Date: 05-01-1998
Location: Law Firm, CA
Ian Campbell was impressed with his law firm's new office, but the one thing Ian was impressed with the most was himself. One of his favorite pastimes was hitting on the firm's new female associates. You would think a smart lawyer would know better, but Ian was a sexual harassment case in a $1,000 suit. Ian had a joke he liked to play to impress the ladies: in a conference room on the 40th floor, he'd get a running start and throw himself into the window. The tempered glass would always bounce him back.
Maybe this sleazebag lawyer just ran out of luck... or maybe it was the way his Rolex caught the glass... because Ian took a running start...
*Crash!*
And never stopped. Falling 40 floors to his death. Once he discovered that his eminent death is there, he most likely would have pissed on himself. He probably died instantaneously, from the skull shattering on the ground and his brain herniating out the street. His spine shattered, along with his skull and severing his spinal cord, killing him.
Way To Die #64: Habeas Corpse
Date: 08-11-2003
Location: Yuma, AZ
Tiny and Dale are two tree removal workers clearing brush in the 110-degree heat of the Sonoran Desert. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it; they just wish it wasn't them. Burning air, physical labor, and denims, the poor men were in hell.
They get the last of the branches to the top of the hill. One last job before heading home: chipping the branches. It is never easy wity these two. The last branch gets stuck. There is a case of cold ones and catch a cage match waiting for them back at Tiny's. Dale decides to man up and tries shoving the branch through with his feet, and in the process, learns the hard way: a machine made to destroy tree limbs can also destroy human limbs.
Dale is sucked into the chipper, until he is reduced to nothing more than ground chuck/minced meat, much to the horror of Tiny as he gets a blood shower from his shredded remains. After the incident, Dale's pieces were all over the fence and some were on the grass.
Is there a lesson to be learned from all this carnage? If you're this stupid, maybe you deserved to die.
Way To Die #288 Chippin' Dale
Date: 11-21-1993
Location: Ball Sate College, Kenosha, WI
Meet Jack and Sallie. The two are just like any other college student, horny. Then all of a sudden, Jack sees something - a giant basketball. It was left there from yesterday's pep-rally, both of them want to go in there because they can have a once in a lifetime quickie.
Sally pulled the zipper down to the inflatable faster than Kack's fly. Sally sticks her head in and discovers that it is filled with helium. They decided to go in through the zipper. Soon, they were having fun. Both of their voices high pitched and their brains going numb, both of them found out this was a great place indeed.
Unfortunately, after several minutes, they needed fresh air - the helium of the ball was getting the better of them. But disaster struck - the magic zipper was no-where to be found. Disoriented and out of breath, the two scramble to find the zipper. Your body needs 95% to 100% air in order to survive. Helium, in its pure form, does not contain any oxygen; it is a noble gas with a single atom and no oxygen atoms in its structure.
Once they locked themselves in their funhouse, it was only a matter time before their fun turned to none.
Way To Die #226: Gasketballed
Date: 09-27-1992
Location: Lubbock, TX
Meet JT. He wants to be drinking with his buddies, not doing garden work. He would always stop his drinking when he sees the sexy Trixie, his wife. Blonde hair, pink shirt and blue shorts make her look sexy. Trixie threatens to turn the nookie switch off on JT if he doesn't get rid of a hornets nest on their tree.
JT needs to have sex with Trixie who has loved him, so he decides to get rid of the hornet's nest. A rake is the only weapon. He fails, but he lives in Texas. As they say, "If you fail, hit the gun rack". Being a suburban cowboy, JT returns with his weapon of choice. A paintball gun. He aims, threatens, and then shoots the nest. The nest falls and JT celebrates.
Good news - the hornet nest is off, so JT can have his Trixie.
Bad news - the hornets, pissed off, attack him.
And even worse news - JT doesn't know it but, he has a fatal allergy to hornet stings. Thousands of hornets surround him, each stinging him reapeatedly. He quickly goes into anaphylactic shock.
Anaphylactic shock (or anaphylaxis) dilates his blood pressure and swells his airway to the throat and lungs - breathing then became impossible. Eventually, a now-widowed Trixie screams upon seeing her now deceased husband.
J.T. died a noble gunman, fighting for the booty rights for his Texas maiden. Happy trails, cowboy.
Way To Die #199: Me So Hornet
Date: 01-18-2007
Location: Barnegat, NJ
Meet Boris. He is a 7 foot sword swallower and a very desperate man because of the economic downturn. He used to be popular but the recession ensured that he was considered a waste of money. Tonight he has an audience of blue hairs on a bus ride to Atlantic City. Boris does his routine but no one is interested. If one sword wasnt enough, he needed something to wow them.
Maybe two could do. He knows that it could scissor and can cause internal bleeding, but he does it anyway. It happens! He's done it! He's...still alive. Damnit.
Boris takes the two swords out and pooks around the room as people applaud.
The audiences wanted challenges. The challenge today was an old pensioner, who wanted him to be an umbrella-swallower.
He didn't want to do it, but a fheer from the crowd instantly changed his mind. Boris hoisted the umbrella above his head. He begins to scarf tge umbrella down his big friggem gullet. It is a sickening and shocking display as the umbrella goes down. Boris would have gotten off with nothing more than a sore throat but fate decided to rain on his parade.
As Boris completly swallows the umbrella, he hits the release button. It opens up and crushes his windpipe and is sealing Boris's fate. The bars of the umbrella stab into Boris's esophagus. Anytime he tries to pull it out, it tore the hell out of him. In pain from no oxygen and the umbrella anchored in his throat, Boris goes down.
The pensioner cannot believe it, or anybody else. He is asphyxiated to death.
He lived by the sword. He died by the - you got it... umbrella.
Way To Die #952: Dumbrella
Date: 01-31-2004
Loxation: Roanoke, VA
Some people just seem to ooze sexuality.
A nymphomaniac named Jennifer goes to a market to buy groceries. As she grabs from some produce, she notices the sexy stock boy in the vegetable section spraying down the vegetables. The two stare at eachother in pure sickening lust. Unfortunately for the stock boy, Jennifer has a girls night to prepare for. Back at her pad, as she unpacks everything, she holds a carrot and thinks about the stock boy back at the market. The great thing about imagination, you can turn something innocent and make it vulgar.
In other words, she has the idea to use the carrot for a dildo.
She peeled her carrot poorly, too excited to be patient, and runs off to her bedroom. She gets ready and lays in bed with the carrot. As she begins using it, a rough edge on the carrot slices her vaginal wall, and it created an air bubble inside her body. The air bubble went inside her heart, and Jennifer couldn't breathe. She dropped the carrot and died.
I'm afraid there will be no happy ending to this veggie tale. If in doubt, leave it out.
Way To Die #647: Killdo
Date: 07-11-1990
Location: Boone, CA
Do you remember "The Birds" from Alfred Hitchcock? Well..... this story is called "The Bird". Larry is living in the wild. The only friends he has are the small and big animals around him, except for the birds. He despises them. He terrorizes a sparrow hawk that is sitting on his lawn. He manages to get rid of the bird but it will also get rid of him. After it flies above him, it drops a load on his face which also enters his mouth. Grossed out he runs insode to wash his face and mouth off.
A week later he's in the Hospital because of Salmonellosis which later brings him to an end after his final moment of asking a doctor to go away, thus sending the selfish bird hater straight to the hell he deserved.
Way To Die #743: Alfred Shit-cock
Alright dead heads we have reached the end of yet another horrible chapter, stay safe, stay away from sharp objects, and please...for the love of God DO NOT put your feet into a wood chipper!