"How it feels to fall from this place." I was taken aback for a moment, and when I grasped the statement, I was beside Ralph in a heartbeat. "Your office is on the 15th floor, right?" Ralph turned toward me for the confirmation, and I felt like air was draining from everywhere. He raised an eyebrow, looking slightly puzzled. Is he fucking kidding me? "Oh sorry, my bad, I didn't mean it that way, and there is no way I would jump from a sealed French window, right?" He started laughing; nothing was helping, neither this statement nor this smile. I was utterly still in shock.
Ralph leaned on the window, facing me, chuckling. "Geez, sorry, I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was how you feel from falling. I mean, single-handedly, you have achieved so much over the period, if by chance everything collapsed, or any other factors made you give up. How do you feel?" I nodded my head once I got what he was asking. That was depth one. I questioned the exact same thing in a different way when that bastard Asher showed up. Fear of falling, I exhaled a long breath just thinking about that. Just thinking sort of pushes me to some phobia.
"Why do you ask?" Ralph turned toward the city view; his forehead pressed against the glass. "Like you guys, I didn't have any goals about my future, nor did I have any dream of achieving something. I knew I had to take over the company after my dad, so I followed the path. I objected neither, so I guess that was my future, unlike you guys." I badly wanted to make an air quote to ask who the other guy was, but somehow, I knew the other guy. Ralph's name is always attached to the other guy, so anyone could guess, I bet. I was silent, trying to find out where this was going, if only I were brilliant in these things and in figuring out Ralph.
"Why though?" I need clarity on this whole thing. Maybe it's nothing or something, but there's nothing wrong with knowing what his mind was thinking. "My career path was clear from the beginning, and I didn't object; I went with the flow. I didn't even try to think of anything else, solely concentrating on taking over the company and preparation related to that. I am not blaming my career path, either. I love running the company and the perks that come with that, unlike you guys." I huffed at the last two words. Why the hell was he including that bastard was beyond me.
"Asher's path was pretty much the same, taking over his dad's company, but he didn't show any interest from the beginning. He had a different dream, but he never got any support from his parents, which didn't stop him. He struggled so much in his earliest career days without any support. His achievement is purely because of his efforts, and the important thing is that he never gave up on his dream. Despite everything, he dreamed, he dreamed, he struggled, stood opposite his parents, and at last he achieved every single thing." I nodded in understanding, still not getting where this was going. "I thought everything was easy for him." He chuckled. "Nope, it wasn't. I witnessed everything. I wanted to help him. I tried to convince him so many times, but he didn't take any help from me, nor from my parents." "Well, good for him, I guess." He was silent in his thoughts, and I waited patiently. No hurry for anything, especially things related to them.
"On the other hand, you. You achieved everything with no aid, no financial support, yet you achieved so much from scratch. You stood out in the crowd with no money. You are a self-made man, with business and financial magazines gloating about your success. I didn't say till now, but I am really happy and proud of you and your achievement." And I never felt so much happiness in my success until this day. You bet I am proud of myself. Ralph's smile was full of warmth and appreciation; this day couldn't get any better.
"So, how do you feel falling from the straight top to the bottom?" I cringe at that, my heart literally stopping for a second. No matter how much I convince myself that it was ok to fall when I stood from the scratch. I was a terrified wreck. Somewhere, I know it wasn't ok; falling straight to the bottom was the worst nightmare in anyone's life. It wasn't ok when you fucking didn't have any backbone or any helping hand. It wasn't ok to struggle once again, to go through every fucking thing. It wasn't ok when your life was getting flipped entirely. It wasn't ok.
"Like you lost part of you. Like you lost your soul. Like you are betrayed by your success too, after so much hardship. It's the worst thing that could happen to anyone, and I hope no one goes through that, no one. I can't explain more than this." He hummed in return. "But I got your point." He stretched his lips a little, a small smile that was not reaching his eyes. After pondering for a moment, he spoke., "So, I was wrong." I turned toward him for more explanation. Once again, the same stretched smile not reaching his eyes. "I asked Asher to choose me over his career. The roots of all the problems that occurred in our lives were because of his career, so I told him to give up. Of course, he burst out, berating me as selfish. I didn't get how it actually was, but I am getting it now. I was selfish; I witnessed everything; I knew what he had gone through to reach where he was., I still suggested the idea. He took a long sigh. "Everything fucking messed up, don't you think?" You are fucking asking me, irony.
I stood beside him, not knowing how to respond. I don't want to put myself in anyone's shoes, nor Ralph's or that bastard's. Nope, it's fucking messed up, plus bloody complicated. You can't just expect to throw every fucking thing you achieved just like that; it's fucking insane. Definitely not heroic; it's stupidity. For once, I am thanking God that I wasn't targeted; then I wouldn't know what the hell my response would be. I was ok with falling, right? When you are on top, damn, how does it feel, and is it fucking worth it? I turned toward Ralph, who was gaping at the city. I couldn't comprehend my fucking thought. He is damn right; everything is fucking messed up.
I know he was meeting Asher now and then. I don't know what our future holds, but the way it's going, I don't know how things will end up. I am doing my best, doing my fucking best still; our relationship was not going anywhere from fucking. I don't know what the hell is going on in Ralph's mind. I want him; I definitely know that. I was doing everything to get him back in shape.
What the hell was I lacking in my part?
"After being in a relationship for so many years, don't I have the privilege to ask that much?" He turned toward me, and I raised an eyebrow. Was I supposed to answer? "I have not planned to rekindle our relationship at least for now, but I don't know why his answer mattered to me so much. Frankly, I don't even know if his answer would have any effect on me." I nodded my head with a blank expression as I was confused like hell.
"Is it too much to expect something like that? Is it too much to ask to give up on something you had dreamed of for your entire life for a relationship? Is it too much?" I turned toward Ralph while he was facing the window. Was I supposed to fucking answer these questions?
I once again played the questions in my mind, and I was taken aback even when it was not directed to me. I swallowed in fear and reminded myself it wasn't directed at me. Probably he was removing his frustration, but he chose the wrong person. We never discussed these kinds of things; suddenly, he was removing his frustration, catching me off guard. What the hell was he expecting? To answer the damn question when it wasn't directed to me at the same time, I am thanking every god that exists on earth for not putting me on the bloody spot.
Was it a cowardly way? No, right. I mean, it wasn't for me so that I could breathe in relief.
When I sought out my thoughts on something, other things would be on the bloody queue to blow me out and push me for another well. It wasn't directed to me once again; I murmur within me.
There was a long silence between us, and it was suffocating. I am not responsible for any shit Ralph had to deal with that bastard, but I couldn't relax my shoulder either. Why am I feeling this when I am not in the bloody spot? I should be fucking relaxed, right?
"I am sorry. Did I talk too much? I can vent out sometimes, right?" I faced Ralph and nodded at him; I couldn't voice out the same nor even form a friendly smile. I am not getting it, fucking why. "What do you think, is it too much to expect?" Here we fucking go. I am fucking taking back every thankful prayer.
What the hell am I supposed to answer?
A sweat formed on the side of my chin, which was slowly making its way downward. I wiped the same, turned toward the AC that was still running, and I was not getting why the hell I was still sweating. Somebody, pray tell, why? I loosened my tie and cleared my throat, trying to formulate words but miserably failing at the same time. He couldn't just do that, asking something randomly and expecting random answers. Things fucking won't work that way, especially when it involves money and power, for fuck's sake.
"You remember, right? Today I am going to a party with my friends. So, don't wait up for dinner; I will be late." I nodded my head.Ralph smiled in return, which didn't leave a trace of his thoughts.
He started walking out of my cabin without any other word or waiting for my answer.
I fucking didn't like any of this.