.
As I sat down, I felt an overwhelming sense of numbness wash over me. I repeated to myself, "I feel so numb. So, so numb." Inside, I was all broken apart, struggling with a whirlwind of emotions. "I hate you," I murmured softly, followed by, "I love you." The conflicting feelings surged through me, and I began to cry as I sang a different tune. "Why can't I stop loving you?" I screamed out in frustration. "I hate that I love you..." My voice cracked as I shouted, tears streaming down my face.
Suddenly, my phone beeped, breaking through the storm of emotions. It was a message from Sethel: "Dinner Saturday night. I won't stop until you say 'Yes.'" At that moment, I didn't care about anything else, nor did I ponder how he got my number. I simply typed out a reply without a second thought: "SURE! I'D LOVE TO." The prospect of seeing him felt like a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness.