By the course of events to lately unfold, a total disengagement had been an inevitable consequence. Yet, disengagement alone, in such a complex situation, created many after effects when real nature gets exposed and makes its own rounds. A psychological effects to be endured in the drastic shifting of realities creates a forceful impact for the psyche. I had been caught in a prolonged period of pretense and deceit, which nature even embodied correspondingly in a deformed character to shape in a yet formative period to be a cunning actor attuned to what a prevalent air is like and be an endeared and reliable member. As it arrived to an extent of having me highly accorded as one of them, recognitions would come out to be hollow, after all, when it evolved in pride and prejudice in oneness and harmony, that it strikes a discordant note to excite shift in sensations to stir extreme malice and disavowal in corresponding magnitude. For what great basis they are found to embrace considerations is how precipitous they are bound to drop everything upon an instance of contradictory exposure, by the impact of the effect that prompts their disownment. Their fury is weaned to the equal degree commensurate as to what extent they have lent their trust. as I was indeed here a competent actor to have celebrated in their oneness and wild enthusiasm. At given spur, they would institute censure and denigration accordingly, which is a strange and unusual spectacle. The D__ reality has woven so much buildup to excessive psychological agitation, I being driven into heights, being confined to an unwholesome situation of make-believe that it can be likened to a prolonged incarceration. More so as I was so alone with nobody to share thoughts and and sentiments to convey to, with nowhere to go and stalled to improve. The irony of it all, is unlike real felons behind bars, it was not a reckoning of remorse and self redemption, but being infused with folly, degeneracy, and abject wickedness that is directly and consistently "spread in front of my face" as I tried to incessantly do away with it in the guise of a realistic actor. The things that they would insinuate in my period of theatrics are yet not as noble as it can be in other's point of view than it would be construed as an insult to my own situation. What's more if the insinuations are sheer vanities and stupidities. The more the charade entails energy and time and delves deeper for greater pretense, the more it muddles and affects the psyche, hence a sense of hatred and covert anger measurable to what extent it went. And still, it was also a test of will to withstand the complexity, the bending of the mind confined to subterfuge, the flexing of mental gymnastics with every observable phenomena involving so much hubbub that does not altogether bear any weight. To what extent I may be brought to endure is to what degree my soul would be fired to bestir about a determination to survive. I just had to keep myself afloat while "swimming in uncharted waters." The situation was tantamount to solitary confinement in a dark dungeon. There had been a spurious sense of gratification in being deluded about being drawn to pomp and flamboyance, but it smacked of empty rhetoric. The psyche exults for hollow means, whereupon it only makes up for vast emptiness to where it goes, when a " shift of realities" assumes to mark a contradictory air. It constitute a macro prison in which human nature only practically revolves around a limited range of activity. What ensues in empty grandiloquence is real malice and denigration when realities tend to unfold as it has no substance to sustain itself. At a twist when the deceptive nature of pretense unravels, the ensuing revelation comes out to be an apparition of utter wretchedness on my part, I having no means to straighten it at all, and acknowledge to take all the fallout which is not so surprising to me who carried it all along. It is just a given disposition from being conscious of my own act. But as my exercise in pretense and deceit, that is, to bypass folly and degeneracy culminated in my own exhaustion of motive to fool around with them, I myself am no more disposed to regain it. These periods in limbo and terrible psychological trauma throughout such time in a diverted way that I consider a macrocosm analogous to a felon in jail produced otherwise a reverse impact on me from what normally comes out to that effect. In what ought to be a time of remorse and self-redemption, I had covertly instead been borne with hatred. In a latter scenario however, in a twist to j being "freed" or disengaged from bondage but becoming more charged with ill feelings practically seething with want for vengeance is, still again, comparable to sensations being felt in the first hours of actual jail time still bound for soul-searching but seething with rage and unrepentant tendencies. Such that for nefarious cravings, charged with so much want for retribution, when the pretentious life is coming to a close - though stronger souls prevents such evil acts, the long process of recovery dissipates the toxic air in a more straightforward atmosphere. At length, more of the first periods of the disengagement and succeeding moments, it throws me into an intense feeling of sense complete of abandon, and sense of resignation and withdrawal, of which conversely a prisoner freed rejoices upon assumption to a period of such freedom. I would still be wallowing in gloom, a captive of one's own lurid imaginations. The abrupt change of atmosphere had driven me to think the unthinkable, the darkest and most nefarious of thoughts, "in a penalty served that stirred no sense of remorse." These moments of psychological agitation are when the most gruesome of crimes were committed by narrow minded fools. The long process of healing even surpasses the time of actual ordeal, if ever it would heal at all, although the path to tread ahead has never been the same again whence I since I envisioned my goals. I could still engage in a clash by residues of wayward experience, which stir burns a fiery spur to confrontation, but to have traversed all the trials and tribulations would only seem to be like an "easy walk" for me to hold off a deviant impulse.
My disengagement from the D___ marked a turning point of a path of struggle gone askew. As the immediate past can not be blown easily away, and yet consider the hard fact to evolve as a consequence, I have not become an artist I originally wished it to be. in whose time and energy to have withstood the ordeal could have produced monumental achievements otherwise. The time frame in the whole affair has cost so much guts and grits and mental and psychological absorption more than a multi-awarded artist could have spent for. I have just come out from a deep maelstrom, yet emerged with body and soul intact, and my inherent nature never totally vanquished in such confounding circumstances. Bouncing back with an altered outlook never diminished the conviction and passion that basically molded me long ago. The aftereffects of the D__ affair could have easily led me to final ruin, but a beckon to a new life still supervenes the air to offer me a glimmer of hope even in darkest hours when timeis now fully in my own hands. If in the beginning, painting was a direct approach in communion with nature's splendor, I still bear the chances to connect with it's essence even what supervenes to show on the horizon is diluted by acquired elements that is already wrought psychologically. Whatever a way, I might still get a chance to crack of what is at hand in ways at my disposal, however at variance it had come to be and however altered a pursuit, in that a straightforward way is still the more desirous, even if life has been thrown into disarray.