Beautiful.... (Kirei da na)
I am a coward. I never embraced the darkness in front of me. Instead, I hid in my room, drowning in dreams and stories, leaving the company of others behind.
I wonder what my pen weaves in the hearts of others. Did they ever see me in those clusters of black words—searching for something to help me live—or was it just the characters I breathed life into, as real as people could be? I don't know and will never know.
If I were to think about my life, I'd say it was a canvas of chaos and confusion—not black, not white, not even gray. Just madness.
When did I become a madman? Perhaps it was when my creators—my parents—left me to live their own lives. Or maybe it was when others saw me as an oddball. Children don't understand depression; for them, it's just pain, unbearable pain. And so, adults called them crazy because even they didn't know, or perhaps didn't want to know.
Not that it matters—I was just a stranger to them. Maybe not even that. I never got the chance to truly look at others while I slowly lost myself.
This colorless world, filled with people who are like chameleons—I don't hate them. I just don't want to be part of it. If I'm honest, I was never lucky. Living like a dead man is worse than dying.
I wonder what my karma will be. Would I go to hell for being a sloth? Or would the heavens welcome me for the burdens I've shouldered all these years?
Amidst the crowd, I slowly lose myself in their shadows, as if I never existed. I wonder what awaits me in the future. What should I choose? If I were the protagonist of some story, could someone have guided me—to live, to be happy, to find contentment in this simple life?
A good home, warm food, and money might satisfy most people. Orphans in the world would die for these things. And I? I'd willingly give up everything I have just to have a future. To live a life without a future—not even as a stranger—is unbearable.
Maybe, after all, I'm just a troubled teenager who can't even enjoy his own 18th birthday. I wanted to forget it, but unlike others, I never could.
How will this adult world welcome me? Should I follow in their footsteps like everyone else or carve a different path—an odd way for an oddball?
I couldn't hear the murmurs of the crowd. My ears and mind were filled with music from my headphones. I flicked a coin, letting it dance between my fingers before sending it into the air. The metallic glint caught the fading sunlight, momentarily sparkling like a star against the dull gray sky. The instrumental melody continued, its rhythm strangely aligning, syncing the coin flicking sound
For a fleeting moment, everything made sense.It filled me with satisfaction. For the first time, I noticed people smiling—something I'd never paid attention to before.
The feeling I experienced could only be described as a euphoric resonance—a moment when sound, action, and emotion aligned perfectly, creating a sense of joy and harmony.
It was euphoric. I smiled—just a small curl of my lips, but it was enough
The flicking of the coin matched the tempo of the song, forming a connection between what I heard and what I felt. This harmony evoked a sense of pleasure. It triggered a subconscious memory, even if I couldn't pinpoint its origin. I felt a surge of unexplained joy and comfort.
The music rose, and my pulse followed. The world seemed to shift. Like a child seeing the world in vivid colors, this moment created a unique connection—with others, with the universe. It resonated deeply, amplifying the sense of peace and happiness in this fleeting moment.
I entered a strange state of flow, where time seemed to slow, allowing me to see and feel what I'd never noticed before. If I had to describe this feeling, I'd write:
"A serene moment where music, action, and emotions merged, creating a feeling of perfect alignment and contentment. It was as if the universe briefly made sense through rhythm and sound."
The coin I flicked was still in the air when I saw her.
She stood frozen in the middle of the road—a girl, no older than me, staring blankly as a speeding car coming toward her.
I didn't think. My body moved on its own. As my feet pounded against the pavement. The music still played... slowly
Her face became clearer with every step. Wide, tear-filled eyes. Lips trembling as if she wanted to scream but couldn't find the strength. A face I recognized but couldn't place.
"Move!" I shouted,She didn't.
I didn't know who she was or where she came from, but as I pushed her out of harm's way, I could still feel that slow-moving world.
I couldn't react when the car hit me or when the steel bars from the truck on the other side pierced through my body.
The music in my headphones reached my favorite part.
As I lay there, slowly losing blood, the pain and suffocation I'd endured for 18 years began to leave me. I felt light, as if I were floating.
I saw her—the girl I'd saved. The strange sense of déjà vu finally made sense. She had spoken to me once, long ago. Now her face was full of fear and tears.
I looked into her eyes and smiled—genuinely, happily. Something I thought I'd never feel was given to me in this moment.
When they carried me to the stretcher, my headphones, which never left me, played my favorite part of the music again.
Facing the sky, I never thought I'd say it, but I weakly reached out my hand.
The moon and the sun were both there. I could see the stars and the infinite universe beyond them.
"Kirei da na."
It was beautiful. So beautiful that when I finally closed my eyes, I felt myself melt into it, becoming one with the universe.The favourite notes of the song played on in my headphones, a perfect melody to carry me into eternity.
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This may be the first piece i am so satisfied with.Also
This was the song i mentioned chub1na.ge ჩუბინა .
For the first time i listened to this music to this music while playing with a coin and this story was born